My Head's in the Clouds

I just got back from my home quickie and am settled back down in LA again. The trip home was busy and fulfilling -- saw Leigh after three months, tentatively sold Nougat, had an open house to sell the house, got to watch Betsy dance at school, finally caught Brokeback Mountain (gotta say, it was hilarious to me, sad at the end, but funny thoughout, especially since Ella Enchanted got a bad dye job and landed a very different role in this movie), had dinner with the fam, got to snuggle with the Venus, and came to grips with Leiah being pregnant. That was a doozy, but the dust has settled and fortunately love prevailed. To be honest, I was wondering if it would at some points, but I guess that's the glory of love. Thank god. And thanks to my priceless, brave friends for setting me straight when I wandered astray... just a testament to how lucky I am.

One of the joys of California living is travelling to California. It's a three-hour time difference from Kentucky, so you basically chase the sun home, which makes for some of the most beautiful skies you've ever seen.
I swear I see four Grand Canyons everytime I fly this route, either that or the Grand Canyon is just that endless. The mountains are incredible and snowcapped, then they're curiously followed by flat deserts. And you also get to see the patchwork quilt that the plains make. It's a great flight, worth seeing in the light of day, even though it is a long one.
This is a beautiful Earth we have, with a magical atmosphere and incomprehensible landscapes. I just hope we start appreciating it before we lose it. Hope this inspires you... at least to come visit when I get out here for good!!!

Home Sweet Home

I'm home. And this time I came home to no sedentary roommate, no cat piss all over the floor, no other people's garbage. It was coming home to my home, and the only thing missing was my love, he's still stuck in Florida. I even made a run by Phil's to retrieve Venus (he's been doing me the incredible favor of making sure she's happy while I'm gone... THANK YOU FOREVER FOR THAT!) so that home would feel all the way like home. And boy does it. It's awful outside, like negative degrees, but inside, it's warm and cozy and full of good smells (courtesy of the candles) and fond memories and familiar places. It was dark when I got home, so the For Sale sign out front didn't have a full impact yet.

I love this house. If I could put it on wheels and take it everywhere with me for the rest of my life, I'd be happy here. Even when the crickets take over in July and the floor freezes in the winter and the front porch light bulb burns out, I love it. It just oozes home to me, which makes sense since it's my first house, but I think this house is full of special memories and fondness beyond mine. Here's why.

I wanted to take some photos of my beloved before she finds someone else, and I started in my bedroom, which was originally Shannon's bedroom, then Shannon and Charles' bedroom, then Niki's bedroom, and finally became my bedroom. I took a photo with all these blobs on it and went and cleaned my camera lens. But the blobs showed up again. So I figured, I won't touch the lens, and let's see if the blobs have moved. Well, they did. Check it.
I went around the house, taking a tour of it and trying to remember how much time I've spent in each room. This was my bedroom until a month ago.
I fell in love here. I retreated to here for the last three years. In the winter I'd crack the window to keep from getting too hot, and when Mack and I first started dating, he'd leave for work early in the morning, only to come back 30 minutes later, knock on the window and want back in. He must've felt how magnetic the house was, too.

This was the living room/Nougat headquarters.
I have let more cats and mosquitos in and out of that window than you could imagine. When I was in the midst of a Sex in the City addiciton, I would put my laptop in the window and smoke cigarettes while I wrote. Then I started getting headaches and realized I couldn't type with cigarette smelly fingers no matter how much I wanted to. Nougat is almost over, but the time I spent in that room building something bigger than myself was precious. Who knew you could learn so much by sitting in the corner?

