Lame Excuses and a Peace Offering

Here's the deal. I have a lot of posts to put up. But since we moved, our internet went up and then went down. So I'm sans net except when I'm at work. Which means you are sans blog. But, since you deserve some goodness, check out Shannon's sweet baby renee blog. Be warned, you will fall in love.

Drawing Blanks

I feel like blogging but I have no idea what to blog about. So, I present random thoughts.

We're looking for a new place to live. Not that we haven't enjoyed threats from the neighbors about our dog's barking and a field of dirt for a backyard during our time at our little Mexican Jail in the Alley, but, it's time to move on, and move closer to the beach.

We've found a place we both really like, still in Santa Monica, but on 4th Street, which, if you can count, makes you four blocks from the beach. We're meeting with the landlady on Thursday to present ourselves as respectable people with good credit, and after that, hopefully, we'll start packing boxes. It's a one bedroom with hardwood floors, blah blah blah on the inside, but it comes with a sliding patio door that opens onto a little patio and a decent yard WITH GRASS. I have missed having an outside living space and natural lighting so much. Sometimes it gets hotter in the house than outside during the day, and we can't hang outside because, well, we have no place to hang. The alley smells like garbage and the backyard makes you feel like you're in a desert. Another perk of the new place is that it's on a hill, so if you walk out to the street and look West, you can actually see the big Pacific Ocean right there. And that's pretty cool.

Work is going good, ridiculously busy with irrational demands, but good. I actually just did a shoot in New York City, which was a blast. I love that city. It was a literal pain getting around on the subway with all of our production gear, but I just counted it as exercise. I wish we had a subway (one that wasn't a joke) here because I would totally take it everywhere. It's so fast and efficient, and it forces you to interact with people, which seems to make you a little nicer. I gotta say though, at some parts when you're two levels below the ground in the ultra humid parts that only smell like electric train track, if you let that "What if" train of thought take hold, it can make you realize claustrophobia you never knew you had.

Let's see, what else? We recently got a membership at the Co-opportunity, which is a healthy food store that is actually cheaper than the grocery store. In New York, we interviewed a really cool woman who runs an amazing vegan restaurant called Candle 79, and her food was so delicious and beautiful -- and some of it so meatlike -- that I bought her cookbook (totally endorsed by me, but some of the recipes you gotta do once and then figure out what you'd do differently next time to make the better suited to you) and made four recipes in three days after I got home. Some of the stuff she's mastered include seitan, which is wheat gluten that I swear is just like meat; tofu, which has so many textures it's great for everything from making creamy desserts to making barbecue patties; and tempeh, which she says is the hardest to learn how to make but is ultra versatile. I made a smokey tempeh potato salad (vegan) from my friend Jordan's website VeganRobot, and it tasted just like potato salad with bacon in it. I feel like there's so much food I never knew about before becoming a vegetarian, and the wierdest thing about it is that when you eat vegan or vegetarian meals, and I mean eat as in pig out on seven dishes like we did at Candle 79, you actually leave the table with energy. Most of the times when I pig out I immediately need a nap, but with this kind of food, you pig out and have a spring in your step as you walk away from the table.

Speaking of foods I never knew about, and how clever these little vegans have become, I discovered something called Cactus Jerky at the Co-op the last time we went. It's a little weird at first, cactus being turned into jerky, but it's actually pretty good, maybe even better than most of the beff jerky I've had (not Dave's though, his is the best). It's got the right texture, it sticks to your teeth the right amount, it's the right amount of salty and sweet. It looks a little like dried kelp, but it's the same color as beef jerky, so it's pretty convincing.

What else??? Oh, I'm studying for the GRE. Don't know what I might go to grad school for, maybe creative writing, maybe journalism, maybe something totally unrelated to anything I've ever done. Studying has been interesting. I'm relearning geometry and arithmetic and theorems and properties. I haven't made it into the verbal part or the logic part yet, but I'm not too worried about verbal and I'm desperately worried about logic. Logic is hard. It makes no sense to me, and it makes perfect sense to Mack, and I get frustrated that it's so easy for him and then I want to stab him in his glowingly brilliant brain with my number two pencil but I can't because I love him and being a widow would be just depressing. So I study, and I will hopefully be taking this thing before the end of the year.

