Feels like prison.
I know, I know, cue the world's tiniest violin.
I've been unemployed before, a period called April - August 2009, when I went so crazy from boredom that I talked myself into becoming a nurse. This unemployment stint, an era called May - December 2013, IS KILLING ME.
Last time I was unemployed it came with the joy of unemployment benefits. Every two weeks I got a nod of support from the government that I could use to entertain myself until someone hired me for something. To pass the time, I'd bake or do crafts or buy fitness classes on Groupon. Mack was waiting to start med school, so he was home to make sure I spoke to someone before 6pm.
Well, this run of nothing to do doesn't come with checks or someone at home to talk to, so passing the time entails watching the minutes tick off the clock. Every now and then I'll get a responsibility like calling the landlord to fix the pilot light on the heater or taking the garbage to the curb. Last weekend Mack was going to wash the scooter and I hand-to-god said, "Noooo! Save it for me so I have something to do next week!"
Early on, the beach was all I needed. I could lay there all day and read books and watch dolphins. But the thought of laying around all day for one more day is about to make me snap. I knew this could happen, which is why when we moved here I signed up to volunteer at the local art museum. So far I've gone in to sit around for three hours on four occasions as a volunteer.
If not for visits from Ruble and Shannon in June, my mom in July, my cousin Nate in September, Halloween in October, and Liz this week, I may have given suiciding or alcoholicing a real go. Little things like a baby shower for Jolia and a movie premiere with my cousin Shannon are as big as Christmas in keeping me from losing my mind. We got a second car about a month ago, so now I also have the thrill of grocery shopping and going to the library... but I can't drive too much because checks aren't magically showing up in the mail like they used to and gas is $3.85 a gallon.
You know how people say there's not enough time in the day? Let me tell you, THERE IS SO MUCH TIME IN THE DAY.
Here's my life-ish without money and a job:
9:56am - wake up. check email and facebook. peruse pinterest and instagram. read cnn.com. *if it's wednesday, move the car off the street for the street sweeper. you have to set a weekly alert for this task because you never know what day it is.
10:12am - get out of bed. make coffee. do dishes.
10:23am - open computer. read new news on huffingtonpost.com and google news. check geekologie and neatorama. check facebook.
10:49am - remember clothes in dryer. fluff and fold them. leave them on top of dryer because no matter how bored you are putting clothes away sucks.
11:03am - realize there is nothing left to do. resist the clothes.
11:06am - move the clothes from the top of dryer to the bed.
11:08am - microwave a soysage and have another cup of coffee. delight in pumpkin spice creamer. watch the fat dogs next door dig in the sand. ponder the existence of the people with the rooftop patio who never seem to be home enjoying that $6,000 a month apartment.
11:15am - investigate flowers in window box. there's all kinds of genetics going on in there, which is nuts because a month after planting the original all red and all white flowers they all died. then you dumped coffee grounds in the dirt and they exploded back to life. do not water or touch flowers because mack says the coffee grounds were a pure coincidence and "little miss brown thumb" can no longer be trusted with flowers.
This is a highlight of your day.
11:20am - do 30-day squat challenge. look at 30-day ab challenge schedule hanging next to squat challenge schedule. decide it's not time for ab challenge yet.
11:26am - notice all the hair on the floor. how can there be this much hair on the floor when a) vacuum day was two days ago and b) you still have hair on your head? decide to sweep the kitchen and bathroom, where the hair is really noticeable.
11:31am - uh oh. the bathroom is a mess. LOOKS LIKE EXCITEMENT JUST SHOWED UP. clean tub, toilet and sink. wipe down trashcan. shake out rug. clean hair out of hairbrush. wash mirror. make a mental note to bathe and put on mascara... someday.
11:49am - put on socks. toes have started to freeze.
11:57am - text mack to see how his day is going. receive a message back full of exclamation points and enthusiasm. wonder if he really is that excited at work or if he's being sarcastic. decide he's probably just trying to cheer you up since he senses you may decide to major in alcoholic after this unemployment stint. let him know about your bathroom, laundry, and dishes successes.
12:03pm - start pondering what's for lunch.
12:49pm - make lunch. it's a tofurky sandwich... again! challenge yourself to slice tomatoes realllllllly thin. forget the toast in the oven and cook one side way too much. cut up pineapple since you've already got the cutting board out.
1:17pm - brush teeth. finally.
1:21pm - do the internet tour of entertainment again: facebook, news, instagram, pinterest, free stuff on craigslist. read all links of interest. if something freaks you out, google it to learn more about it.
2:03pm - ask yourself if it's too early for a beer. decide it is because you have to go to jiu jitsu. also you don't want to be an alcoholic because it's gross.
2:06pm - turn on television. clearly you can't be left alone with your thoughts. check mtv, bravo, amc, and settle on cbs for the noise of talk shows and judge shows. *if you have access to a complete series, start watching it instead of cbs. proceed to 5:09pm.
2:14pm - start playing spider solitaire on ipad.
2:44pm - eat something. it's usually some combination of fat and carbs, which is exactly what someone sitting around all day should not be eating. commence self-loathing but reframe thinking to give yourself kudos because hey, it's not beer.
3:07pm - text mack a reminder about how many hours he has left to work / how many hours until you speak to a person. say something to make sure your voice doesn't sound manly. it does. dammit.
3:09pm - internet tour of entertainment. turn on news shows. change the channel to real housewives or other mindless chatter when skin crawls from newspeople freakouts.
3:14pm - look at photo albums to remind yourself that you do have fun/a life/loved ones. notice all the dust that has accumulated since dust day. BRACE YOURSELF FOR MORE EXCITEMENT. dust.
3:26pm - go outside. remember you look gross. go back inside after picking up trash the blew into the bushes. lay on the couch and tell yourself to take a nap. play spider solitaire.
4:00pm - MAURY'S ON. Watch humans with no coping skills get DNA results. Watch a lot of commercials for life insurance and legal help.
5:02pm - mack calls. you can't hear him because he's walking and it's windy. the conversation goes like this: "is it the windy time of day?" "yep!" "awesome. i'll see you in a few minutes." you waited all day to speak and that's what comes out of your mouth.
5:09pm - get off couch. pack jiu jitsu gi into duffle bag. change from yoga pants and t-shirt to compression shorts and rash guard. check to see if legs need shaved or if you can go another day without embarrassing yourself. you're good.
5:17pm - do dishes from lunch. open blinds in living room. arrange pillows on couch so it looks less like a bed. put on mascara and redo ponytail. basically, mask the fact that you wasted yet another day of your 30s.
5:32pm - mack is home. ask about his day. laugh at his stories.
6:01pm - leave for jiu jitsu.
8:49pm - get home from jiu jitsu. make dinner. sit on the floor and watch yesterday's daily show and colbert report with mack while he lays on the couch and hurts from training.
9:55pm - talk mack into staying up 30 more minutes.
10:17pm - go to bed. lay in the dark playing spider solitaire and scrabble and doing the internet tour of entertainment. listen to him snore.
12:37am - fall asleep.
I know that account of my day is absolutely boring to read. Now you feel my pain. If you need a beer, I totally understand.
2 comments:
What about your nursing job? Did something happen with that? If I had the time/money to come out there I most definitely would!
I found out my start date this week: Dec. 2. And I sing in my head "Hold on for one more dayyyy..."
You come see me anytime, Laurie.
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