Mack,
Hey there. How are you? It's been a couple years since I last reflected on this happily ever after of ours. Last year around this time, my dad died, and, as Metallica says, nothing else mattered. Thank you for being there for me to fall into after his quiet departure. I will always love you for that. And since you never read these things, I know you forgive me for letting it slip by.
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| Back when we were way less grey, with way less understanding of the kick in the balls life can dole out. |
I fully recognize I've been a squishy mess since my dad died, and I appreciate your patience and support, even though it sometimes comes across as frustration and annoyance.
I remember after I got back from a trip home for the 4th of July, me sitting on the floor in a fat mess (thanks, grief, booze, and cortisol) and you across the room, looking at the window. We finally got the courage to say, "I don't like this relationship between us." It was full of me being pathetic and you being the bright spot. You brought energy, and I took it all. And then I did nothing with it.
I was lost, and I have never been lost before. I was depressed. I was wearing us both down. So thank you for having that conversation with me. It opened my eyes that the happiness that normally comes so easy to me was slipping away, and I needed to fight for it, like so many other people do their whole lives. I went to therapy, cried a lot, opened up my heart, reconnected with my mind, and finally got better.
And we got better. I started existing again, speaking up for myself, making choices for myself, taking action for myself. At first, because I know you so well, I thought you'd respond with anger when I gave myself permission to expect certain accommodations from you. But you pleasantly surprised me. You took the Love Languages test, and you added physical touch and words of affirmation to your programming. I went back to school to get my master's, started going to the gym to get me out of the house every day, and gradually the squish got less and less. Well, not on my body but in my mood anyway.
Despite the goo of me-ness that I've been swimming in, we've managed lots of memory making this year. We moved our whole life to a 30-square-mile rock in the Caribbean. We got rid of one business and started another, making some lawyers very rich. We got vaccines against Covid-19, bought an abandoned crackhouse to flip, and spent weekends bombing over waves and looking for creatures under water. Well, I looked. You sat on the boat playing polka music full blast while I did "science" with the turtles. You also procured the coconuts.
I had surgery, you almost had a tumor (thanks, lab errors). We took Goldie to the snowy mountain roads of Big Bear and drove through absolute road lakes. We went to June Lake to catch some fall colors. We took hikes and were extra cautious about the potential for one of us to "wild crimes" the other. Luckily the most egregious thing I did to you was make you watch me paint rocks. We bought a new old sailboat, Andante, and took her on her first voyage to Catalina. You were brave enough to enjoy a swim, but this life on that rock in the Caribbean has ruined me for cold water. Andante has so many other charms, like how handsome you are captaining, so she's still worth being on even if the water she's surrounded by is dark and full of terrors.
You remained your peculiarly hilarious self, thank god. I remember during the Olympics we were watching a swimming match, and you reached over, touched my boob, and claimed yourself to be the best breast stroker. You also came up with such hits as "You Know You Like It When I Do It Like This" and "Uno Mas Dia." As they were rooting in your brain (and mine), I definitely wanted to kill you, but I love you so I didn't.
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| Couple of grey haired bandits, not killing each other. |
To celebrate 15 years of marriage, you're supposed to give the gift of crystal, "an enduring material that symbolizes the lightness, clarity, and durability of your love." Or a watch, "representing the many hours and minutes you've spent together, as well as the years to come."
Without even meaning to, we did both, got fancy as hell watches with sapphire crystal glass. Because you know what, we've earned them. We've put in a lot of time, understanding, forgiveness, arguments, resentment, cheerleading, sacrifice, hard work, energy, indifference, patience, tough truths, and love into this thing between us, and having an exquisite timepiece to show for it somehow validates it. Heads up, I'm gonna need the Pearlmaster for the 30th anniversary, kay?
Thanks for the last 473 million seconds you have spent at my side. You really are my best friend, and I appreciate all you have been for me this year especially. Happy anniversary.