Today is Mack's Dad's birthday, so we are going out to lunch with the Thomases, and it is also the 4th of July, so this afternoon we are going to a cookout at a friend of a friend's house. Hopefully there will be fireworks. I love fireworks.

Climbing out from under the Sony Bravia Guitar Hero II Rock

Mack and I rang in ONE whole year of marriage last Saturday (at least we think we were married on June 22... it was vacation and we lost track of days). To celebrate our love, we decided to indulge in guilty pleasures. What could a television addict and a video game addict get to make their lives happily ever after?

Don't let your teeny little computer screen deceive you, that television is actually 42 inches big. And our time spent playing Guitar Hero II has, no kidding, left us hallucinating. Some people have kids to keep the love alive. Mack and I bring electronics the size of eight year olds into our living room. I'm off to play a gig in Detroit...

Dulywed: What's Beneath All Those Vows (a series)

Kitty: Meerrooowwwaaahhh.

Him: We're all hungry Kitty. Shut up and bear it.

Kitty: Hrumph

Everything I Know about Life...

Forever ago, when I lived at Bob-O-Link, Amy and Dave started a list of "I learneds" on a white board we had. Although, now that I think about it, it might have happened at Nancy Hanks, that pit of despair that Dave and Amy called home before I rescued them and made them be my roommates. Anyway, Leiah sent this email of Maya Angelou quotes this morning, and it reminded me of the list that Amy and Dave came up with. They actually had their own list of learnings, some of which were more beautiful than anything here.

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."

"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."

"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."

"I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'"

"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."

"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."

"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."

"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."

"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

What have you learned?

So Homesick I Could Puke

My mom is in England with my sister, my niece, my brother-in-law and now my dad. I saw Betsy, Leiah and Ben two weeks ago while I was in Cinci for work. And now I've come down with a serious case of the homesick that can only be cured with a good cry and some good Bourbon.

I normally do pretty good with the homesicks, thanks to Skype and free long distance on my cell phone, but for some reason, new babies and people not being on your same continent makes it a lot harder than normal. Basically that dull ache that sits in my chest all the time has morphed into something altogether unbearable. It feels sort of like my heart has twisted 360 degrees and now resembles an abused dish rag. I can't even describe the lump in my throat, but it's so bad I'd stop breathing if I could control it.

Being the one that goes away is so much better than being the one left behind. Where's the Woodford?

Reason I Need to Barf #1

Reason I Need to Barf #2

Dulywed: What's Beneath All Those Vows (a series)

Miss Kitty, his cat, seems to think she's married to him and I'm some imposter whose sole purpose is feeding him and taking care of things so he and she can lounge on the couch like nature intended. So, when for some unknown reason she was affectionate towards me this evening, I asked...

"Are you going to cry when Kitty dies?"

"I will shed one tear," he said. "And then I will make her into a hat."

ACS Forever Immortalized at the Daily Pint

When I first met Golden Tee, one Tuesday night in Lexington at Rosebud while waiting for Kristin to show up, I immediately fell for it. I don't know if it was the spinny ball or the changing weather or the fact that I could enjoy golf without my boobs getting in the way, but something pushed this little arcade game to the top of my list.

On Thursday, during an impromptu happy hour, I got to play a game of Golden Tee. And I got a hole in one on the second hole. And then my hole in one was featured in the best shots ever montage that plays between games. And there it was, ACS, the only girl to ever hit a hole in one after two pints of Smithwick's and while playing against three boys. I have gone down in history.

29 Years in the Making

As my birthday week (and month) draws to a close, here is what I got this year.

