Como un presidente

After two years of travel for work, Mack has earned some epic awards and decided to cash in on his elite status by booking us a week in Cozumel at the Hotel Presidente. I wasn't mad about it.

Our room was on the second floor and looked out right over the beach. Every day started by opening the curtains and looking out at beautiful blue water, boats full of people in pursuit of fun, and puffy white clouds. We got very spoiled and our brains were poisoned into needing to live in this kind of place.

I did manage to go do a workout most days we were there, thanks to Jen's motivation. That was literally the most productive thing I did. The rest of the time I did this.

There were two snorkeling areas, one right in front of our room and another at the other end of the property. So our day started outside our door and progressed about 500 yards down the beach, with restaurant pit stops in between. We took dips in the mostly warm water and looked at beautiful fish playing around a sunken catamaran. I even saw a sting ray fly by!

Everytime we got in the water these decent-sized silver fish came up to us and followed us around. We named them the Welcoming Committee. They'd get so close that every now and then you'd catch a glimpse of one peripherally right by your body and have a little heart attack.

Like a little Secret Service, that Welcoming Committee is.

When we got bored of laying around and snorkeling, we'd walk the grounds. In a nod of Mayan culture and iguanas, the hotel had built these little ruins with PVC tunnels for iguanas to hunker down in.

We also discovered this amazing rainforest tree, which we revisited several times throughout the week. One night we walked down there after stuffing our faces to stretch our bellies and it was full of bats. They were zipping here and there and I freaked out. Mack was like, CHILL, but I couldn't get chill with speed demons almost dive bombing my head. He tried to make me love them by saying, they're just eating mosquitos. He lies tries.

Speaking of stuffing our faces, we did that every day. At first it was twice a day, but then we started to feel extra gross so it became a snack and one face stuff. We had a Mediterranean seafood place, a Mexican place, and a beach pizza place to choose from. One night I had distilados... and a delusion that I was knowledgeable about them... at a restaurant that had this lighting feature on its menu. I have some aunts and uncles who'd love this feature (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, TINA & TONY).

After eating, dodging bats, and looking at stars, we had a little hot tub soak. Life was hard as an elite presidente. It's probably time for Mack to go back to work so we can get another free retreat.

Chicks and chirrens

Before the Peckerwoods became the best thing in my life, it was the babies. Shannon brought three of my babies for a visit after Christmas and now my absolute most favorite thing in the entire world is the babies with the chickens. It's like a double whammy of perfection.

Of note, Kieron is wearing Renee's pants and my t-shirt from a Lucinda Williams concert because we are such good adults we made them swim in their clothes at the beach since we forgot their swimsuits. But we are such good adults because they were at the beach in December.

Renee should be a farmer. She's a little chicken whisperer. And she has crazy barn hair!

These nerds and their little nerd faces. 

Oh my god. This kid is perfection. Grubby, who cares, perfection.

Renee in my leggings. We initially had her in my v-neck t-shirt from Target but it basically v-ed down to her bellybutton so her mom swapped her shirts. See above about how these kids were at a beach in December.

Renee, like Cinnamon, likes dried meal worms too. SHE ACTUALLY ATE THE WORMS! 

Look at this beautiful baby. And that boy holding her is totally handsome too.

My Sweet Little Bebe

Betsy came to California again. Her first time was to bring me and Mack out here. Her second time was to bring my mom out. And this time, it was for vacation.

About time!

It was so awesome having her around for a few weeks, going thrift shopping and taking little hikes and meeting for some Ramen after work. Most of all, though, it was amazing to hear her giggle, her wonderful laugh, her audible joy that bubbles out and brings sunshine to the world. 

We even got to do a Little Mermaid reenactment to make my other sisters jealous. We watched so much Little Mermaid when Betsy was little that to this day I can practically recite the entire movie by heart. This was back in the days of Blossom Lane, when I was 10 and she was born. She was so sweet back then too, and I remember one time when she gave me her candy. Before Betsy, I'd only gotten candy from my sisters by sneaking it, swindling it, or trading it. Betsy is a different breed of human, and man, am I so grateful to know and love her.

Dulywed: Year 11

Poppy,

Eleven years in the books. Somehow it feels like the blink of an eye but it's not because wrinkles are taking over our faces. Mine more than yours, which is a real asshole thing to do to a woman.

This past year has been one of constant change, all for the better. We got settled in our new house. You finished residency and started being a legit doctor. I got trained on being a radio nurse, finished nursing school again, and decided to raise chickens. We watched Mateo and Beatrix learn to climb stairs. Everything was going so crazy this summer that I looked at you and said, "NO MORE CHANGES." Life was happening too fast, and even for a child of divorce, adjusting to that much change, good or bad, was getting to be too much. I think you respected my no change mandate for about three days.

