The Guest List, Page 1

Part of the excitement of moving away is having guests. No one ever flew to Lexington to stay with me, so the only visitors I got, aside from Amy Louise and the nice boys who always escorted her in the hopes that she would love them, were day visitors... usually lured there with the promise of good food and lots to drink. Times have changed, so now when people visit it's for days at a time... oh, and there's nothing in the refrigerator and the only thing to drink besides water or fat free organic milk is sitting in the cooler up at the corner liquor store. Fortunately, my friends have always been understanding of how bad I am at being a friend.

My first guest got here on Wednesday, and I am privileged to have shared her 28th birthday in my new town. Liz, dear elijah, Maples has come to El-A to brighten my life with her beaming smile and to show me my world with a fresh pair of green eyes.

The best part of Liz is how she looks at things, how simple stuff that I write off as dumb or not worth looking at she greets with a hearty laugh and a camera. With Liz the walk down the street is as interesting as the over-anticipated destination, sometimes even better. You never know what's going to catch her eye, what's going to make her snicker, what's going to get her stopping in the middle of the street to pull out her camera and take a picture. You never know what her keen view of the world is going to open up to you.

Her sense of wonder isn't all that makes her my #1 guest. She's also got the most incredible arsenal of knowledge about just about everything. I didn't think anyone could go toe to toe with Mack for the title of Most Knowledgeable in the Universe until the other night at dinner, when Liz had this to share. (Sorry it's so dark, and no, I have no idea what she is talking about since I was in my chip/salsa/salt ritual eating zone out mode.)

It's been great having Liz here, and I'm so proud of her for taking the bus all over town and impressed that the girl has more friends in El-A than I do and I live here. What can I say, she's Elijah, and she's a dear.

Thanks for visiting me, Liz. I love you!

(** Betsy and Seth were my actual first guests, but since they rode out here with me, they were sort of hosts too, so I can't count them until they come back. Just want to make sure the Guest List rules are understood... Up Next: RUBLE in October!!)

All Hail the Chief

I know everyone has seen this, talked about it, picked a side, heightened their hatred and disregard for the other, blah, blah, blah. I saw it and read the transcripts and while simultaneously falling all over again for my naughty, beloved Bill, the first man I ever elected into office, I also fell into disgust over the arrogance and condescending attitude of journalism today.
New rule: NO ONE WITH THE LAST NAME WALLACE IS ALLOWED TO INTERVIEW ANYONE.

Last time I studied journalism, the goal of an interview wasn't to bully someone into your perspective but to tell the story, without opinion and speculation, with simple questions and genuine curiosity. What happened to our media? What's happening to my country, the one I learned optimism and possibility from as a kid, the one that gave me a patriotic feeling at the polls, the one that made me feel like I mattered in this ridiculous world? Is a sly fox really trying to ruin it as I sit here? I think it's time the media had a watchdog.

A Chronic Case of Baby Fever

No, not to have a baby, just to talk about the baby and share pictures of the baby and hear stories about how the baby pooped on my mom and "it squirted out like a fountain." It's all just too adorable. Here's a video of the baby, and his beautiful momma and very gentle daddy.

Way to go Betsy on the footage and Daddy on the compilation. I'd be lost without you!

Criminal Minds

Of all the illegal things Mack and I do on a daily basis, that it was Venus and Ms. Kitty who went to the slammer first is just hilarious.

On Wednesday, as Venus traipsed to the alley's end to take a dump in the neighbor's yard, she was reported to the police, who promptly arrived and picked her up. As they were leaving the notice on our door, they decided to take Ms. Kitty from the porch mat to really drive home the lesson, which was... I'm not really sure.
I think they each did about 20 minutes because the pound is open until 7 on Wednesdays. Otherwise, they would have done more jail time than either of their parents, which is really sad considering their crime was roaming free.

The Pitts Vs. The Messers

At the end of May, I saw the most beautiful infant I've seen in my life. No wonder. It was the spawn of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. It was the product of People's Most Beautiful Man and Most Beautiful Woman. It was a critical chapter in the human genome project, a subconscious quest to make the most heavenly creature on Earth.

At the end of September, my mind is changed. I'd admit to bias, since the impetus for my change of heart does have some of my genetic make up, but I'm really not so I'm not admitting to it. Normally I think babies are kind of ugly early on. Their features are too big for their faces and they've always got gooey eyes that I don't trust. Plus, they seem to come with some weird problems like rashes from breast milk splashing on their faces or those bright red birthmarks that, let's face it, aren't exactly soothing. I'll give them credit for two things that make them better than puppies: the way they smell, which makes me want to eat them, and their little tiny hands and feet and fingernails, which are just such perfect miniatures they can't be real. Okay, and I like it that they smile when they have gas.