A card and phone call from Ruble.
A card and email from Kristin.
A card and text message from Jennifer.
A card from Grandma Laura.
A pair of earrings fixed by Joe.
A cookie from Taraneh.
A card from Gio, who has the same birthday as I do and who turned 25 this year.
A bunch of tulips and half of a cake from Whitney.
A pair of adorables for my feet from Leigh.
A hundred dollars from my mom and dad.
A Microsoft Paint drawing of a chocolate cake from my dad.
A Moosewood Cookbook from Shannon & Charles.
A phone message from my dad Scott, my BFF&E Heather and my dear Elijah.
A pot of fresh coffee from Jordan.
A dinner at Urth from Malissa.
A birthday hymn in English from Leiah, my mom and my dad and in Farsi from Shahin.
A My Little Pony doll and an American Idol iPod toy from McDonald's from Laila (but I had to "give the box back").
A hot air balloon ride over wine country from the Thomases.
A sleek, shiny new silver iPod nano with the Nike athletic attachment from Mack (who obviously thinks the secret to a long life is exercise and not a gin martini after a hard day's work).
A reminder that being 29 is so worth it because of all the wonderful people I've collected over the years.

Thanks to everybody who made it special and supports my month long narcissism. I love you. And me.

What's in a Name?

Mack seriously has a guy in his physics class whose name is Phuuc Huu.

And that, my friends, is why I love cultural diversity.

It's Official! She's Renee Ellis Hensley!

After being Samatha, Lillian, Baby, She and Her, Shannon and Charles' sweet baby girl is now Renee. She is already showing her parents who's boss, but that's what I expected of Shan's baby. Here's the latest on my sweet niece.

Put this in your mouth.

When I get together with the people I love the most, we chop. It's just what we do.

We end up perched in front of a cutting board with a knife in hand and an island full of vegetables, and we chop our way through conversation after conversation. If we were in the Amazon, we'd be doing the same thing, but we'd be topless and have kids hanging in sacks dangling from our necks. This is how we are women; it's in our DNA to use cooking as a reason to get together and talk.

On my last trip home, we assumed the position and set out to make some of the tastiest things I've ever put in my mouth. In honor of summer, of cookouts, of pot lucks and of women, here are some suggestions for you to make with and share with the people you love.

TEXAS CAVIAR

(this one is fun to wing it... add or subtract whatever you want and it'll win friends)

2 16oz. cans black-eyed peas, drained and rinsed

1 16oz. can white hominy (my mom leaves this out)
1 small jar chopped pimentos, juice included
1 bunch scallions, thinly sliced, green part only
1 tbsp. fresh oregano
1 tbsp. tabasco sauce
1 tbsp. worchestershire sauce
1 tsp. black pepper
1/2 bunch parsley, chopped
3 canned or fresh jalapeno chiles, chopped (wear gloves or something when you chop these, and DO NOT rub your eye while you're chopping)
1 tomato
2 c. Italian dressing
1 green pepper, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced

Put it all in a bowl and stir it up. Serve it with tortilla chips or as a yummy salad.

GUACOMOLE

(because spelling errors on recipe cards automatically mean they're good and because guacamole is so good everyone deserves the secret on how to make it)

2 jalapenos or 2 tbsp. canned, chopped green chiles
2 large ripe avocados, mashed
2 medium tomatoes, finely chopped
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
2 tbsp. finely chopped cilantro
2 tbsp. lime or lemon juice (if you microwave them for 30 seconds you get a lot more juice out of them)
1/2 tbsp. salt
dash of pepper

Put it all in a bowl and stir it up. Serve it with tortilla chips or on turkey sandwiches or as part of a tomato sandwich or anywhere you can find to put it.

HILL COUNTRY SALSA

(this one is so good I recommend making it a fixture in your refrigerator)

1 15oz. can of black beans
1 11oz. can of corn
4 large tomatoes, chopped (my mom uses cherry tomatoes)
1 large avocado, peeled and chopped
1 large green pepper, chopped
1 bunch green onions, chopped
1/4 c. fresh lime juice (use the microwave trick)
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1 large jalapeno, chopped
1/3 c. chopped cilantro
2 tsp. ground cumin
1 tsp. salt
2 tbsp. olive oil

Put it all in a bowl and stir it up. Serve with tortilla chips or as a side on taco night.

