My List of Things that Are Destroying Humanity

Sorry, but I can't keep this in anymore.

1. Crocs
They're just rubber toe jam vessels. It's disgusting, just revolting, to think of cooks, dishwashers, nurses and surgeons wearing these foot condoms. Look, guys, tying isn't that hard, and if you "cain't bend," the last thing you need is a shoe to enable you.

2. Recliners
I like to lay down and watch TV as much as the next person, but when you're being that lazy, you shouldn't have an audience. You should be filled with a quiet shame that keeps you from making sitting on your ass in a Cadillac chair your favorite past time. The recliner is in the living room, where other people are living. You do not need to show off your sleep apnea and how close you are to death by sleeping in a recliner. 

3. Snuggies
Really? Is it that hard to keep the blanket up by your neck? Are your arms really so cold all the time that you simply have to have a backwards fleece robe to keep from getting hypothermia? Is a throw blanket seriously not cutting it for you? If you put on a Snuggie, even if it's at an outdoor sporting event, someone needs to slap you.

4. Forever Lazy
These actually have a way to zip open the ass. ZIP OPEN THE ASS. Why bother? If you're in a Forever Lazy, you're probably shitting your pants anyway because getting up to go to the bathroom, sitting down on the toilet, and squeezing out a loaf is just something you're too lazy to do. Forever Lazy ought to be called Mostly Dead.

5. Fast Food
This shouldn't even get to be called "food" anymore (except Wendy's, which does actually manage to cook some things themselves). It's chemically engineered mouth garbage, and it's worse for our humanity than meth. I'm convinced that both of them make you mentally retarded if overconsumed. I know the deliciousness of a McDonald's French Fry, and even knowing they're toxic, I sometimes succumb to them. By sometimes I mean once every 5 years. Some people consider this cotton candy shaped as burgers and fries as suitable for breakfast, lunch, and dinner... for themselves AND THEIR KIDS. We tax cigarettes and alcohol and those are now killing fewer people than fast food. That fast food isn't being taxed is a sin.

6. Walmart
Just going in to Walmart gives me anxiety. I usually last about 3 minutes before I've got to get out of there or else I'm going to start buying stuff to make bombs. I don't even care that Morningstar Sausage Patties are $1.30 cheaper there than at Kroger. I would pay $6 more just to avoid seeing those people driving their carts and filling them with ice cream, pork chops, and Mountain Dew, knowing they have health insurance and I don't.

7. Suburbs
Strip malls and cars and sameness, oh my. And I don't know why, but people triple in size in the suburbs. I grew up in the suburbs, and the suburbs of my youth are not the suburbs of today. We moved to the suburbs so we could ride our bikes and play in the safety of a cul de sac. Now when I end up in the suburbs, I never see a kid riding a bike or shooting basketball. I see fences and rigidly landscaped yards with Japanese Maples and giant garages. I know people live in the suburbs, but you never see them. 

8. PINK Sweatpants
I used to think PINK Sweatpants, the "college"of Victoria's Secret, were kind of cute. That is, until 90% of the women in my college starting wearing them to school. Sweatpants are fine if you're prepping to kick Creed's ass by racing up the stairs at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. They're even fine if you're wearing them at home so that you don't resort to wearing a Forever Lazy. Sweatpants, however, are not appropriate attire for the public. Has the fashion sense of women really devolved so much in 50 years that sweatpants and Ugg boots are the best we can do? Am I crazy to think that jeans and a shirt aren't that hard to put on?

9. Cigarettes
These are worse than fast food by like a millimeter. Maybe even a micrometer. Maybe they're just as bad. As a past social smoker and an intermittent drunk smoker, I just wish they'd do me and everyone else in the world a favor and ban these things already.

10. Cars
People drive these 4,000 pound missiles like their riding in a little red wagon. They text and fiddle with the radio and talk on the phone and then they try to kill me in a crosswalk or run over me on my bike. Not to mention their contribution to our environmental woes and our sedentary lifestyles. We have one car, and when it's 17 degrees outside, I'm incredibly grateful for it. But I don't use it as a kitchen, I understand how a 4-way stop works, and if it's 17 degrees out, I'm conscientious enough to give way to the pedestrians.