What I Did While Obama Made History

After Mack and I did our civic duty at the polls and collected proof in the form of a sticker, we came home to watch as the first African American in the United States became the leader of the free world. And this is what happened...

Kitty tried to kill me and steal my Obama-Biden t-shirt.
Obama supporters cheered and chanted at Grant Park in Chicago in the brisk November weather.
McCain supporters listened to the guys from the FreeCreditReport.com commercials perform at the swanky Biltmore Hotel in Phoenix.
Kitty tried to drink my beer.
Wolf Blitzer said, "Bonanza."
A panel of 5 white people discussed how having a black president will affect race relations in the United States.
Kitty stole Mack's breath and he went unconscious.
Paul Begala said, "Peace out, Cub Scout."
McCain's extra neck skin started to be a distraction... and has he always had stroke eye there on his left?
Obama wins Ohio. I got jiggy with it.
Dana Cash said they've turned off the news at the Biltmore, likely to preserve what's left of the "festive" atmosphere since they opted NOT to have an ice luge.
Guy Working the Map said, "I wouldn't bet a dime on McCain winning New Mexico."
Mack ate some pumpkin chili and broke out his Quantitative Analysis homework.CNN's graphics officially went over the top with the Capitol Building in the middle of the table and the rainbow of seats over it.
And then they hit the ridiculous mark when they HOLOGRAMMED IN Will.I.Am... as if he was Princess Leia.
Finally, the polls closed on the West Coast, and my candidate was awarded what he had worked his entire life for.
Let us never underestimate the power of a community organizer ever again.

R.I.P. Halloween 2008

Somehow I managed to turn October (the entire month) into Halloween. I unintentionally used the same tactics I use in May for my birthday, and now I have no money and had way too much fun.

This Halloween was bigger and better than any I've ever had before. And by bigger and better I mean we had an ice luge.
For those of you past fraternity rush age, an ice luge is a block of ice carved with a little trail through it that you pour shots down and then catch in your mouth. I'm not positive, but I think it's what inspired the Beastie Boys to fight for their right to party.
Since I am past fraternity rush age, I concocted a "witch's brew" to save myself from having to succumb to peer pressure and ingest shots of actual liquor. And no, I did not go as a wimp this year. I went as Regan from The Exorcist.
The ice luge was a centerpiece of the crime scene we set up in the carport. In anticipation of my best Halloween party yet, Sandra and I did a few rounds of crime scene photos that we used to create creepy ambiance on Friday night. Being on the verge of death is never really as much fun as we had faking it, a fact Jen can attest to.

In addition to mandatory costumes, I insisted every guest try the ice luge and get their mugshot taken. Because what fun is Halloween without a few requirements? And photographic evidence of poor judgment?
Since my neighbor does construction we had actual coffins -- one grown up sized and one baby sized. And we had a graveyard. To all the poor homeowners who hired my neighbors, thanks for the plywood and the styrofoam. They really made my month.
Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween. Or at least lived through it...

Waasssuuppp... the last 8 years

Remember that Bud commercial (back when Budweiser was an American beer) where all the guys "Wassup" each other? No? Well, here it is.

It's been 8 years since those guys made that commercial. So, they reunited and made this one. And they are not looking so good these days.

Not exactly Mr. Rogers... but then he was creepier than anyone thought he was.

I talk about my neighbors a lot. Partly because they are in such close proximity all the time and partly because they have sort of become my surrogate family.
They drive Harleys and they have a dozen snakes living in their house. Their baby girl wears skeleton clothes and sports a mohawk. They cuss like sailors and drink Jack Daniels. They have a pit bull. They decorate our garden with jawbones and skulls that Sandra got during her career in taxidermy.
At first glance, they seem like a scary lot. And until Halloween last year, I doubted that we had anything in common. I mean, I'm sure it's quite a sight to see me in my heels heading to work on a scooter while Bill in his tattered blue jeans heads to work in a truck I'm not entirely convinced isn't my grandpa's.

But Halloween, that time of year when people are allowed to let those dark parts of their personalities come into the light, showed that we are more alike than I may have realized. I love horror movies, they love horror movies. I love carving pumpkins, they love carving pumpkins. I love to be scared, they love to scare people.

Whenever I talk about my neighbors to my more "contained" friends, they seem to feel for me that I live by these people. But I love it. I've lived by people who were far worse (Roy, the mailman who nagged me about mowing my yard even when I was working three jobs to pay my mortgage, comes to mind) and by people who we far more secretive (I've lived by some people for years without ever seeing their faces, which made asking for a cup of sugar seem like an offense). With my neighbors now, what you see is the worst of what you get.

Most days, when we're not playing with blood and pretending to kill things in the name of Halloween, they make me coffee and share their pumpkin muffins. They plant colorful mums and water my plants. They bring down a bowl of veggie chili and invite us up to watch them feed their snakes. At the risk of softening their edge, they're really the best neighbors I've ever had.

