Just Kidding Around

So, I don't have kids. But I do have a nephew and a niece, and during excursions to delight in their perfection, I get a special insight into the minds of children. And their parents.

A couple weekends ago we went to the Renaissance Fare in Eminence, Ky. Before the festival, I only knew Eminence as a place to buy computer desks off Craigslist for my mom. Now I know it has a huge hunk of land used for pretending we're back in time. And it also has Doktor Kaboom.

Doktor Kaboom pairs science with quick wit and a sassy sense of humor. He was using a catapult to launch bananas at a little girl's face and I don't think I've laughed so hard at middle school assembly content in my life. (He's starting a thing called Club Kaboom where you can get science experiments to do with your kids, so sign up and make summer less boring.)

After Doktor Kaboom, my favorite thing was Ben being totally naughty. First I asked him to take a picture and he demonstrated his ability to out-stubborn even the most stubborn of us.

Shortly after the refusal session, he sassed his momma and got put in timeout. On a hay bale. Next to performing horses. Where he had no problem talking to himself and enjoying his time alone in his own head. Our next little outing was this past weekend to meet Thomas the Tank Engine. Thomas is a sensitive issue around Ben. When he was first introduced to Thomas, he loved him, but then his evil parents took Thomas away and traumatized their little boy for life. Now when he watches Thomas DVDs he gets very upset when they're over and is worried that Thomas is, once again, taken away. I, for one, don't get the attraction. I think Thomas is sort of a prick. He's very competitive, very self-righteous, and prone to depression. He's probably the wrong train to run around with, but for whatever reason, Ben adores Thomas and all of his friends.

The Kentucky Railway Museum decided to capitalize on this little boy fondness and throw a full fledged Thomas event, and my mom and dad, Ben's Gigi and Dude, bought tickets for Ben and those of us lucky enough to watch this little dream come true. The museum had photos with Thomas, a Thomas gift shop, Thomas storytelling and video viewing stations, a chance to meet Sir Topham Hatt, and Thomas tattoos. Then you got to get on Thomas the train and ride through the Kentucky countryside for about 15 minutes before heading back the way you came.The train ride was better than 90 minutes of therapy, but the other stuff sort of brought out the worst in parents and kids. Not Ben's parent or Ben, but all of those other people.

I saw a dad holding his 8-year-old son like you'd hold a 1-year-old while the boy cried like a baby because he didn't get to get his tattoo first. His legs were so long they dangled past the dad's knees and yet he was still acting like a baby. Come on Dad.

And then there were the moms who were soooooo bitchy about getting their kid to take a picture. I want good photos as much as the next person, but yelling at your kid to smile at daddy and then reaching up and scratching debris off his face isn't going to get him to smile. Let the kid be. He's meeting Thomas, for god's sake... He'll smile eventually.

The worst part was when it was time to go all aboard. I don't know why parents use their kids as cattle prods when in large groups, but seriously, Parents, when you are shoving other people to get a good seat/get on the ride faster/get in front, you are teaching your kid how to be an impatient bastard. Please, don't.

While everyone else seemed to struggle with finding their manners, Ben was an absolute angel. Not one meltdown or whining because he wanted something. Not one aggressive act toward the boys who stole the train pieces he was playing with. Not one missed please or thank you. He is a shockingly good boy. And if any of those jerky kids ruin him, I swear...