The Endorsement Series (Part 7 in a Series)

I don't drink pop because it makes you fat, and I don't drink diet pop because the sweetener in it gives me a headache that isn't worth all the fizz in the world.

But, thanks to Mack and Ralph's and the price of LaCroix sparkling water, I now drink Diet Hansen's Creamy Root Beer. Let's go to the can for more information.

At its top rim, you discover that Diet Hansen's Creamy Root Beer has no carbs and is aspartame free. You slide down its side and see that it contains no fruit juice, no calories, no fat, no sodium, no sugars, and no protein. Rotate the can counter clockwise to reveal a donation match of up to $1,000 to the City of Hope for Breast Cancer Research by this little-known soda company. Ask what Coca-Cola or Pepsi have done for breast cancer research lately. Lower your eyes to the bottom of the can, where you will find there are no preservatives and no caffeine in this delicious drink. Admire the red tab on the top, savor the familiar root beer scent, guzzle down gulps that taste like baseball games in July.

This really is the nectar of the gods.

Dulywed: What's Beneath All Those Vows (a series)

Me: "I've got to go work out because I saw a picture of myself and I'm getting fat again. Why couldn't I get that skinny Paris Hilton gene?"

Him: "You got the pretty gene. And the awesome gene."

Another Amazing Birthday Gift

Shannon and Charles really wanted to make up for getting me Weird Al Yankovic's latest CD as a Christmas present, so this year for my birthday, they got me a precious little niece.
Sweet Baby Hensley (the girls get Shan's name, the boy's get Charles', and they're still deciding on a first name) finally got here today, May 10, about 20 minutes ago. I just got the call, so I have no idea what she weighs or how she looks, but I do know that Shannon has earned all the Mother's Day cards they have on the shelves (she had a natural child birth).

This is shaping up to be the best birthday ever, for me and now for my niece! I love another Taurus!!! I'm so glad we have another girl.

Congratulations Shannon and Charles and Niece. You are going to be such an amazing, sweet, beautiful, smart, talented and special family. I am so blessed to be related.

Birthday Celebration off to a Good Start

As anyone who knows me knows, my birthday is 8 days away. Please send presents to 1245 1/2 24th St., Santa Monica, CA, 90404. Thank you.

As anyone who knows me knows, my birthday celebration starts one week before and ends one week after my actual birthday and I'm trying to extend that so that my birthday celebration starts on May 1 and ends on May 31. So, to make the transition to 29 (pause with me to realize that I am 29, holy hell how did that happen so damn fast) a little easier, I did what any responsible 29 year old would do. I bought a new car.
I haven't actually signed papers for a new car since I was 18. I leased a brand new 1996 Toyota Celica straight out of high school and that was the last time I signed any papers at a dealership. My next car was a Jeep Wrangler (I think), which I signed loan papers for at the bank, and then I had a Mitsubishi Outlander, which my bosses signed lease papers for, and then I had a Toyota Celica that my mom let me use, and then I had a Toyota Avalon that my mom let me use, and then I had a $600 Mazda Protege that I paid cash for at auction, and then I had a Ford F150 that was actually Mack's. Turns out that F150 was costing us somewhere in the neighborhood of $400 a month IN GAS, so even though it was paid for, it was bleeding us dry. So, what do you do when it's your birthday and gas is too expensive? Well, you buy a new car.

It's not a new, new car since those lose 20% of their value the moment they leave the lot, but it is a new enough new car. It's a 2006 Volkswagen Golf hatchback. It's got 4 doors, power windows and locks, a CD player and good visibility out the windows. It's a little bit lesbian, but for some reason most of my cars end up being a little bit to a lot lesbian eventually anyway.

The best part of the new car, aside from the fact that it's the biggest birthday present I've ever given myself and then immediately shared with someone else (that's going to come back to me two-fold!), is that it gets 27 miles per gallon. If you'd have asked me about gas mileage when I was buying that Toyota Celica 11 years ago, I would have rolled my eyes and asked if it had a CD player and a sunroof. Now, gas mileage was a selling point. What's that they say about older and wiser?

