THINGS I LEARNED AT THE CREATION MUSEUM

1. There is an entire race of people who still wear bonnets. They are cute and seem very young. And they make me want homemade butter.

2. Adam is responsible for all the evil in the world, not Eve, like I thought. So it should be called Adamil, not Evil.

3. When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, they were totally comfortable being naked, but Eve's boobs were conveniently always covered up by her long, billowy hair.

4. As for their privates, those were conveniently always covered by lush gardens. Unless they were in water, in which case Adam and Eve didn't have legs or privates.

5. Before Adam's big screw up, kids played with dinosaurs like they play with dogs today. Even though the dinosaurs had big teeth suited for eating kids, they only used those big teeth to eat grass. It seems they were considered "cuddly."

6. It's not funny when men with scraggly beards whisper, "It's gonna gitcha," in your ear when you're staring at an automated dinosaur. Not. Funny.

7. God loves variety. Variety that billions of years of changing topography and atmosphere couldn't accomplish, but variety that six days of hard work and one day of rest could.

8. Humans use reason. God uses words. That makes sense.

9. Satan assumed the form of a snake that went on to get a lead role in "Snakes on a Plane." Maybe you've heard of the species "pretend," which boasts horns where its ears would go if it had ears.

10. If you're scared, either of the Devil or of Jesus coming back, a lot of locks will keep you safe.

11. After Adam ruined the world, poison went into poison arrow frogs (before that they didn't have poison in them), dinosaurs started using their teeth to eat flesh, and weeds started to grow, which basically turned everything to crap.

12. When the Modern World abandoned the Bible there was a horrible outbreak of... graffiti artists!

13. Adam and Eve had to skin animals and leave them on a rock to get a loving God to forgive them for eating that fruit when they were first going out.

14. You don't learn this kind of stuff in school. Probably because it's not part of God's plan.

15. A huge boat held two of each animal on the earth, even though there was already venom in the animals and dinosaurs had become aggressive. All the animals were very orderly and lined up in twos to board. They were also very happy in their little cubbies before, during and a little after the flood. The captain of the boat, Noah, was sometimes white and sometimes Indian, which goes back to that point about God liking variety.

16. All the extra animals that didn't go on the boat, including people, were buried in a layer of mud when the flood came. That's how we got fossils.

17. Thou shalt not... touch!

Rain?! In Los Angeles?!!

Apparently, it does happen. While the sun shines. And for barely long enough for me to get my camera and take a picture of this unusual atmospheric phenomenon. Before it dries.

My Old Kentucky Home

I just got home from 9 days of lovelies bliss. I spent time with so many people I love I ended up feeling more homesick than I felt before my vacation. It went by way too fast, but here are a few snippets of the whirlwind love tornado express.

Here's the main reason I went home.
Ben was turning ONE YEAR OLD, and since he's so cute they should turn him into candy and sprinkle him on cupcakes, his Auntie Am and Uncle Mack had to go 2000 miles to watch him hit this milestone.

Since little BAM BAM usually comes attached to one of my other lovelies, I also got to see them. And they are so cute they should be turned into red glittery paper and made into Valentines.It just so happened that Jen was also leading a Light the Night team for a walk to raise money for leukemia/lymphoma research while I was home. I only got to spend time near her while we wandered through the streets of downtown Lexington, and mostly I spent that time admiring her from afar. I'm glad I got to be there to support her, and I'm even more glad that I didn't have to wear an "In Memory" shirt with her name on it thanks to all the money raised for research. Donate here.

We went to Rincon to drink margaritas, and Mack and Ben had one too many... laughs! They were cracking each other up. Ben loved pointing at Mack's teeth and then cracking up like I've never heard him crack up. I feel like a hero when I get him to smile by stealing his binkie (a joke I learned from his mom), so I was floored (and impressed) that Mack was able to get him to cackle.