The dining room was project headquarters. The table has been my sewing table, Shannon's map stand, Niki's storage unit, Miss Kitty's bed, and Thanksgiving 2004's support. I bought that table at Meijer a couple years ago for $200. I loved how dark it was, and my table before was benches from a guy my mom worked with at an insurance agency that also used to work at Toys R Us (Tom West, maybe?). This table is way better, even if I've only actually eaten at it like once.
This room is also where the piano goes... I tried to move it into my old bedroom, only to realize a hernia and a narrow hallway turn. The piano coaxed me into cooking and doing dishes more times than I felt like. One of my favorite things to do in nice weather was open the front door and the front windows and open the back door and the back windows and trick Mack into sitting at the piano while I did yard work and let the wind blow through the house and bring the sound out to me. I always envied my neighbors on those days, for getting to have such a cool neighbor. What?
Here's the kitchen. I love this kitchen. I love how it's laid out and how it's not really a room but a portal, a thoroughfare to other rooms. Cooking in here was fun and communal. My favorite kitchen memories were when Liz brought over cabbage and other garden goodies and we made a homemade feast to die for and when me, Leiah and Betsy spent Thanksgiving Eve making pies and prepping the best, most good for you Thanksgiving ever. I want to cry just thinking about this kitchen.
This is the den. Leiah and I officially named it the den over Christmas when we repainted it. It used to be the color of the kitchen, but Leiah gave me the courage to try these colors and I really like them. The den is freezing until you turn on the fire. After that, it's a knitting, snuggling, marathon television watching oasis. It's also close enough to the kitchen that you can be denning it up with someone whose totally kitchening it up. Now that is perfect harmony.
The bathroom even oozes charm. The tub is rigged so I can take deep baths that no other tub in my life could accommodate. Shannon decorated it with hidden art visible only to those experiencing all the bathroom has to offer. And the pets have stayed hydrated courtesy of that toilet. Functional and fun.
I'm sad to see it go, my Picadome Palace. But it's been a happy home, a place of possibilities and love. Shannon found love here, I found love here, Venus found love here, Hera found love here. What more could you ask for from a house? I guess it's time for this modest dwelling to brighten someone else's life, but I will never forget it. And if it doesn't sell, anybody need a place to rent????

Tea Time

Two cups of Kava tea ago my head was about to explode. The snot from too many tears had built up to dangerous proportions and my swollen eyelids were making strangers want to give me a hug. But now, I feel peaceful again. Kava is a wonderful thing. I watched Survivor once where the men have to drink a kava beer, which they did, and they drink it until they barf and then they're drunk, but kava drunk, not fraternity drunk. Kava is a root, I think, that they grind up really tiny to make anti-stress, anxiety-reducing tea. The kava drunks back at the village are responsible for grinding up the tough root, but they don't seem to mind. The rest of the kava village concentrates on the sayings that get attached to the tea bag. They put those on just in case the kava doesn't chill you out. The two I had tonight were:
-- Socialize with compassion and kindness.
-- There is no greater power in this universe than the power of prayer.
It's funny how the teabag knows just what to say sometimes. And it's hard to believe those kavans can be so insightful when they know nothing about the real world.

Khube Azogh

That means good food in Iranian. I swear, sometimes I think Laila and Shahin are just making lugey noises to trick me into making them and then I go around lugeying to myself! I'm sure my translation is awful but it is mostly phoenetically accurate... mostly. As long as you lugey to yourself at the beginning of the first word and the end of the second word, you've got it. Now, on to the point. Here is some good food, and I'm not just talking like yummy, I'm talking like warm in your belly and good for you too! It's Rice with Lentils, I know, sounds kind of hum drum, but it is so dang good, as Laila would say. We put ours with chicken, but you can use lamb or beef or veal or no meat in yours. It's a tad involved the first time, but way worth it, and Liz will appreciate that it feeds an army for the same effort that it takes to feed a couple, and leftovers are good for lunch. So, here we go.
Nush-e Jan! (Enjoy the meal!)


