Trust Me: You Do Not Want to Read This

You have been warned. If you scroll any further, it is at your own discretion. If you have a big browser window, it's probably too late. I hope you weren't eating.

So Mack calls me at work as he's walking into the door of our house after school, at about 4:30. We're all on the phone, howsyourdaying it, when all of the sudden he says, "Oh no. Shiiiiiiit."

Apparently he'd stepped in a couple piles of it that Venus had left on the rug in the kitchen, which is brownish, so it's no wonder a detail-blind Mack didn't notice it before he stomped it into the sole of his Gap flip flops. Which were like $40.

"I've gotta go," he says.

"Aw, shucks, I'm so sorry I can't be there right now to clean up this mess. I'm just so swamped at my insanely busy job looking at these interesting carpet tiles that apparently clean up with a baby wipe doing research to take this kind of responsibility for my dog," I said, sort of. It probably came out like, "Sucks to be you."

A few minutes later, I see him on Google chat and decide to lighten up the brown, muddy situation. I'll let Google chat fill you in on this part.

me: stop eating the poop, mister.

4:35 PM Mack: im about to man-cry

kitty keeps trying to show me the poop

me: no man crying! that is too sad.

4:36 PM tell kitty to shut the fuck up or we're putting her in a meat grinder!

Mack: wood-chipper honey wood-chipper

check your Gee-mailme: i want to put her in a meat grinder. and make kitty tacos.

4:37 PM i'm checking it. heart the titles.

[Enjoy this snapshot of aforementioned titles.]

Mack: i just searched for "painless way to poison a dog"

me: streaky poop kind of looks like bacon

[Enjoy this snapshot of streaky poop. I added roses to try to make it

prettier.]

4:38 PM it looks like she should be dying with poop like that.

i puked in my throat a little.

Mack: they are big... notice my sandals to indicate the scale

[Enjoy this snapshot of the poop with sandal for scale. Again, the butterflies are an attempt to make this situation more delightful.]

me: nice work honey. you must be a poop scientist.
[This is actually very funny because once Mack was being confronted by the neighbor about some poop in the yard and he said, "How do you know it's my dog's poop? Are you a poop scientist?"]

4:39 PM Mack: i want to eat something but it smells so bad in there i could puke

me: ugh. i can't get the slime out of my mind and it makes me want to barf.

Mack: this life sucks

the slime on wet poop is nastier in real life than it looks on camera - the smell greatly enhances its nastiness

[Enjoy this snapshot of wet poop. Hopefully the rainbows make it superdeeduperfied.]

4:40 PM me: what is up with you and dogs pooping while you're gone and you having to clean it up?

[The day after Shannon's wedding another dog left a ribbon of barf and shit all throughout our house, and Mack was the only one in town to deal with it. He still smiles about that to this day. And he loves Shannon's Aunt Tiffany 4-ever.]

Mack: i'm going to put the dog and cat into the bath and throw your hair straightener into the water

if the lights go dark at zizo you know why

me: no!!!! that straightener is more than $100!!!

4:41 PM Mack: then i will find a cheaper appliance to use

me: the air pop popcorn maker was like $15. But I really like it.

4:42 PM Mack: am i a bad person for wanting to kill them?

me: am i? Mack: did you know that "Die dog, die!" means "The dog, the!" in German?

4:47 PM

Mack: YES KITTY I KNOW THERE IS POOP OVER THERE

4:51 PM

we could mail venus to your friend dave without him knowing

FedEX WILL DELIVER PETS

And so begins Venus' reunion with the long, lost love of her life... Dave. If I can just get Lisa to sign for the package...