That is how things are between us. I'm like a giant boulder in the middle of your lake of frenzy, taking the whitewater and making a little circle of calm out of it. You are the powerboat with the jet engine going a trillion miles an hour and setting goals like "make $20 million." My goal is "don't get fat."

How did we end up together? How have we stayed together? How do I still like you so much?

Maybe it's the joy that comes with your morning jammie pants concerts, where you play the piano and wail random songs like The Who's "Athena" and Queen's "You're My Best Friend" and I declare them to be about me. Maybe it's the FaceTime chats where you call me after a 16-hour shift and pretend you're in a coffin and then make funny faces like a toddler. Maybe it's our stubbornness coupled with the ongoing battles to see who will get out of bed first and who will make the coffee. Maybe it's the Bitcoin. Yeah, it's probably the Bitcoin.

When I used to imagine what being married was like, I thought it would be romantic and sexy and loving. It's actually a lot of comfortable pants, smudged mascara, and bad breath. It's someone to eat meals with, someone who makes sure you didn't die when you were hanging a door by yourself, someone to warm the bed up at night. It's the right to shove a smart phone or a 10-pound internal medicine book out of the way to get attention. It's a series of contracts where I say, "Need more hugs," and you say, "Get a life." It's tolerance and forgetfulness. It helps to have a little mental illness, and abandonment issues, too.

It's not easy being married. Our co-dependence makes me subject to some of the deepest loneliness I've ever felt. It makes me accept being treated like a servant. It makes me chronically obligated to you so much so that I don't invest in friendships. It makes me have dreams that you're cheating on me with some blonde chick with a bob haircut. When you're away at work and I'm home doing life without you, the void is so much it's like only taking half breaths. I never wanted to feel this vulnerable, but without it, I don't think we would have this miracle of a thing that's between us. No, it's not beautiful -- often times it's downright ugly -- but it is extraordinary and magical. Okay, it's also a little sick.

The eleventh anniversary gift is steel. Seems callous and abrasive, but I get it. A marriage that long can be cold, but it can also withstand immense heat. It is strong, strong enough to bridge huge expanses of space without extra support. It can be repaired with welds. If you want something to last, to survive powerful blows and unrelenting pressure and heated emotions and all the elements that are inherent in relationships, make it out of steel.

To know that you are there, that you will know when I'm seriously in need and not just being needy, that you will share with me everything in life... there has never been anyone in my life so dependable and reliable and constant. I am so grateful to you for that.

Happy anniversary. And remember, hodl.

Looks like the chicken came first.

It took 5 months and 28 days, but somehow the dumbest girl in the flock figured out the purpose of her existence. Clove laid an egg. 

She and Ginger spent the morning screaming at each other with the loudest squawks yet. I'd go check on them and Clove would be in the yard while the other three were clustered in another area, and she and Ginger would be having a shouting match. It was ridiculous. And then, I finally got a clue.

As always, apologies for the voice. 

The girls were totally freaked out about that thing that came out of Clove's butt, so we had a talk about the birds and the bees and how they're women now and I will be eating their periods thank you very much. Cinnamon just looked at me like this.

Isaac. Almost as tall as a sequoia.

My sweet cousin Isaac came for a visit to celebrate his birthday. My mom gave him a taste of the beach life and the active life... and then she took us to get burgers the size of our heads. Someone tell me how she stays so tiny eating this way.

When it was my turn to show him around, I decided we'd go road tripping to the woods. First things first, though, I had to figure out which car he'd fit in. Unfortunately, my giant cousin didn't fit in the convertible, so he wasn't able to experience the real thrill of a road trip in Cali. Once we made it to the big trees. I don't think he minded one bit.

For scale, Isaac is like 6'4".

We did a hike around Crescent Meadow that gave us beautiful views of giant trees. 

And this little creature showed its face in a ray of sunlight on the trail along the way.

Guys, we went INSIDE a burned out Sequoia called Chimney Tree. It was pretty awesome.

After our marathon day in the woods, Isaac revealed that he hadn't yet put his toe in the Pacific. We had to fix that so we headed to Ventura. Mack was there working there so he had a hotel room right on the beach. We got a good night's sleep, then Isaac got his Cali baptism.

In a happy coincidence, the Ventura County Fair was going on next door to our hotel. We walked over to eat fair food, drink beer, and people watch. When we got back to our hotel, they started setting off fireworks, and it was like our own private show! First the deer, then the fireworks. Isaac is a magnet for that Cali magic.

The last couple days of his visit were spent in Long Beach at my house. We went down to the beach and tried ice cream made with liquid nitrogen before our very eyes at Isaac's suggestion. Between that and the burger as big as my head, Zak's trip made my pants a little tighter for sure.