Veggie Tales (Part 1 in a Series about Being a Vegetarian)

I love taco night. I've always loved taco night. When I was a kid, I would get up off the floor (for whatever reason I liked to lay on the kitchen floor with my silky for recreation) while my mom was cooking dinner if it was taco night... because I could cook the meat. I could shave the browning parts off the frozen clump of ground beef like a regular sous chef. On special occasions, my mom would even put out sliced black olives for taco night. Dinner was ready, tomatoes were involved, life was good. And then I became a vegetarian, which is a delightful little green land where animals tap dance in your presence and vegetables paint your plate and taco night isn't the same.

Unless you discover Yves® The Good Ground Taco Version (that is not it's real name, I improvised the Taco Version part because I don't know the real name, but I trust that if you find the Yves® stuff you'll discover the taco version line). In which case, taco night is better than ever.

I don't particularly like the gristle of ground beef, but I do have a soft spot in my heart for the texture of it. That's why Yves® is so great. It's all crumbly like taco meat is supposed to be, and it perfectly replicates that great envelope-seasoning-mixed-with-water stickiness that taco meat is known for.

As if perfectly mirroring meat weren't enough of a reason to try it out, each of the 12 servings in the package has 0 points if accounted for individually. Even though I usually eat 4-6 of the servings, I tell myself it's all 0 points. And that is why I will never lose weight on Weight Watchers.

The Yves® fiber and protein rich crumbles make taco night everything it's supposed to be. Bring out the black olives!

(*FYI, you'd think the Ortega taco shells would be better for you than the Taco Bell ones, but it turns out that the Ortega ones actually have hydrogenated oils while the Taco Bell ones don't. Yves® is also clear of the hyrogenates. Can we say wonder food?)

My Feathered Friends

I've never liked birds (unless they are of the variety that can talk or do tricks). Without fail, I'm the one who will get pooped on in a crowd of people. I'm the one who will spend extra time fixing my hair only to have a bird relieve itself as soon as I step out the door. Basically, I don't like birds because they have chronic diarrhea and hollow bones, which are two telltale signs of things that can't be trusted.

But, after visiting a couple of friends here in LA and seeing their little birdfeeder being frequented by gracious, cute little finches, I developed an unusual soft spot for birds. Since my backyard is in a constant state of construction and we've therefore got a depressing view outside our kitchen window, I decided I'd try to bring the birds in to liven the place up. I bought my birdfeeder, filled it up and waited the whole weekend. No one showed up.

Feeling my optimism waning and my dislike for birds returning, I walked into the kitchen Monday morning to a breakfast party of about six finches. They were vying for space on the feeder and lining up on the plants I put around it to make it feel more natural... as natural as a hanging trough next to a house wall can feel. It was pretty awesome.
They eat about a feeder of food every two days, and when I don't refill it, they ignore me for a day or two, but I've definitely made some feathered friends. My favorite is one we call "Mutant Eye," a little tan finch with a huge bulge on his left eye. I can't tell if he has an eye because he moves so quick, but his defect has certainly made him endearing. We've also got red heads and orange heads and spotty ones. There have also been a couple of doves strutting around and a hummingbird that zips by these orange flowers in the back yard. It's no nature sanctuary by any means, but it's better than dirt mounds and rebar wires.

Adventures in Joshua Tree

A few weeks ago, Mack and I trekked to Joshua Tree National Forest with some friends to camp out and do some hiking. We'd heard really nothing about the park or its namesake trees, so when we got to the actual park, I wasn't exactly sure if what I was seeing was a Joshua Tree. For anyone else who may have been in that same boat of pretending to know, this is a Joshua Tree.
Fortunately, Mack has a habit of reading all those informational signs whenever we go exploring, so when I have questions, he usually has the answers. So, why are they called Joshua Trees?