Ingredients for the rice:
3 cups long grain basmati rice
1 1/2 cups lentils
1/2 tsp salt
1 medium onion, peeled and thinly sliced
1/2 c olive oil
1 c raisins (optional, we use zereshk, which are kind of like dried cranberries but they're really dried barberries, but you could also use dates if you like those)
1/2 tsp ground saffron, dissolved in 2 tbsp hot water
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground cardamom
1/4 tsp ground cumin

Rice Instructions:
Pick over and wash 3 c of rice 5 times in warm water. (If using long-grain American rice, you are an unadventurous loser... just kidding... you only have to wash it or Texmati rice once.) Cook lentils about 10 mins in 3 c of water and 1/2 tsp salt. Drain the lentils. In a non-stick pan, lightly brown the onion in 2 tbsp oil over medium heat. Add raisins/whatever you pick and saute a few minutes longer, mixing well. Set aside.
Bring 6 c water and 2 tsp salt to a boil in a large non-stick pot. Pour in the washed rice and boil briskly for 6 minutes, gently stirring twice to loosen any grains that may have stuck to the bottom. Drain rice in free-standing strainer.
Place two spatulas full of rice in the pot. Mix spices and sprinkle half of them over the rice. Add a spatula full of lentils, then some raisin/whatever you used mixture. Repeat, alternating layers of rice with raisins/whatever, mounding the ingredients in the shape of a pyramid. Sprinkle the remaining spices on top.
Cover and cook the rice pyramid 10 more minutes over medium heat. Pour a mixture of 2 tbsp oil, 1 c water, and the saffron water over the rice. Place a clean dish towel or 2 layers of paper towel over the pot and cover firmly with the lid to prevent steam from escaping. Cook for 50 minutes longer over low heat. Remove pot from heat and allow to cool for 5 minutes on a damp surface without uncovering. Serve in bowls or on a plate, with meat on top if desired.

If you get a rice crust at the bottom of your pan, no worries. You did it right. Apparently, that is a treat in Iran, but I think it tastes like crusty rice from the bottom of the pan. You decide.

Meat Ingredients:
1 medium onion, peeled and thinly sliced
5 cloves garlic, peeled and crushed
1 lb. skinless, boneless chicken or meat, shredded (we just cook the whole pieces on the bone and then pick it off as we eat our rice... it's a lot less work and just as good)
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground tumeric
1/2 tsp ground cardamom
1/4 tsp ground cumin
1 1/2 c water
few drops of saffron water (1/4 tsp ground saffron threads dissolved in 1 tbsp hot water will get you more than a few drops... saffron is more valuable per weight than gold, so treat it like royalty and get it at ethnic supermarkets... way cheaper!)

Meat Instructions:
While the rice is in its 50 minute stage, make the meat. In a medium pot, heat 2 tbsp oil over medium heat. Add the sliced onion and stir fry for 5 minutes, until translucent. Add the garlic and meat and stir fry for ten minutes longer (we just sort of roll around the meat on the bone). Add 1 tsp salt, pepper, tumeric, cinnamon, cardamom, cumin and 1 1/2 c water. Bring to a boil, cover and simmer for 25 minutes over low heat. Add a few drops of saffron water and set aside.

If you like this, if you try it, and want to invest in a good, ingredient realistic Iranian cookbook, try one from Najmieh Batmanglij. Mack's mom got me one for Christmas two years ago and we got another one of hers with some different recipes in it, and both are easy to follow and full of adventurous, but still familiar yummies. I'm curious to try to rice stick granita, which is an ice cream type dessert made with rice noodles. I'll let you know how it goes!