On his fifth day of life, my little nephew Ben has trumped Shiloh. Eat it, Jolie-Pitts. He is more beautiful at five days than she was at two months, and you can also tell that he is smarter, more thoughtful, has a better sense of humor, understands right and wrong, and will be the most perfect human being on the planet. I'm sure you'll agree:




My Darling Angel Nephew Ben










Poor Trumped Shiloh

The Endorsement Series (Part 4 in a Series)

Sadly, I do not ever stand like this in my panties. Nor do I wear high heels with my bathing suit. However, while Victoria's Secret has failed miserably at capturing realistic poses, they have succeeded immensely in creating the perfect panty. From the Angels collection comes the "feather luxe" bikini. Mind you, there is also a "feather luxe" boyshort, which typically ends up in the same place the "feather luxe" thong starts out, and a "feather luxe" Brazilian, which is a little too exotic for my typical privates. Aside from all the other panty perks of staying out of my butt and not falling apart in the first two wears, these panties come with the bonus feature of looking good on. They've sort of got a couture vintage look, but their tried-and-true cotton is so comfortable I seriously sometimes forget I have panties on. Even to the point where I start to freak out a little before I realize, wait, you have underwear on, you just can't feel them because the engineers of Victoria's Secret have finally produced the greatest pair of panties ever. My favorite part is that the lace around the leg keeps me from getting the thigh bulge that other underwear so flatteringly lend me. At $10 apiece, they ought to feel like a little piece of heaven, and they do.

Introducing Benjamin Ace Messer

He's here. BAM arrived Sept. 15, at 5:28 pm EST, weighing 6 lbs., 11 oz. and stretching to a beautiful 21 inches. Leiah and Ben are doing great. Turns out he looks like Matt, but he did get the Scott stubbornness!

No one on the guesses from March was even close to 9/15, so let's look at times. Here's a recap. Phil said 11:59 pm, Jana said 3:23 am, Heidi said 11:23 am, Leiah said 1:34 pm, I said 3:19 pm and Mom said 4:45 pm. So that makes Mom the winner, and proves once and for all that mothers really do know best.

Today Is B-Day!

After roughly 14 days of morning calls to check on the status of Leiah's pregnancy, today, the day Ben is on his way, finally got here. She's in the hospital as we speak, having contractions in the middle of conversations with her very annoying big sister who wants to jump through the phone and rub her head and get her water and deal with the agony of childbirth from the comfortable distance of a camera lens. She's already been through so much and now she's at the hardest part... and the part with the biggest reward.

Nine months ago Leiah called me to say she was pregnant. I had no idea she was even involved with Matt, an on-again, off-again guy who I didn't exactly think very highly of... for good reason, really... so to find out that she was back with him and to find out that she was pregnant and to find out that she, a waitress without health insurance or the ability to pay her own rent, was going to have the baby sort of blew my mind. It was probably the most volatile situation I've been in with Leiah, really trumping even the times Shannon and I would make horrible, terrifying distorted faces with a see-through nightgown and threaten Leiah with "the guards" if she didn't do what we said. I made comments that shock me even today. I can't believe what I was capable of saying when actually put in a position where I was unmovingly convinced she was making the biggest mistake of her life. From my perspective, I couldn't believe she would put an innocent baby in the position of suffering from the same father loss we shared. We know how bad it feels for parents to split up, for families to completely break apart, for dads to start new lives that don't have a place for anything from their old ones, for your biology to reject you. We know how deeply painful and destructive that can be, and here she was, setting someone else up for that pain. I said what I said to stop that from happening, and I'm forever sorry for saying what I said with such hate and short-sightedness behind it. I'm still glad I posed the questions and scenarios though, if for no other reason than it hopefully made Leiah think about the reality of sloppy sex... that a human being with a life in your hands can come out of it. Leiah was the calmest I've ever seen her in the midst of an emotional situation, and that showed me she was really at peace with her decision. Jennifer, who I will always be thankful for for having the courage to question my reaction with just the right degree of confusion and disdain, and Kristin, who I will always be thankful for for sharing her own experiences to put mine in perspective, reminded me that no matter what my family is the most important thing in my life. That means loving them, supporting them, embracing them, accepting them even when it's harder to love them than to ignore them.

Nine months is such a short time, but these last nine months have felt like years. Leiah has matured into a responsible, grounded, level-headed woman. Matt has shown so much more dimension than I initially gave him credit for. The two of them have committed to Ben by getting engaged, sharing a home and starting a life together for their family. No one knows what the future will bring, but now that Ben is here (or will be in a matter of hours!!) the center of our universe has shifted. I'm so proud of Leiah and Matt for accepting this challenge, I'm so grateful to Leiah for growing my nephew, I'm so nervous and excited and terrified and thrilled at how our family will change with Ben in it. Right now though, I'm so curious to see if he'll have the Scott smirk from the get-go or if that's something that'll show up after he's honed the Scott stubbornness.

Happy B-Day Ben, Leiah and Matt!

West Coast, ya'll

Last weekend, Mack's mom and dad lured us out of our Labor Day loserfest and took us on an impromptu coastal tour. I've driven along California's gorgeous coast before, but only north of San Francisco. Turns out the coast is gorgeous all along it. We went to Hermosa Beach, Redondo Beach, Manhattan Beach and ultimately ended up at Point Vincente Park, which is beautiful and a great lookout point for when the whales migrate in the winter. All in a day's drive.

