A Good, Swift Kick in the Blog

When the lady who's about to, you know, GIVE BIRTH starts asking you if you're okay since you've been a blog slacker, it's time for an update.

Lisa, I am fine. Thanks for asking? How is week 40? When is Caroline going to get here? Aside from creating life, what have you been up to lately?

I've been pretty busy these last couple of weeks. I must have done four or five loads of dishes. I went to the grocery store last week to get stuff for taco night. I vacuumed, did the laundry, and listened to my This American Life podcasts. I couldn't stand my squirrel brown hair anymore so I bought some of that Feria highlights stuff for $8 at Target and now I have a fantastic shiny orange glisten on my head. At least it makes me look more tan.

I got new issues of The Believer, Real Simple and Ready Made and have been doing my pre-sleep and bathroom-appropriate reading every day. I also started reading Flannery O'Connor's short stories. I think it was actually Amy Harris's old book from some class she took -- maybe the Waffle House one -- but I found it on the shelf and decided I would like it. Turns out Flannery was a woman. And, turns out, I really like her twisted stories.

I recently introduced flax seed oil, apple cider vinegar and children's chewable vitamins to my diet. For the first few days my pee was a lively shade of yellow. Regular vitamins make me feel nauseous but the children ones go down fine. The flax seed oil is supposed to help with digestion, and I'll vouch for that. The apple cider vinegar is supposed to help with dry skin, which I inherited from my mom, but I'm not sure yet if it's working.

I stopped eating meat two weeks ago today. I didn't eat that much of it since Mack is a vegetarian, so it hasn't been that hard. The first day I was a vegetarian he brought home a pamphlet of little chicks getting their beaks clipped and pigs shoved into tiny pens. It was sad, but it didn't really make me feel righteous for being a vegetarian. I only did it because I hoped it would force more vegetables into my diet. I hope cheese is a vegetable. And I added a Thanksgiving clause to my program that allows for the turkey piece with the skin on it. It's all about moderation.

Yesterday my boss took everyone to have pizza for lunch and to go see Blades of Glory. My favorite part was when Chazz Michael Michaels' boss at the Disney on Ice job says to him, "You smell like urine," to which Chazz replies, "A lot?" I laughed like a nutcase at that.

I made my first Roman blinds... sewed them together from scratch. Who knew they had such a thing as ring tape? The fabric is really pretty, but the execution, well, it's fine. They're better than the nicotine layered mini-blinds that were on our kitchen window. And they actually fold up like Roman blinds are supposed to. I sort of improvised from an HGTV video that I found online. It's projects like Roman blinds that make you want your mom around.

Tonight I took the dog for a walk around the block to do her nightly dookie, and I started to cross the street to come home when a guy driving a truck, who I'd waited to make sure stopped before I started crossing, decided to plow me and Venus over. He squealed to a stop, did the "sorry" arm shrug, and I screamed cuss-words at him. "You F--in almost hit me. You need to F--in slow down. What's your F-in problem, A-hole? I was in the GD crosswalk, you SOB. You should be F--in apologizing to me!" I admit, I overreacted, but it felt great to scream at him and I felt justified because he left SKID MARKS from where he almost creamed me. He never did apologize, but he did demonstrate his changed attitude by squealing his tires as he sped off at 100 miles an hour down another residential street to kill someone else.

Kitty and Venus are fed. And both just got a Front-line treatment today. Mack finally pulled that "wild hair" out of his back. That was a highlight during "Lost."

I've been keeping abreast of all my shows. "I Love New York" ended, but not a moment too soon since one of my all-time favorite shows, "Deadliest Catch," just started back up. Why New York picked Tango over Chance I will never understand.

We sold our bed on Craigslist. It was posted for about 20 minutes when a guy called me and said he would pick it up at noon. He showed up at 6:30. We're upsizing from a queen to a king, partly because I want to live in bed and partly because Mack turns into a piece of hot lead when he sleeps and queens divot way too easily. We're picking up our bed this weekend, so we're on an air mattress right now, which, surprisingly enough, is actually more comfortable than our bed was. No, that is not a subliminal push to get people to visit... it's fact.

We're also trying to sell our truck because gas is now $3.35 a gallon and expected to be over $4 a gallon this summer. That's like England prices. This is America, for God's sake.

That's pretty much what's been happening here in Los Anjealous. I'm heading to Cincinnati on Monday thru Thursday to do some work, then I'm heading to San Francisco for work, then I'm heading to Louisville for my lovelies' birthdays and to dish out the squeezes. I'm going to be busy, but I promise I'll stop slacking. Now that you're going to have a newborn around, I know you'll be needing something to fill all your downtime!