The Most Fun a Married Couple Can Have

Mack is obsessed with bugs. When we were dating there was a bush outside of his apartment that was full of praying mantids and these little red beetle bugs. Mack would study them during his smoke breaks and do experiments to see how they would respond to hot cigarettes. I brushed past this bush dozens of times and never gave the insect world a second look until he pointed out how weird and dynamic it all was. Then every time we went outside we'd stand, huddled over a 2-inch section of bush, staring at seemingly nothing, waiting for the praying mantis to nab her a little booty bug snack (the red bugs became known as booty bugs because they would shake their butts really fast in response to the hot cigarettes... we may just be scientists). 

I've never been really hateful of or too keen on bugs. Whatever. Mosquitos devour me, flies irritate me, worms make me feel so guilty when they're all laid out on the formerly wet sidewalk drying to death, and spiders I think are amazing from a healthy distance. Anything that can pull a house out of its ass is amazing. I didn't actively go looking for spiders ever, but if I found one in the corner I'd usually let it hang out for as long as it wanted to. Some may think that's dirty, but I rationalize that a spider in the corner is keeping the other bugs under control, thus making my house cleaner.

When we previously lived on an alley, the only bugs we saw were dust bugs. Massive mounds of dirt scooting into the corners and accumulating no matter how much sweeping or mopping or door sealing you did. Now that we live in a place with half a yard, Mack has been able to reconnect with the bug world, at least a little bit.

The other day as I left to take the dog on her morning walk, Mack was outside with his new best friend. I present, the Jerusalem Cricket of Mass Proportions.

This steroidal bug was an interesting break from our normal routine of eggs and soysage followed by a stroll that always ends in handling poop. He captured it, wikipediaed it, packaged it, I photographed it in disbelief, and he took it to his dad's to release it in the wild of the Park La Brea condo complex courtyard. 

A few days later, at our neighborhood 99 cent store, which is amazing because it has 4-packs of thick glass glasses for 99 cents and terrifying because it also has holiday candy dishes with warnings that the paint on them contains lead for 99 cents, I walked into a display of venus fly traps. I thought it might be a pretty rare find since I'd never actually seen a venus fly trap in real life... not counting Venus when she tries to catch flies by biting them. Then I thought, hey, it's only 99 cents, why not buy two? I am a very deep, complex thinker, especially when posed with the question of how much to buy at the 99 cent store.

I knew Mack would love the fly trap, so of course as soon as he opened it we had to go on a bug hunt. The trouble is, California doesn't have bugs really, aside from mutant Jerusalem crickets. We had to really look in some nooks and crannies, but eventually we came up with a spider and dropped it onto the fly trap. And, in true fly trap fashion, it closed its mouth on the spider. 

The most amazing thing in nature that I've ever seen. A predatory plant. A carnivorous plant. Basically the universe as I know it changed in that moment. And I wanted to feed it again.

Well, it takes a while for the fly trap to excrete all its plant stomach juices to digest the bug, so you can't feed it every day. But you can feed it the day after every day. Which is what we did, but not before being caught snooping around cracks in the carport, flashlight in hand and no obvious reason for our behavior, by our neighbor while we looked for the plant snack. This time I videotaped the whole meal to blow your mind too.

This is where we're getting ready to feed the plant.

This is where the plant shows the bug who's boss.

This fly trap has been the most fun that's come into our house since the addition of the big, flat, shiny, new TV. And it was 199,900 cents cheaper.