This Is What Vegan Looks Like

Yes. I made that. It was delicious and amazing. And it was 100% vegan, which means it used absolutely NO animal products. Even that cheese you see there, that mouthwatering, delectable, melty, gooey cheese, that cheese is vegan!

Here's how the magic happened. I ate Better than Cheddar Nachos at Real Food Daily when my mom and sister were visiting and remembered how awesome they were. I got a bit of gumption and a chunk of time, prerequisites for making vegan food, and decided to make the nachos at home. I can't eat regular nachos because of that 10 Pound Challenge thing I'm doing, so I figured, hey, vegan nachos gotta be healthy.

Making the cheese was actually a lot easier than I expected... once I found the sea agar, nutritional yeast, and yellow miso at the health food store... and it made a lot more than I thought it would. We had enough for nachos and I've got two more plastic containers sitting in the fridge waiting to be put on more nachos or tacos or macaroni or sandwiches or whatever I feel like putting cashew cheddar cheese on. It's going to be a good week.

Here's the recipe if you get some gumption and time with your craving for nachos. Try making the cheese just to see if non-vegans can tell it's vegan. They never can. (And if you get a lot of gumption and want to try some of the most amazing vegan food ever created, get the Real Food Daily cookbook or the Candle Cafe cookbook. Both are in my collection of kitchen treasures.)

1 1/4 c. raw cashews

1/2 c. nutritional yeast

2 tsp. onion powder

2 tsp. sea salt

1 tsp. garlic powder

1/8 tsp. ground white pepper

3 1/2 c. unsweetened plain soy milk

1 c. agar flakes (about 2 ounces... this makes the cheese its final consistency and each brand is different, so you may have to tweak it once you get a feel for it. I used two 1-oz packages and it was a bit too much. Next time I will probably use 1 and 3/4 packages.)

1/2 c. canola oil

1/4 c. yellow miso

2 tbsp. freshly squeezed lemon juice

Get a Cuisinart. It will change your culinary life and make this cheese possible. 

Using the pulse button, finely grind the cashews in a food processor.; don't allow the cashews to turn into a paste. Add the nutritional yeast, onion powder, salt, garlic powder, and white pepper. Pulse a few more times to blend in spices.

Combine the soy milk, canola oil and agar in a heavy saucepan. Bring to a simmer over high heat. Decrease the heat to medium-low, cover and simmer, stirring occasionally, for 10 minutes or until the agar is dissolved. 

With the food processor running, gradually pour the soy milk mixture through the feed tube and into the cashew mixture. Blend for 2 minutes, or until very smooth and creamy, and then blend in miso and lemon juice.

For grated and sliced cheese, transfer the cheese into a container, cover and refrigerate about 4 hours, until very firm. Then, grate or slice as desired.

For melted cheese, use the cheese immediately. Or, make the cheese in advance, and when you're ready to use the cheese, melt it in a saucepan over medium heat until smooth and creamy, stirring frequently. If needed, as more soy milk for a thinner consistency. 

For jalapeño cheese, stir in 2 tbsp. minced jalapeño chiles into 2 c. melted cheese. 

Vegan foods are alive, just like veggies, and will expire. This one will keep for about 5 days, covered and refrigerated, so plan what you want to use it with when you make it. Invite me over and I'll help eat it.

Dulywed: Making Small Talk like the Amazing Technologically Advanced Teenagers Do

I happen to find the fellow I married a totally inspiring conversationalist. As a result, I find our chats to be glimpses into the hilarity that he is capable of. He will not like me for this, but you, privileged reader, will.

me: dude... wanna watch basketball tonight? i have to root for michigan state because it may earn me 120 bucks
Mack: dude... where's my car
what time
me: aafter work
Mack: maybe.. depends on if I go to judo
ill let you know
me: come on toshi.
hang out with meeeeeee for a second
Mack: im about to get a haircut... then I have to go do launry
maybe
wanna hear some bad news?
me: DYING TO!
Come on, don't keep BAD NEWS all to yourself!!
Mack: my bike will cost 112 dollars to register, and a piece of rubber flaked off the interior of the fuel line -- went to the carbuerator and now I have to rebuild the carb
so i won't be riding anytime soon
me: ouchie. stupid rubber.
Mack: stupid dry-rotted rubber
where do you watch game
me: maybe someplace fantastic with boobies.
like hooters or the shack, if they're playing it.
Mack: probably i will go
hoe-bag
me: i'll wear my cowboy boots for ya.
and say yee haw a lot of times in a row
Mack: will you stomp on my ballz
me: with my heel
mmm hmmm
Mack: u r so cool
me: omg like totally
Mack: my bff jill
me: lol; rotfl
Mack: kthxbai
me: l8r g8r
:)
Mack: < style="font-weight: bold;">me: you worked entirely too hard on that
Mack: =====() - - - - - - (.)(.)

Can Someone Please Tell Me What's Going on Here?

Mack sent me this before Christmas. When I opened it back then, I remember thinking, "Strange." Then, for whatever reason, I left it on my desktop, and I've been looking at it periodically trying to decide if it's funny or disturbing.

I have never been this indecisive before in my life. So I ask you, is this oddly comical or not?

I'm a Loser Baby...

Got a text from Jen a couple weekends ago saying, "I JUST RAN 16 MILES."

