Shark Attack

I am terrified of sharks. But... I also love them.

This past week was Shark Week on Discovery and oh my god where have I been for the last however many years this awesomeness has been on TV?!! I watched early 1900's reenactments of the New Jersey killings that inspired Jaws, where a shark headed more than a mile into a river off the Atlantic, and lost myself in shows called Deadly Waters, Sharkbite Summer and Great White Appetite.

Apparently I wasn't the only one overly excited about this lineup.


Dude, when you've got journalists being freed in North Korea or an attempted solution to the auto industry crisis up against Shark Week... tough call, right?

And you thought OctoMom was a freak show... have you watched TLC lately?

Last night I was flipping between Intervention on A&E and Little People, Big World on TLC. Little people sometimes make me nauseous -- I KNOW I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON -- but those Roloffs are a sweet family and if I'm feeling like the world is crap, watching them puts me in a much better mood. Plus, the camera people have some good tricks up their sleeves to make them seem less dwarfish -- I KNOW, ME = TERRIBLE.

During one particular commercial break - on both channels - I caught a promo for the show Table for 12. This is not a restaurant show. This is a show about a family of 12. Which normally wouldn't be so bad, but it's on the same network as the shows Jon & Kate Plus 8 and 18 and Counting (yes, and counting...).

I watch Jon & Kate Plus 8 sometimes, but sometimes I just can't. It makes me want to kick babies and smack some sense into hyper breeders -- I FULLY ADMIT I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON. I know babies are a gift from god, a miracle, the purpose of humanity, but I also know that, seriously, this planet will (and is) kill(ing) babies if it gets too many of them. Imagine how many people could be saved from malaria if Jon & Kate had stuck with 2 babies, one to replace each of them...

That being said, Jon and Kate -- mostly due to Kate's efforts -- do an inspiring job loving and taking care of their brood. And if they can do it with 6 babies, the rest of the world can do it with 2-4. I see how the show is comforting to overwhelmed and exhausted parents, many of whom appreciate that how HARD it is to raise kids is conveyed so well, and that they get a lot of perspective and, in some cases, good advice from Jon and Kate on parenting and marriage. Plus, Jon and Kate only had two pregnancies, so I don't think they were being freaky as much as they got lucky with their IVF. Like I said, sometimes I like the show too.

But I'm afraid it's started an epidemic.

Not too many seasons after Jon & Kate came to TLC, the Duggars also moved in. You know the Duggars. They're the one who look Amish, but are actually an evangelical Christian religion called Quiverful. I shudder to think...


Anyway, the Duggars got their own show, 17 & Counting, which then became 18 & Counting and a book deal called 20 & Counting. Twenty. Freaking. People. That's a classroom of family. Two baseball teams.

I should say that if the Duggars want to have 100 kids and they're bodies and wallets can support them, more power to them, but I don't feel that way. Because they are freaks, completely self absorbed with their own agenda (one they get away with because they tacked it onto god), and their multiplying affects me... financially, environmentally, socially.

Seriously, if breeding like a bunny couldn't make you famous... couldn't get you a television series that would let you afford all those rug rats... would OctoMom have been so tempted? Don't think TLC isn't developing a show for her right now, one that will air once all the judgy single momness subsides. I can just hear the brainstorms now:

• "14 vs. 1" -- Nooo, sounds too combative.
• "Extreme Single Mom" -- Maybe, it uses the right buzz words. Maybe we could roll out a line of Extreme kid foods to go along with it.
• "Must Really Love Kids" -- You think she's ready to date? Because this would be PERFECT!

If someone wants to have IVF to get their babies and they end up with 8 in one fail swoop, whoops! But if someone already has 6-18 kids from multiple pregnancies -- and by multiple I mean 15 in the case of the Duggars -- they just need to stop already. And TLC needs to stop making them out to be some sort of parenting heroes. Because that, well, that makes me more nauseous than little people ever could.