Analyze This, Duex

Last night, while Mack was sleeping soundly under the breeze of the ceiling fan, Jen drove us off a narrow road and we almost plummeted to our deaths.

It started out as a fun little excursion, a little girlfriend road trip with Jen behind the wheel, me in the backseat, and some strange person I don't remember in the passenger seat. We were heading out to a little park at the end of a narrow road and were pretty excited to spend the day relaxing.

But this road was no ordinary narrow road. Unless your narrow roads are ordinarily suspended over enormous bodies of water and lacking anything remotely resembling a guard rail.

Despite the danger lurking at every... place... we calmly chatted about life. Easy breezy. And then, as we rounded a gentle curve, Jen misjudged her tires and the front right one slipped off the edge of the road.

The car tilted forward and we looked at each other and let out as sigh. Not a scream as you might expect, or a holy fuck we're going to die, but a sigh. Like, a "here we go again" sigh.

Because I am apparently an expert at cars plummeting into bodies of water, I advised my carmates to go ahead and open their doors so that when we landed in the water, we could easily escape the sinking vehicle. I also decided that, since I was again soooo good at this type of scenario, I'd go ahead and grab my satchel, which was carrying my laptop and my iPhone, even though all the survival guides tell you to forget about your purse. Those things clearly don't consider a person's devotion to Apple products.

We hit the water and all of us safely escaped the vehicle in those few seconds it takes for the car to fill up and start sinking. I started swimming to the bridge support, hoping that if I could just get my electronics out of the water quickly, maybe they could recover. But when I looked behind me, I saw Jen was still hanging onto the car door. Like it was a floaty.

Again with the "here we go again" sigh.

Since my electronics were in all likelihood already ruined, I swam over to her just as the car started to pull her under, grabbed her arm, and brought her to the surface. Together we swam toward the bridge support, but before we reached it we were magically transported to the roadway. I started unpacking my wet electronics and asking other drivers if anyone had a blow dryer.

So, "here we go again" sigh, what does this one mean?

For a review of the last one, which is freakishly similar, click here.

Analyze This.

Lately Mr. T and I have been using separate comforters, an act he hates and I love. For years I've been freezing my ass off at night, clinging to the duvet overflow because my bedmate thinks he needs a king size comforter all to himself. But last week our other comforter wasn't dry all the way, so we brought in our back up, and then, well, then we just never put the back up away.

So now we get to be two cocoons of warmth instead of one. Sweet equality.

But all this sound sleep hasn't necessarily been restful. I sleep so deeply that my dreams take the place of reality and I'm up all night running from killers and saving people's lives.

Take last night for example. Everything was great at first. I was sitting on the dock of a huge lake, watching Amy swim, beer in hand, in the little roped off swimming area. She was floating that special way she has of floating and everything was just fine. That is, until Shamu showed up.

All of a sudden, I was screaming from the dock for Amy to swim to the side and get out. But she was floating that special way she has of floating and she couldn't make out my actual words with her ears in the water. Then Betsy ended up in the roped off swimming area magically and she heard me screaming and started to swim toward me. Which was dumb because I was farther from her than the side and she had to swim right past Shamu to make it to me.

In all the commotion, Amy finally caught on that her life was in danger and started to swim to the edge. But not very aggressively since she had to keep her beer hand up out of the water to keep her beer safe. At the very last second, just as Shamu was about to have an Amy snack, she swam under the dock and took cover.

Betsy got to me and I pulled her out of the water, very dramatically by her bikini bottoms, which gave her a ridiculous wedgie. Why was that part so clear in all of this? A wedgie sticks out during my whale attack dream? Come on brain.

We both ran to the dock where Amy was hiding, expecting her to come out the other side so we could pull her out, but she never came out the other side. She was just under the dock. Running out of air. Without her beer.

What a nightmare.