"While the Mormons were crossing the desert the tree reminded them of a story where Joshua holds up his hands to the sky. Apparently they felt these trees were a symbol that they were going the right way, which is why they landed in Utah. Did you know that Chinese women have sideways clitorises?"

Fascinating. The Joshua Tree National Park contains the Joshua Tree forest, which I never took the time to conceptualize. I've spent most of my forest time amidst pine trees or Kentucky-traditional forests of oaks and maples and everything else in the Red River Gorge. I've always thought of forest not just as trees but also as canopy and muddy leaves on the ground. The Joshua Tree forest has just as many trees as a regular forest, but since the trees "only grow up to 10 cm a year" there is no canopy. And since the trees are so tiny, the ground cover has nothing to do with them. Instead, prickly, deadlooking bushes decorate the desert forest floor. Perspective definitely changes in this forest.
Our jaunt through the park gave us an awesome view of the most tempting rocks ever -- the type of rocks that you just want to jump onto and climb around like you were a kid, the type that crush the voices inside your head saying, "You could slip and fall," "That's too high," "Watch your footing!" These rocks are rounded and deliberate, with traction naturally adorning every surface. They're perfect for butt climbing, which basically means scooting along like a sissy on your rear end so you don't lose your balance. I happen to be a professional butt climber.
We made our way through the park looking for a campsite, but since we didn't make a reservation and since we were getting there in the afternoon, we couldn't find a single place to camp. The good thing about not finding a campsite was that we drove through the whole park and were able to check out all it had to offer. The bad part was that we had to head to overflow camping, which is usually sans campfire and near the interstate. At the last campsite inside the park's boundaries, we girls used the Secret while the boys used the opposite of the secret, and we ended up scoring the last possible campsite in the whole entire park. Out came the Tecate to celebrate.

We set up our tents and decided to wander around the surrounding desert. Mack harvested some Jojaba nuts, sampled the strength of Yucca rope and shared his findings with those of us too lazy to read the informational plaques. "The desert was a supermarket for Indians because of all the things it has in it. Did you hear that Genovive, the hippie designer on Trading Spaces, died of breast cancer?" I secretly gave thanks for supermarkets, because if I had to spend the day hiking through a desert for a few bitter nuts and some prickly grapes to make soup, I would be a very tired, whiny Indian.

Jordan & Jolia in the aisles of the supermarket

We walked to Cottonwood Spring, which is a really real oasis in the middle of the desert. I'd always thought of an oasis as something in the Road Runner cartoons where it's really hot and you see the mirage of a pond with three palm trees next to it and you hurry to it and alas, it's nothing. Turns out, an oasis is three palm trees next to a little pond in the middle of the desert. It really exists. Who knew?
On the way back from our hike, I saw my first official moon rise. I'd seen the moon in the sky during the day before, but I'd never seen it actually come up on the horizon. For it to be day with the sun still up and to have a big full moon coming up over the rocks and the desert was surreal.
The day before we went hiking there was a major fire in the Hollywood Hills, and the smoke ended up following us to Joshua Tree. It made for a really amazing sky at sunset, which made up for the full moon robbing us of the stars you typically see at night in the desert.
After cooking vegan hotdogs and corn on the cob over the fire and going to sleep in a haze of Tecate, we woke up the next morning to do some more rock climbing and to explore the chollo cactuses we'd driven past on our expedition to find a campsite. The chollo cactuses seemed to sprout up unexpectedly in one little patch of desert. We walked along the established path and leaned in close to take photos of their spikey little berries.
Jolia posed for a picture at one point, but she leaned in a bit too close. The chollo cactus is called the "teddy bear cactus." If you get just close enough to it, it's baseball-sized spheres of spikes will jump into your skin and latch on for dear life. Jolia caught one on the elbow, and since it was funny at first, Jordan started to take photos of it. When we tried to pull it out with a handkerchief and that wasn't working, and then we tried to pull it out with a canvas bag and that wasn't working, we knew we had problems.