Logorhhea

I have personalized my google home page to include the Quote of the Day and the Word of the Day. I rarely remember the Quote of the Day because they're hard to remember and even harder to incorporate into conversations. But the Word of the Day, I love those. I feel especially qualified when I know the Word of the Day, like when it's ergo (therefore) or pugnacious (quarrelsome), but I really like when it's a word with a neat arrangement of letters. Some of my favorites have been logorhhea (which I remember as diarrhea of the mouth -- it means verbose or wordy), quidnunc (a gossip), soporific (causes sleepiness), aplomb (confidence) and susseration (a whispering sound). My favorite word of all time, thus far, is pontificate. The way it starts all flowy and then ends solidly make it royal to say, and the meaning is flighty but substantial... To express opinions or judgments in a dogmatic way. Today's word of the day was irrefragable, which means irrefutable. Those words are just not worth remembering because they are too similar to another word that shows up all the time. If you used those words, people would just think you've been reading a thesarus. My friend Sarah used to be a thesarus junkie, and we still have a running joke about the opening sentence to one of her papers in junior English Lit... "Sinisiter recollections of customary nighttime disputes..." That was how Sarah described daily arguments between a mother and daughter in a novel we had to read. Mr. Akers immediately called her out on it, and for some reason it's been funny ever since. Sorry this entry is soporific, my logorhhea is devoid of personality since I only got about three minutes of sleep before a sick Laila woke up with a runny nose and started crying and wishing I was sick. (To be honest, I think I made her sick by letting her ride her new princess bike for as long as she wanted to even though it was chilly out.) It was about 5 am, and after I calmed her down, she was wide awake. Now I am a zombie... or gorked, if you will.

Muah

I actually just posted, closed the PowerBook, stuffed it under the bed, caught a glimpse of my hair in the mirror, thought, "Damn girl, you need a shower. Your hair is greasy," (it takes several days for my hair to get obviously greasy, so there is cause for concern), was reminded of my adorable, albeit not hygenic, baby sister Betsy, and thought of the best mass email I've ever received. Out of the blue, one regular day, Betsy mass emailed this to the five other members of my fantastic family:
You're supposed to read it left to right, top to bottom, figuring out what the sounds are and thus deciphering the message. Seriously, it's not that hard. What it is is so dang sweet it makes your teeth hurt. But then, that's just the way Betsy is. That's just the way my whole family is. Got nothing to say, fill it with I love yous. Got nothing to do, how about hugging and kissing? Got nowhere to go, try out mom's bed with the rest of your sisters and your dad and the dog to play a game of "forget the rest of the world exists." The beauty of my family is in its incredible imperfection. We are greasy, we are lazy, we make out with our pets, we are finnicky eaters (I'm the least finnicky and I've switched to organic milk and am trying to replace processed food with fruit), we fall short on a lot of things, we are spoiled and get way too much, we are mean to our sister's new boyfriends, we take up the entire hibachi when we go out for Japanese, we are loud, we are embarrassing, we have Griswald moments every time we go out in public, our Christmas tree is totally ghetto, we smoke cigars, we crash cars more than the average family really should, we flunk out of school, we (well, to be fair, they) cheat at Cranium, our photo albums have been reduced to Walgreens envelopes of unlabeled pictures, we've never in our lives sent out a family Christmas card, we've only taken one intentional family portrait in our history (Leiah looked like she was getting electrocuted, Shannon looked like a rooster, my mom looked like Sally Jesse, Betsy looked like she'd been in her fancy dress for three years, I looked like I was a Russian wife for sale, of course, Daddy was handsome), we go on unsuccessful killing sprees, we see therapists, we fornicate, we cuss, we are prejudiced against Republicans and blame men for the evil in the world (even my dad's in on this one), we have mismatched dishes and puppy pads in the dining room, we are a complete mess. But there is comfort in that mess. That mess is easy to come home to, to feel at peace in. That mess keeps us all from being judged and keeps us all from being judges. So, I was surging for my family and wanted to send them some muahs. And I wanted to put an accidental family portrait here so I can see them whenever I post. Thanks for your attention and we will now return to our regularly insightful blogging.