We fit in one last hurrah with a visit to the Aquarium of the Pacific. Laila and I had gone there earlier this summer and loved it. It's massive and you get to touch all kinds of things... sharks, sting rays, starfish, jellyfish, horseshoe crabs. There are otters and sea lions and countless aquariums. My favorite things are the jelly fish, and I can't get over how beautiful these Lorikeet birds are.

TOUCH IT. 

This guy. Just one of the beautiful fish in just one of the beautiful aquariums there.

This guy is about 3 feet long. His lips cracked me up. There was also al little mini hammerhead looking shark that cruised through this aquarium every now and then.

Isaac's trip was six days but it felt like 5 minutes. We crammed every waking minute with adventures and barely did anything. You know what that means? He's just gonna have to come back!

Meet the Peckerwoods.

When we were house hunting last fall, we put an offer on a place that had a chicken coop in the back. I have wanted chickens for a while, and the coop was the universe's way of telling me that was my new home. We didn't get that house, but for my birthday this year, Laila got me chickens. You can't stop the universe.

Ginger. She's a Rhode Island Red.

Clove. She's an Australorp.

Lemondrop. She's a Dominique.

Cinnamon. She's an Ameraucana. She will lay blue or green eggs.

I wanted three chickens, but the lady who sells them said if you want three, get four. Inevitably one will get sick and die or be a rooster and you'll have to return it. Guess what. All of my chickens are perfectly healthy. Cinnamon had a little eye goo when she was brand new, followed by a couple bouts of pasty butt, but that is it. Whether one is a rooster remains to be seen, but from the looks of things at this point, they are all girls.

Mack decided they needed a little apartment so they could get out of the bright light if they wanted to. They thought their food bowl made an excellent bed.

Like 3 days in they started getting their big girl feathers on their wings. They'd stretch out real big and long. We called it their "sexy."

About two weeks in, they started jumping on top of their apartment inside their plastic box. We took them to their coop to play. Life hasn't been the same since. 

The chicken lady said they could live in the coop when they were 8 weeks old, but after these girls got a taste of the outside, that's all they wanted. For a couple weeks, we put them in the coop during the day and brought them in at night so they wouldn't get cold or eaten.

That outside was like steroids. They went from chicks to chickens in a couple of weeks! They ran around the yard and hung out in the bushes. We started a morning ritual of sitting outside to drink coffee and watch the chicken drama unfold. Lemondrop would find a worm, Ginger would try to steal it out of her mouth, everyone would run around like lunatics. Pure entertainment.

At the beginning of June, I left my chicks to go on a camping trip and Mack went away to work for the weekend. I left them lots of food and fresh water and secured their coop. When I came home two days later, I had middle schooler chickens. It was unreal.

The Peckerwood Gang. They run the backyard.

They do not approve of a lame human coming into their clubhouse. Chickens are the masters of side eye.

Lemondrop, named for her poof of yellow on her butt, no longer has a poof of yellow on her butt.

Clove, well, her body grew but her brain has not developed much to this day.

At the beginning of July I went to Kentucky for a week. I figured their growth would slow down a little bit but nope. I came home to teenager chickens. They had boobs and attitudes. They were pretty and sassy. They were smarter. Except Clove. Cinnamon had a damn mustache! 

We started calling her Gimli because her mustache reminded us of the dwarf on Lord of the Rings.

The Peckerwoods ruled the roost and their roost was their coop, the backyard, the patio, the sideyard, the garage, my garden, and anywhere else they decided to go. Mack had let them have free reign over the place.

This is what giving no fucks looks like.

Here's what "You're not the boss of me" looks like.

These chickens have become a pain in my ass. They are naughty and demanding and treat me like I am the scariest monster in the world even tho all I ever do is give them treats and snacks. They shit everywhere. I make them corn popsicles and apple and popcorn garland and they act like I've put out poison for them. They have devoured my garden, eating everything from kale to radish greens to zucchini leaves to watermelon vines. When I planted new seeds, they came right behind me and dug them up. I put up some chicken netting to keep them from shitting all over the patio furniture. Yeah, they use it as a hammock.

RIP radishes. You were doing so well.

Hell yeah, a swing! 

Just throwing a little party where we shit all over the patio and rage all over this plant.

They are definitely college-aged at this point and it's only been 10 weeks! If Clove wasn't with other chickens, she'd be failing at life entirely. Lemondrop is on the Dean's List and Ginger is maintaining a passing GPA. Cinnamon is in community college and will probably end up being a plumber. Clove is gas station material. These girls are bad. They are rotten. They are ornery. They are trouble. They are my favorite things in life right now.

I have favorites. She is it in the chicken department.