Why won't this cactus come out, Mack? "Well, each spike has a microscopic hook at its end that digs into the flesh, making it extremely difficult and painful to remove. Have you heard of this new disease called zombitis where people have very violent post-death outbursts and lash out for a few seconds after they die?" Jolia summoned her inner man and we muscled the wad of pain and difficulty out of her elbow with an oven mit. She still had about 10 stubborn spikes setting up permanent residence, so she summoned her inner superhero and started yanking them out ON HER OWN.
The desert was pretty humbling, but seeing Jolia wrestle it, that was inspiring.

Our last stop in the park was called Key's View or Key Outlook or something like that. I don't know but I'm sure Mack read the sign. It was amazing. All these valleys collided beneath the desert and made for a panorama worth the drive, the gas money, the cactus sacrifice and the sleeping on the ground.

Itineraries

Monday, April 9
Depart Los Angeles for Cincinnati at 11 am
Arrive in Cincinnati at 8 pm
Fall victim to PST / EST time shift and stay up until 3 am hoping the Sopranos comes on hotel-provided HBO

Tuesday, April 10
Meet with people more important and concerned with business than I am and pretend that I belong in the room
Drink coffee all day long to account for the time shift
Perfect delivery of the presentation that I came here to do because I've done it twice an hour for four hours
Wait for eyelids to revolt against me and my self-induced sleeplessness
Overcome tongue's refusal to enunciate

Wednesday, April 11
Meet with people more important and concerned with business than I am and pretend that I belong in the room
Drink coffee all day long to account for the time shift
Perfect delivery of the presentation that I came here to do because it's basically the only thing I've said for two days in a row
Wait for eyelids to revolt against me and my self-induced sleeplessness
Overcome tongue's refusal to enunciate
Hit hotel bar to kill time and the serious facade I've been holding up all day long
Open hotel door to see five of the seven most important people in the world
Win back the love of nephew and cultivate the love of other important people
Eat birthday cake
Keep the lump squarely in place in throat as the last of the lovelies drives away from valet

Thursday, April 12
Meet with people more important and concerned with business than I am and pretend that I belong in the room
Drink coffee all day long to account for the time shift
Perfect delivery of the presentation that I came here to do because I've said it so many times it will probably make up 90 percent of my last words on this planet
Don't worry about eyelids because I could do this presentation in a coma
When tongue actually stops working and I spew word vomit, talk right through it and relish at how the other people in the room didn't even notice
Go to Cincinnati airport at 3:50 to catch 4:50 flight to Los Angeles
Contain frustration when flight is delayed three hours by having a dirrrty martini

Friday, April 13 - Monday, April 16
Regular, grateful days without an airport or a hotel involved
Buy a new couch so favorite past time of laying on couch with Mr. T can resume
Groan about airports and hotels that are upcoming

Tuesday, April 17
Depart Los Angeles at 7 am and arrive in San Francisco at 8:30 am
Begin whirlwind interviews with women for work
Learn more than I ever needed to know about tantra and how cults are formed so easily in San Francisco
Eat affordable sushi with pitchers of Sapporo and some of the coolest people in California
Fall in love with San Fran and ask myself repeatedly, why did we ever move to Los Angeles when this was here all along?

Wednesday, April 18
Continue whirlwind interviews with women for work
Manage to exist despite impending exhaustion
Pray I don't get sick
Admire the Golden Gate Bridge
Drink Fat Tire at a corner sports bar
Sleep like a baby

Thursday, April 19
Finish whirlwind interviews with women for work
Head to airport for 8:50 pm flight
Groan when flight is delayed until 10:16 pm
Pray the San Fran fog opens enough for me to escape
Arrive in Los Angeles at 11:45 pm
Meet Mack at the curb at LAX and realize I'm starting to forget what he looks like
Sleep next to my favorite warm body for six hours

Friday, April 20
Return to LAX at 9 am for 10:50 am flight to Louisville
Watch Babel without subtitles and the Devil Wears Prada until laptop battery dies
Recharge battery to 40 percent at layover in Denver
Keep excitement of seeing family contained
Arrive in Louisville at 7:40
See my lovelies and finally find peace amidst the chaos of life