Hollywood Drama

I finally made it to Hollywood to take the Walk of Fame. Basically the front of Grauman's Chinese Theater was the most interesting part of Hollywood. In the plaza out front, we ran into Homer Simpson, Goofy, Zorro (who had love at first sight with Mack's mom), Elmo, the pinhead guy from Hellbound Hellraiser, Shrek's girl, Batman and a weird white rabbit who frequently pulled his head off to smoke cigarettes. I assume these people were dressed up to be street performers, but it wasn't as obvious that they were doing this for money as it was when we were in Spain this summer. Yeah, there they walk up to your dinner table and put their money hat in your face, even if you didn't watch them lay on the bed of nails. So, while LA calls Hollywood trashy, I thought it a very fun place to people/thing watch. The stars were pretty cool to look at, although I have no idea who some of the people were, but the hand and footprints in front of Man's Theater were more interesting. We searched high and low for a kid that Laila could measure her hand against, and finally I found just the right girl... Ms. Shirley Temple, who I lovingly, and realistically, impersonated for Halloween. We didn't see a movie at Man's, but we did head into El Capitan, or The El Capitan as the tickets say, to see the Chronic-what-cles of Narnia (that is a Saturday Night Live reference to this hilarious, and I mean hilarious, rap that Mack made me privy to). It was so awesome. After we were able to leave the general admission corral, we made our way into an iceland auditorium complete with set props and massive snowy lion heads hanging from the ceiling. Then a real live man came out and introduced the film... the lights went down, came back up blue and that soap snow that California probably patented came fluttering down upon the audience. It was pretty cinematic, and the movie hadn't even started. There were even more props from the set on display by the bathrooms. We got a real insider's look at a movie, way more of an experience than the poster previews I'm used to. Oh, one other fascinating thing was the Mighty Wurlitzer Organ that was being played as we waited for the feature film to start. A guy who ought to be extinct played bass notes with an outstretched leg, and created songs from some million keys at his fingertips. I've heard rumors about this organ. The Kentucky Theater, which is and will always be my favorite theater (they sell beer there and Fred, the manager, is just about the sweetest man alive), allegedly has one from ancient history that is trying to be restored. What an incredible thing that would be! I just hope it happens before all the people who have any idea how to play these things die off. If you're just curious about the Kentucky and its organ, check this out. The organs make basically every sound imagineable and they used to be played during silent movies to provide a soundtrack. It was pretty amazing to hear the organ and its abilities, but I gotta say, after about the 28th verse of It's a Small World, I was ready to relocate to Narnia already!

A Walk in the Park

Life in Los Angeles is certainly no walk in the park. I mean, I wake up everyday to the same old bright blue skies and flaming white sunshine coming through my open window. I eat tangerines with stems still on them that are so tart they make you drool, which is embarassing. I walk wherever I need to go, and people are always smiling at me when I pass by. To control the temperature inside the apartment I have to get up to open or close a window. I've fallen for the fashion, which has me carrying an oversized bag filled with hand lotion, lip gloss, water, my latest knitting project and A People's History of the United States everywhere. And the worst part is the landscaping. I don't know what it is with California that they can't decide on a favorite plant already. I swear, I must see a thousand different plants in a 30 minute stroll around my neighborhood. Aloe plants, palm trees, sycamore trees, rosemary bushes, daylillies. Can't they just get with the Boxwood-Japanese Maple-Pin Oak program that Kentucky's suburban neighborhoods have mastered. Let's take a typical January stroll.

Directly outside my front door, you'll encounter the following (keep in mind, this is January, okay):

Turn the corner and wander toward the activities center, where they show independent and foreign films, and discover whatever these are:


Enjoy the variable architecture that is a draw for multiple lifestlyles -- tower living for those wanting an urban experience and townhomes with large, shared courtyards in the back for those wanting a more family-friendly environment, all with unique plants adorning the facades:

There a little flavors of the tropics at every turn, and sandy footpaths that are prettier at night than in the day... trees here are used as light posts, which makes for dramatic lighting that feels like a part of nature:
Just when you think "Enough already!" because of all the different trees and bushes and flowers, you see that they're even adverturous with their ornamental grasses:
There are some familiar sights. For instance, I, too, have a hydrangea bush at my house. Granted it's inside right now so it won't freeze to death, but it puts out some pretty beautiful blooms... IN THE SUMMER!! And while cala lillies have always been my favorite flower, I have never actually seen one exist outside of a florist's refrigerator... until January in Los Angeles.
Hope you've enjoyed the little stroll. If you want to take one in real life, I know a real good place!