(* no one was harmed in the making of these photos, except the pumpkins)

Dulywed: What's Beneath All Those Vows (a series)

I sat working on my Halloween shopping list, sipping a latte he made from our new espresso machine -- an indulgence courtesy of his first med school acceptance. He danced his fingers across the out of tune piano in the living room, creating an ambiance that echoes the one I want to have in the house I get with secret passageways and hidden rooms.

And in a few harmonious seconds, I forgot all about his facial hair wallpapering the sink, his obliviousness to the dishwasher and his post-judo practice smell perfuming the whole house and remembered that this is why I love him.

That is when he switched tunes and replaced Chopin with Kung Fu Fighting.

Adventures in Babysitting

On Saturday night I was trusted with the life of another human being... that of my neighbors' baby to be precise.

Which seems even more remarkable considering that they know I sent my dog to a retirement home and that my cat has been on her last legs for two years now.

I was all prepped to give my full attention to something the size of a pumpkin, was all ready to read books full of one syllable words and was totally committed to doing the same thing over and over again so she could give me a few good chuckles before she gives me that look that tells me I went just a little too far into crazy.

And then she fell asleep. Before her parents were even gone. Without even one game played.

So I laid on the couch next to her and watched The Devil's Rejects while she made little snores and no doubt had sweet dreams.

Miss Kitty's seen better days...

Like when Jen was here. Not only did Jen make our house literally smell like roses, she also did the dishes, groomed the cat, and made the bed. And now, Kitty is once again thinking she's royalty, this is her kingdom and I am here only to serve her Iams and make Mack's life better suited to lounging with her.

Fine then...

Apparently my challenge wasn't very... well... challenging. My mind is busy being creative about other things like HALLO-FREAKIN-WEEN!

Anyway, here's the real reason Jen posed at Muscle Beach. I think his name is Dark Sexy, but I'm not positive. Jen was the one who got his number...

Extreme Tourism...

Jen is a tourism super model. She does all the right poses and is just so when it comes to getting her travel pictures taken. This makes assembling Martha Stewart-esque scrapbooks much easier.

But in the case of the photo below, Jen played up her tourist persona to bring you a very special glimpse of Muscle Beach. Can you tell what it is? Leave a guess in the comments and then I'll do a big reveal in a couple days. The first winner gets a trick or a treat... I get to decide.

A little toupee experiment

Jennifer is here. Suck it to the rest of you who want her. I won this weekend.

We've had oodles of fun that involves bicycles and margaritas and ravines and minimal blogging, but for now, I offer you this: a segment we call "uh, what's up with the hairpiece?"
Hey, we tried to be perfect, but alas, Mother Nature issued other mandates. Since it's been a losing battle, we've instead opted for perfect fun, which, to quote my future president, makes us potentially a little "too awesome."

Lisa, this one's for you...

Just about a lifetime ago, I had the privilege of being an observer of "A Summer of Staches." The "SoS" was a season of change for several of my guy friends, wherein they all agreed to grow mustaches and wear tank tops.

Lisa asked earlier this year if anyone had photographic evidence of this event, and while I had a mental picture, I just could not find the physical one. I pulled out boxes upon boxes of photos, making Mack think I'd caught the crazy that Barbara Hershey gets in Beaches when she's all, "I've got to find the picture of my mom's hands or else my daughter will die!"

I gave up and assumed it'd been lost in the move. Until last night.

While tidying up for Jen's visit (just 10 more hours!!!), I was trying to toss Mack's microphone to the top of the bedroom closet. It decided the top of the closet wasn't where it wanted to be, so it took aim at my head. I fell into the shelves where I keep my hot rollers to dodge its attack, and in my state of grace, I knocked a decorative photo box off the shelf. Photos spilled out chronicling misplaced moments from my life, and there, at the bottom of the pile of memories, folded in half, was The. Stache. Photo.

Dulywed: What's Beneath All Those Vows (a series)

Sitting in our respective spots in the living room, after watching a thrilling episode of Project Runway and eating pumpkin muffins for dinner, Mr. T looks my way with a glint in his eye that means he's thinking about something not related to judo.

"We've had some great adventures," he says.

"Season Finale, part 1...," I remind him, ruining the sweet moment that's about to slap me in the face.

"How many other couples can say they've been to Africa and to a McDonald's diner together?" he ponders.

"Or to jail."

No, this is not "baby fever"

But, come on, when meat collides as it has in this photo of my neighbor Sadie and her cousin, it needs to be shared with the world.
So as not to explode your mind, I cropped out the BABIES KISSING, because that would have been cuteness overload and the kiss was really not letting the meat have its moment.

Now, if I could just get my chub to look that cute...

Riddle me this...

Right, so, okay. There's this thing. It comes once every four years, but it lasts only about two minutes. And basically. Yeah, basically, people have died trying to get this thing. Uh huh, they've died. Like more people than have died in Iraq have died trying to get this thing. And now EVERYONE has it. Everyone. They've given it to Every. Single. Person. It's doesn't cost a penny. But it could cost you everything if you don't do it. So, what is it?

Dulywed: What's Beneath All Those Vows (a series)

Mack slumps into the house after a long day of school and discovers me hard at work on his computer. Reading stories.