Nine Down, NONE TO GO!!

Any day now I will be an aunt. I've never been an aunt before. The other day a girl at work asked me if I was an aunt yet, and I had no idea what she was talking about. I thought for sure she was losing her mind or making some reference to the ants that had invaded the Triscuits in the cabinets of the break room... until she pointed out to me that I did have a sister due to have a baby boy any day now. I gotta get used to adding aunt to my title. I've been slow to even start calling Mack my fiance, even though he's really already my husband. I still talk about him like he's my boyfriend sometimes. All these titles to keep up with. Aunt, wife, daughter, sister, friend, senior editor... I guess it's all better than Grandma!!

Come on Benjamin Ace!! We're ready already!! Give us the baby!!

Four Little Fish

This post is dedicated to my dad for two reasons...

1. I have never been in a place where everywhere I go I think, my god, my dad would love this, so hopefully this will make him realize that fact as well.
2. He tries so hard to be a good fisherman every chance he gets, although the fish never, ever cooperate. I think I've finally found a place where even his weak skills will make him feel like a fisherman.

Hermosa Beach Pier, Sept. 4, 2006, Labor Day

Confessions of an 80s Something: Biker Shorts, Not Just for Bikers Anymore

Biker shorts came into my life at about the same time I was going into Maxwell's to read the dirty keychains and Spencer's to look at the cards with fat women in lingerie and really feeling like I was getting away with something. Basically the point in my life where I spent all my time at the mall and all my money on decorative soaps from Crabtree & Evelyn. I was totally rad.

It happened on accident really. I'd been longing for a bout with the bikers for some time, but, since I was a chubby kid, I never had mustered enough courage for them. Sure, I had the courage to drop pennies off the balcony of the food court to determine who below was Jewish (in my defense, I thought it was a legitimate test of faith, like a commandment "Waste not, want not," and not a statement about their stereotyped frugality), but facing the world with lycra sealing my thighs was not something I could do. I opted for leggings.

My mom helped me stay hip to fashion despite my assignment to the Huskies section by pairing my leggings with one of those long, decorative dress shirts. By decorative dress shirts, I mean, random color pairings in a geometrical vomit on a cloak of cotton that went to the mid-thigh. I think you were supposed to use the shirt side-tie clip with these shirts, but I needed the length to cover my chunky butt. Leiah was the queen of the side-tie clip because she's had a great ass since diapers. My premiere shirt was yellow, that god awful yellow that gives you a headache, is usually confined to socks and was born out of the 80's quest for tacky, with black polka dots on it. I was so sexy heads would spin, and I was only 8 years old. Those Jews would certainly skip over the pennies I dropped when they caught a glimpse of me in my new threads.

Or if they caught a glimpse of my first run in with the biker shorts. Having found a fashion that didn't restrict my body anymore, I was waiting outside of the Baskin Robbins counter when a man in his grey hair days came into the mall and stepped into the Baskin Robbins line wearing white biker shorts and no top. It's quite possible he had a top on, but since my young mind couldn't get over the ass hair I could see through his white biker shorts, I failed to remember if he had a shirt on. As he turned to walk toward the ice cream cone pick-up station, I got the frontal. It was my first and closest exposure to male genitalia in my life, and I was horrified. All balled up and lumpy, like a dying rat wadded up and tucked in his crotch. The vision was enough to make me barf, but when he actually set his manhood on the counter while waiting for the girl to give him his cone... gag me with a credit card and put me on lay-away. I backed away, either because my mom really was there telling me he was a pervert and to get away from him or because her good judgment had become a permanent voice in my head.

I retreated to the safety of Maxwell's, but now the keychain sporting "Grody to the Max" had newfound meaning.

Next up... a secret relationship with Strawberry Shortcake.

Confessions of an 80s Something (Part 1 in a Series)

My darling friend Amy sent me a forward today. Normally her forwards feature pictures of hot cowboys or links to bible study classes I must take before the end of the world, but today she really outdid herself. She sent me the following list, and now you're all in for it. I have stories about almost every single one of these things, and since I lack focus in my time of employment, I am going to relieve my memory through story telling inspired by this:

You Know You Grew Up In The 80's or Early 90's If:

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom
8. Two words: Hammer Pants
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and spokey-dokes or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales" (Woo ooh!)
12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen..and still know the turtles names.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
17. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear....need I say more?
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten. (She's Truly Outrageous.)
21. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all The Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"
36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. You remember Popples.
43. Don't worry, be happy
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do... getting yelled at by younger hip members of the family)
46. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
47. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.
48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
49 You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales
50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"
53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.
54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
55. You just sang those words to yourself.
56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
57. Homemade Levi shorts... (the shorter the better)
58. You remember when mullets were cool!
59. You had a mullet!
60. You still sing "We are the World"
61. You tight rolled your jeans.
62. You owned a bannana clip.
63. You remember "Where's the Beef?"
64. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
65. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
66. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!

Check back tomorrow for a detailed account of my experience with biker shorts. Sexy.