Baby Not Mine

My only-child friend of almost 20 years is creating something in her image all over again. And now they can show you what it looks like before it even comes out -- and we're not talking that snowy picture of glob that people hallucinate feet and heads into and try to convince people who see it that it's a baby.

I think her having another baby is most incredible because I've loved her since the first day I met her. Let's go back to that fateful day in Ms. Kidd's 5th grade class, shall we?

I think it started something like, "Mind if I sit here?"

"No," she said. "That's for my friend Stacy."

Mortified (did I mention this was a new school, my seventh new school in my lifetime at that point), I relocated. The small-faced girl I sat next to ended up being my best friend in 5th grade, but the summer after, she was quickly replaced by Ms. Heather Kellogg.

This Heather girl would do anything. She'd take a dump in public if she had to go. She'd steal cigarettes and money for the bus or a White Castle from her mom's abandoned purses. She was so brave she hung posters of Kirk Cameron on the ceiling above her bed, which was something only 14 year olds were brave enough to do. She kissed the boys in her apartment complex and dropped from the upstairs balcony onto the ground below. She actually owned and had read Judy Blume's Forever.

The first time she spent the night at my house, I had to promise my parents I wouldn't have her over again. She actually put her toes in her mouth and rolled around on the floor while singing. Another one of her favorite tricks was the leg behind the head one, which she continued to demonstrate well into college. Once my mom got so mad at her for always being around I think she called her the p word. Yes, my mother, using the p word. I know.

We spent a lot of time laying in ditches. One of our childhood agreements was that if we ever ran away from home, we'd go to the drain pipe under the road leading up to Mother of Good Counsel. It was our favorite hangout, where we'd talk about our top fives and eat Cool Ranch Doritos. (Her list was capped by Tommy Goins, whose feathered hair I never found attractive; mine starred Matt McCune who rode my bus and actually gave me a note once that said, "I liked it better when we were broken up." He wasn't actually very cute. And I'm sure he has a small penis.)

Another fun ditch game we played was discovered on accident while we were sledding at night. We got too tired from trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill so we just laid in the ditch. We started to imagine being homeless and decided that it wouldn't be too bad to be homeless on that night. Of course, we were completely bundled up with full bellies and a soft bed to go home to.

We played Rack-O in her double bed and Contra on her Nintendo (she was the master at entering the secret code and getting all the bonus men) and went swimming at her apartment pool. When I crashed my bike on the way home from the dentist and broke my collar bone, I walked to her house (I was on my way there anyway). A tornado warning that same summer, when I'd had to take Leiah with me to the pool, found us all in a bathtub in her little apartment, like the rub-a-dub-dub guys... Heather, me, Leiah. Heather's mom was also there, and the neighbors had come downstairs so they were hanging out in the tub too. About three minutes after Leiah peed in the tub (Jan said that by no means was anyone getting out of the tub until the warning was over), the warning expired. I think we also ordered a pizza just before the weather turned bad, and Heather and I discussed if the pizza guy was laying in a ditch outside. What was with us and ditches?


Anyway, I hope her new boy is just like her. She's already got one, Chase Alexander Wall, who has her knack for being up to no good and still captivating to do-gooders like me. I hope this next one gets her outrageousness. Her sass. Her mouth. Her courage. Her unquenchable spirit. I could use a friend in this new generation.

Ringing It In

New Year's Eve is my third favorite holiday -- Halloween, my birthday, and then New Year's Eve. And to be honest, the consistency of NYE is about to trump my birthday, which is saying a lot considering I'm a materialistic, self-centered Taurus. This NYE was great, especially considering its impromptu nature, but I got to ring it in with friends I adore and family I can't live without, adding my babiest sister to the mix this year (which meant adding Seth who is always around).