"Babe, seriously, can we get some groceries?" he whimpers. "I really can't go to school all day and not eat."

I tenderly point out the fact that it's not the we don't have food... it's that he won't make it. If it doesn't come in a microwaveable bag or a banana peel, suddenly it ceases to exist.

Broken into a state of ludicrous from starvation, he turns into a crabby monster.

"Don't treat me like I'm a baby," he huffs.

"Stop acting like one and I won't," I tenderly retort.

"Get out of my face and don't talk to me the rest of the night."

Normally, I would have thrown some hate back in his face because that's what makes us happy, but he was hungry, and I know how hungry can make you insane.

Like when I'm hungry (or tired), I turn into this:
I tenderly stood up, left his computer, went into the kitchen and started cooking every morsel of food we had in the entire house. I made him two grilled cheese sandwiches, a dinner plate's worth of green beans, pasta salad with green beans, basil and tomatoes from our garden or my Aunt Becky's garden, potato salad and tuna salad. Then I went to the grocery store and replenished some of the snack stash, even throwing in a bag of hydrogenate-free chocolate chip cookies in the hopes that it would sweeten him up a little bit.

And that is why I earned an A+ in wife today.

I'm sad about this.

I love the scene in Cool Hand Luke where Paul Newman eats 50 eggs. In no way am I a film expert, but that scene is executed to perfection. The ludicrousness of the challenge, the humor of Luke's distended belly, the rallying prisoners -- it's tense and dramatic and comical all wound up together in a dreamy little package of time.How do you pay tribute to the life of a man like Paul Newman, a man who happily stayed married to his wife forever and who started an organic food movement long before it was cool? I think it starts with a bag of Newman-Os, a tall glass of milk and plans to escape.

Smooshie Muahs

I love being this close to other human beings. I love squashing our faces together and forgetting whose arm is whose and letting our heartbeats make sense of it all. Thanks to those of you who let me be this close to you. It makes this life worth living.

The Endorsement Series (Part 9 in a Series)

When I visit my mom and dad's house, I eat basically every nut they have in their house.

They have Everybody's Nuts Pistachios. Ate 'em. They have Blue Diamond smoked almonds. Devoured. They have Blue Diamond wasabi almonds. Well, they HAD wasabi almonds.

I just can't help it. Nuts are like salty crunchy goodness wads, and I am weak in the face of salty crunchy goodness wads.

I crunched through every nut in the house, and then, on the way to the airport, just when they thought their nuts were safe, I discovered the Blue Diamond Cinnamon Brown Sugar Almonds that my dad keeps in the console in the event that during his workday he realizes he's skipped 6 meals and is on the verge of a coma from improper nutrition. His near-death starvation couldn't even stop me from popping a handful into my mouth.

Come on, they taste like CHRISTMAS MORNING, people! A nut that is like Christmas. As if I could resist that.

Just go out, buy them, and hide them in a special place like a little squirrel does with its winter nuts. Deez nuts.

Making Messers

Leiah and Matt finally did it. No, they did that a LONG time ago. This time they did this.
During a whirlwind trip home to witness the nuptials and share my over-sized bosom with relatives I haven't seen in years, I think I managed to get in 11 hours of sleep.

The whole weekend was like a slurry of sassy comebacks, which basically means it was like a long weekend in heaven for me. I went out with Leigh and Heather to soak up some "Is that Sarah Palin?" glances. I got to have a beer with my cousins Isaac, Ryan, Nate, Andrea, and Taylor, all of whom I haven't seen in years and are even more fun as adults than they were as kids. Aunt Tina and Aunt Becky made my mom smile that way that only her sisters can make her smile, and I had an impromptu family reunion right outside the restroom with the Hensleys, who all seem to be gradually turning into Mimis and Pas. I think Magnolia actually emits light from her bright personality. Of course, Seth was there too... flunking on his ushering duties and trying to grow facial hair. I got to spend the night at Betsy's apartment and be jealous of her tiny furniture and her ability to make random feel orderly -- and I got to perform some big sister duties against some newly discovered larvae in her bedroom. I got to teach Ben the importance of the clink when toasting, even though he was drinking out of a sippy cup.

The only thing not perfect about the whole affair was the absence of Shan, Chaz and the Sweet Meat. But, they were huge parts of the story telling and big sources of pride for the rest of us, so while they weren't there in physical form, they were represented well by the words hanging in the air.
I talked too loud, I barked too many orders, I laughed too hard, I revealed too much, I generally overdid everything. It was like I was on Life Red Bull or something, and now, now that it's calm enough for me to bathe responsibly, I am sick. Like sinus pressure, hacking cough sick. Like the sick where your colleagues say, "Um, maybe you should go home," and you retort, in the voice of a 13 year old boy because that's all the voice you have left, "No, I'm okay. I've got some tea."

I wouldn't change it for the world.

Dulywed: What's Beneath All Those Vows (A Series)

The room becomes filled with what can only be described as bombed by a Porta Potty.

Me: Did you just shit your pants?

Him: No, you were just ignoring what I was saying so I tried to communicate with smells.