That alone made me winded. So, I'm on a Weight Loss Challenge. It's like the 300th one in my life, but this time I have a very clear goal of 10 pounds and am doing it on Capessa so if I don't stick with it, more people than just me and Mack will know. Nashvegas and Meanestmom will also know.

Check out my 10 Pound Challenge blog (there are videos!), and join up if you feel so inclined. Also, invite your friends, family and co-workers who may want some friendly support during this tough, Victoria's Secret swimsuit catalog time of year.

I Hope My Husband Doesn't Mind that I Just Fell in Love with Another Man...

I was all for Hillary until she beat a dead horse into a bloody pulp. And, while I think I could love her again once she gets out of the madness that is an election, after watching this, I'm excited to give my vote to Obama. Because I need to believe in this country again, and today he made me proud to be an American.

Family Reunion

My mom and Betsy decided to come for a visit... finally... and it was amazing. I've realized that I am my best self, the self I most like to be, when I am around my family. Around other people I'm a little more reserved, a little more insecure, a little more static, but when the people who really, really get me are around, I can just be me, pushing the envelope between funny and inappropriate and being forgiven simply because there is a smile behind what otherwise might be cruel. Ahh, balance.

The few days they were here were a whirlwind. We woke up, we walked on the beach, we walked through the canals, we hiked through Mandeville Canyon, we watched a depressing movie Shannon recommended (it was better than Suckerbaby), we walked all over Hollywood, we went shopping, we bought clothes that made us look rich, we ate glorious fuel food, we walked on a red carpet, we tattooed Betsy, we took on Chinatown, we bought fart bombs, we toured historic Olvera Street, we got courted by mariachis, we watched the sun set, we drank fresh squeezed mango juice, we examined real live Emmy and Peabody awards, and then, just as it was getting going, Delta came down and swooped them away.

Stupid Delta.

I've been too tired living life the last week to commit any more thought to this post, so the photos will have to do. And I hope that the people who rejuvenate my spirit become a part of my day to day asap.

Sam I Am

If he's anything like his momma, the world just got a million times better.

Congratulations to my dear Elijah and her new baby boy, Samuel Abbot Maples, born on Wednesday, March 5, weighing in at 7 pounds, 12 ounces and sporting what his momma claims is a mullet.

Since Liz always says things better than me, "Samuel, y'all remember, was called by God, and he anointed David, the scrawny kid in the field. Abbot is the superior of an abbey of monks. Put it all together and his initials spell S.A.M."

I'm looking forward to watching his life unfold and can't believe mine is already at a point where my childhood friends are now parents.

A Trip Back in Time

I'm behind. Because my life is so full of Awesome, I guess.

A few weeks ago, I took Mack on a surprise to Santa Barbara, which, it turns out, is an actual town and not just a soap opera I used to watch when Grandma took a nap and I promised to be quiet as a mouse. There was a lot of sex in Santa Barbara -- the soap opera, I'm talking about the soap opera -- which is probably why this wasn't quite as shocking as it might otherwise have been.Yes, that is a painting of an orgy.

It is about 8 inches wide by 12 inches tall, and it was hanging over the fireplace in our penthouse hotel room at Ala Mar Hotel. Don't let the word "penthouse" fool you; it was the top room of the very simple, somewhat Nordic feeling, actually affordable, on the beach hotel that we stayed at for one night.

When we walked in, I was glad to see a jacuzzi tub, a refrigerator, and a view of the beach from our window. But when I spotted this little number, featuring midget swingers and possible pedophiles, I knew we'd found a diamond in the rough.

In addition to taking in hotel artwork, we also hit up a Santa Barbara winery. Santa Barbara is where they made the movie Sideways. Plus, it is feasible to drive there from LA in a day. That's why I chose Santa Barbara. Here's a snapshot of the drive.It was so nice to be out in the middle of countryside, I kicked my shoes off and starting kicking back wines every color of the rainbow. When the horses from a neighboring rehabilitation farm sauntered over our way, I felt like I was home again. Although, to be fair, the only place I ever lived that was next to horses was Grandma's house, but you know that back then I was too obsessed with sex and soap operas to really appreciate these animals being so close. Breathing in the untainted air, looking out on mountains and trees and green spaces, sitting in close proximity to enough wine to last me a lifetime, I had no choice but to start dreaming about my retirement. We also got a little bit of beach exploring in. We went to Carpinteria Beach, which is named for Spanish carpenters like Jesus, because allegedly it was a seal haven. Mack had told me how awesome the elephant seals are, and I was hoping that we could see some. No. This was a Harbor Seal Safe Haven, devoid of any seals, probably because this was also an RV Safe Haven. Can someone tell me why you would get an RV and drive a long way to a natural spot where you will then park in a parking lot less than 3 feet from another RV? Why not just live in an apartment?

Aside from the RVs and the absence of seals, Capinteria Beach did deliver. If you consider tar pits on the beach delivering.

It was pretty smelly, and it felt weird seeing pollution in nature, but something about the oozing black gold was awesome. We paused at one point to look at a flower and Mack started drifting down the path. When he lifted up his shoe, there was melty oil underneath. It had been covered by the dirt of the path, and if you just keep on walking it just feels like soft ground. But if you stand there, it starts to slime you. Which is precisely why you don't go swimming on the beaches of Santa Barbara. Just have sex instead.