The only bad part was the absence of my doctorate pursuing loves, Shannon, mi hermana mayor who is studying in Cuba, and Sarah, my customary nighttime dispute thesarus queen, who is studying in Dar es Salaam. Damn geniuses, always gotta be all worldly all the time. I hope they had great NYEs and that they know how much they were missed.


Every NYE experience I have ever had has been at someone's house, with tons of bottles of champagne, burning showers of the sauce when the ball drops, and my most regular NYE dates, Leiah, Kristin and Ruble. Leiah has traveled from afar to attend NYE bashes with me, and Kristin has lured Ruble and me far from home to celebrate at her house. We always have such a good time, kick off the year with so much optimism and so much to be grateful for.

My Mack wasn't around for NYE either this year, but that was okay since I got to see him at Christmas, if only for four days plus one bonus. Anyway, just wanted to show how 2006 got its start, in much the same way as 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000, and 1999. And props to my parents for always being such good sports about the post-midnight drunk dialing from their daughters.

Where in the World Is Carmen San Diego?

I never knew if this was a name or a place in a town, but anyway, since this is where I would like to move -- San Diego -- I am in Los Angeles dodging the winter blues that put a cloak of fat on my body every winter. Los Angeles is great weather-wise, great people-wise, crap concrete-wise and a disgrace car-wise. Kentucky is crap weather-wise, crap concrete-wise, crap car-wise and mediocre people-wise, except for my family in Kentucky, which will always make it a better place to be. Right now I am staying with Mack's mom and little sister, making sure Laila doesn't die while her mom is at work. It's been interesting, but to anyone considering having kids, you should do this. Here are some emails I've sent to my family about the experience... written before I had this blog, which I still don't know the point of yet...

Dec. 4, 2005
Hey my lovelies,

First of all, my condolences on the weather. I tried to feel guilty walking under the sunny blue skies, knowing that you poor Kentuckians were dealing with temperatures in the 30s, but to be honest I just couldn't keep the chuckle down. I miss you guys, I don't miss it.

Second of all, we've been having all sort of adventures and I've been remiss in telling you about them. I think the last update was on the Santa Monica Pier and the epic socks battle, so here's a little quickie to get you back up to speed.

As in most areas of life, I was right... about the socks... so much so that Laila has started inventing why socks are so good for her to wear all the time. A couple days ago, at about 10 o'clock (pm... We haven't tackled bed time yet), she actually credited wearing her socks all day long with her health! Sure, we still have tantrums about why the sock toe squiggle feels awkward, but I've discovered that if I ignore her huffs they usually die down.

Our next big challenge is learning the sounds of letters and eliminating hate and stupid from her vocabulary. This is no small task, mind you, especially considering she actually said, "He looks hideous" about her Mr. Potato Head today. Vocabulary modification is a delicate issue, but she seems to be on board with the sit for five minutes and think about why you shouldn't say those words strategy... Probably because I always let her out of it if she immediately catches herself and says sorry (she's a little self-incriminator, which I only use to my advantage in critical situations). I've decided to let crap and For God (her abbreviated For God's Sakes) be acceptable, partly because I never thought crap was a bad word and even though Daddy at first resisted it, he eventually came around to my way of thinking and allowed its usage. Plus, I'm not a bad adult and I said crap as a kid, so it can't be so bad. For God, well, that just makes me laugh, and frankly, my laughing is more important than a punitive God's ego... If God is who I think he is, he finds it hilarious too.

Hate and stupid, those just have to go. Not that they're bad in themselves, but the conversation that must follow I hate Jews (a sentiment based solely on their hair and courtesy of her brother Bubba) is just something I was completely not prepared for and when she says, "I'm so stupid" I get visions of being on Oprah and I'm not talking about the episodes where she gives out a car.

...My next guest, Laila Thomas, was subject to constant ridicule, albeit self-imposed, while under the care of her brother's girlfriend. Amber, who has resumed her career as a waitress and left nannying since destroying this innocent capable child, says she assumed Laila knew she wasn't really stupid. This is what happens, people, when non-mothers are put in the position of being mothers!!!...

