What happens when you don't pay your bills.

This morningish (we got up around 11) started out like most mornings de winter, with both of us in bed trying to invent reasons we should get out of bed even though it's like 11 degrees out there.

I'm not lazy; it's just cold.

Eventually the responsibilities of social networking got me up and Mack, with no one left to endorse this bad behavior, decided to get on with his day too. I hopped on the computer, he hopped in the shower.

Squeak, bang, creak, squeak, thunk.

"Is the water guy outside?" yells a frantic bathroom voice.

"Wha?" I say as I get up and go to the window to look out. "Yeah."

"Catch him!"

Without thinking, I burst through the front door, down the steps and started yelling after the KAWC truck. "HEY! HEY! HEY! WAIT!!!"

As The Man Who Ruined Today rounded the corner and out of sight, I returned to the moment and realized I'm in public, on a busy street, in semi-transparent blue polka dotted pajama pants, a stretched out grey t-shirt sans bra, and electric pink furry boot slippers that should only be worn by 13 year olds. Aka too sexy.

I went inside to preserve my dignity and explain to Mack that The Man Who Ruined Today got away, and you know that scene in A Christmas Story where the dad's cusses are all mumbles and grrrs? Yeah, that became my life for about 15 minutes.

Since we'd been gone for most of December, the mail had gotten out of control. We went through it when we got home, and I remembered seeing a KAWC bill and putting in on Mack's desk to be paid. There was nothing else from them, just a bill, and it was due Jan. 12. No problem, except that they turn off your water within the month if you don't pay the bill for that month before your next bill is due, a policy that, along with the fact that they don't knock to give you one last chance to pay, qualifies them as Asshole Cuntbag Dickfaces.

I immediately called them to pay the past due bill, the current bill, the $26 Because We Haven't Fucked You Enough Charge and the $1.80 Rape Charge for Paying Over the Phone. With a confirmation number in hand and a promise to have the water back on today in place, the next issue to deal with was Mr. Grumbles.

The Man Who Ruined Today came just after Mack's shower, which was good, but right in the middle of Mack's manscaping, which is oh-so bad. Mack is a hairy gorilla, and because he shaves probably once a month, when he finally does it, it is a project. A project that requires water.

When he opened the door to show me "what I'm dealing with," it was too much. There he stood, his entire torso and face splotchy with shaving cream and newly cut hairs, a mess of man flesh that needed nothing but rinsed.

Unfortunately, our options were scarce. There was a vase that was soaking after I rinsed out a bunch of cigarettes and melted snow left by our mail-getter Scotty and a pot of water that I'd boiled eggs in yesterday.

I passed them into Mack as options and silently affirmed my belief that showers are overrated. I also found my water bottle from yesterday's gym trip and another one that Leigh left here a few days ago (I think), two sources that gave us about 2 cups of clean water. We decided those should be saved for brushing teeth.

Mack closed himself into the bathroom and did his best to solve a problem we haven't had to deal with since the bucket showers of Ghana days. He emerged smelling an extra lot like shaving cream.

"What'd you go for?" I asked him. "The egg water or the cigarette water?"

I can't imagine a more disgusting choice to make. He went for the eggs.