I've been asked the God question and had to tell her what happens to the dead mouse we found outside. I thought I handled that one particularly well. Here's a glimpse...

"Why did it die?"
"It probably got caught in the lawn mower when they mowed. Or maybe that cat we see at night got it."
"Why are you covering it with grass?" I didn't realize I was even giving it a proper burial, but I guess that's just the angel in me.
"Well, so the bugs won't get it. Come on, let's kick the ball some more."
"Why will the bugs get it?"
"Because they think it's dinner. They eat it and then what they don't eat rots, like that pumpkin in front of the house by the park, and when it rots it turns into dust, which is actually like vitamins for the grass." Whew, that oughtta hold her.
"Why does the grass needs vitamins?"
"So it'll be green. Come on, let's kick the ball."
"Why can't the grass be blue?"
"Because God wants it to be green."

Not too bad, eh? I'm getting kind of good at this. And I've actually only said BecauseISaidSo about three times, even though she's asked me why about three million times. So much so that I started saying Por Que to her (Why in Spanish) when she asks me why so she'll at least belearning a new language.

As for our out of routine adventures, well, those are only good when they're my out of routine adventures. On Shahin's days off she tries to take us on adventures, but Laila gets hungry about five minutes into them and when she has to use a unisex toilet, the turkey lip comes out, the refusals flow and my eyes roll back. That is when I don't want kids ever. That is when I want myself and easy and uninterrupted and normal. Luckily her mom is there or I would let her go off by herself looking for a girls only bathroom on Venice Beach. Alright, I'd make sure she was in sight, but she'd be far enough away to get kidnapped, which is not exactly good for a kid. At least I'd see the perp who took her. As long as I wasn't completely distracted by the freaks in speedos lifting weights at Muscle Beach. I loved Venice Beach actually, and would have liked it more if Laila hadn't pissed me off. We walked along the shore and the waves crashed on these cool rocks and it was so beautiful and there were surfers and places for people to practice graffiti. It was definitely seedier than most places, but let's be honest... I've got some white trash coursing through these veins.

Our adventure today was to the LA zoo, and, true to form, Laila was hungry five minutes into it. Luckily the bathrooms weren't a problem and she fell for the "that stand doesn't have Icees" trick and we were able to actually see some animals... Depressed Elephants, Terrified Zebras, Arthritic Camels, Annoying Birds, Vapid Monkeys, Blah, Blah, Blah. The LA Zoo was a bust, but it was a pretty walk and pretty outside and situated at the base of the mountains. And it wasn't 30 degrees.

After that we came home and I decided I wanted to see a movie. The theater I walk to is at this shopping center where they have a lighted tree bigger than the one in Rockefeller Center. I looked up the times on the website and saw that the center has snow at 7 and 8 nightly. What the heck?

Yes, they have snow machines that shoot out fake snow at 7 and 8, when the carolers are singing. Fake snow from the rooftops. It's beautiful. It floats down and sticks on your hair. It's still warm out. The roads aren't icy. Life is good. I couldn't believe they actually had fake snow, so I investigated some "flakes" and discovered that they are actually bubbles. Like really tiny dish washing bubbles of some kind. It was awesome.

I then saw Walk the Line about Johnny Cash and it was freaking awesome. I loved every bit of it except the way fat lady who oozed in the seat next to me and couldn't reach her cell phone when it rang because she was too big. What is wrong with America? Go see Walk the Line.

Well, hope you enjoy these pics and know that I love and miss you all more than anything. Can't wait to be home for Christmas and for you all to wise up and move out here! Geez already! For God!

Amber
Oh, one more cool thing. We went to this restaurant today and there were two lemon trees out front. I picked a couple lemons off of them and the whole car smelled lemony by the time we got home. So now I sit with these green lemons by my computer and smell them when I get bored. It's so awesome. I've never smelled such a good smell! And to think I found it in a parking lot.