We also got to see lovelies Ruble & Steve and Beth, who I haven't seen in almost a year. The food sucked, but the company was the best helping of good times I've had in a long time. Delicious people with delicious faces and delicious personalities make up for bad fajitas any day. And, then, it was our last day... the big event day... Ben's birthday. He was so good. He had a little nap before his UK party got started, which is good because the UK vs. U of L game that was on after his party was exhausting (for you losers who missed the game, the final two minutes were some of the best in UK football ever... like the LSU game a few years ago only without the devastating ending). He got lots of presents, including a great laptop from his AA and UM and an interesting insect book from his Dude. I also like the "I listen to Led Zeppelin with my Dad" t-shirt and his Dude socks that he got. He's a lucky little boy. And I'm a lucky little aunt/daughter/friend/sister.

Warming the House

Because they are the best, most generous parents in the world, my mom and dad hooked us up with a housewarming gift of our choice. Since we recently upgraded our television to ridiculous proportions and moved to a place that actually allowed for a coffee table, we were left sans tv stand until they came to our rescue. Because they are awesome. Here's a little Before & After since you are obviously DYING for a visual manifestation of how parents make life better.
BEFORE, when it seemed like a fine idea for the DVR to dangle dangerously on the edge
AFTER, when we have actual spare space for more crap

Bad Things Happen in Threes

1. Venus starts peeing blood because I happened to have an as yet unallocated $300, which won't even begin to actually treat her.

2. Mack dislocates his foot during judo practice because there's no time like a couple weeks before vacation to get on crutches.

3. Communication breakdown with wedding coordinator creates question as to time of wedding and a bit of panic.

Today I wanted to punch life in the face.

Wedding Bellz

I knew Will was a catch for Kristin long before Mack discovered them making out in the backyard four years ago. I had the sense that he was just a downright good guy, an easy going, smooth smoothy the first time I met him, but my gut feelings were confirmed during one ski trip when members of Hot Tub Talk voted him Best Boyfriend. I think it's only fair that Will is Best Boyfriend since Kristin is easily Sweetest, Funnest, Prettiest, Most Entertaining Girlfriend Ever.

Well, this weekend one of my favorite duos became the Slatontons. And this will go down in my elephantine memory as one of the best weddings ever. Everything from the little fans for the ladies to the food was courtesy of Kristin's admirable attention to detail. And apparently I like to dance a lot more than I ever thought I did, making sandwiches out of everyone from Julio to my toddler lover Conner. I usually hate to dance, so if a wedding gets me out there to cut a rug for more than one song, things are going better than anyone expected. At this wedding I was out there the ENTIRE NIGHT, spinning Sarah in circles, grabbing Ryan's necktie and even starting a train! I don't start trains. I don't even really know how to start trains.

I can't detail it as well as the photos, so here we go.
























I had a blast with everyone I spent time with, especially Sarah, Ruble, Steve, Jen, Mike and even Kristin. Most importantly, I had a great time meeting Will's family, seeing one of my best friends start down the path to happily ever after, and finally, after almost a decade, meeting Granny Stapleton.

Movers & Shakers

We moved a few weeks ago, and because we're so busy (read: lazy) and important (read: willing to balk on chores if slighty tempted by any degree of social interaction), we're still not completely settled. Like we have this whole second bedroom with no idea what to do with it. And the walls are white like a hospital. But I know how much Jennifer is dying to know about where we live (probably not really), and I did happen to take video of the place when I first looked at it so I could show it to Mack since he wasn't with me, so here it is... our latest home.

What It Means to Worship

The adoration that Kitty has for Mack is reaching new, ever ridiculous levels lately. I used to think the saying, "Cats were once worshipped and they haven't forgotten it," epitomized the way they act, but Ms. Kitty is trying to convince me otherwise. She worships Mack and goes to great lengths to be close to him... great, often uncomfortable and shamefully cute lengths.

WWF-LA

Hello, my name is Amber, and for some reason when I've had too much to drink, I like to wrestle. Arm wrestle, leg wrestle, full on floor wrestle. Since we've been in LA it's been mostly contained because I didn't know anyone well enough to hit or wrestle them. That's officially changed.

A few months ago some friends from work and I went out to grab a pint at the Irish pub, and after celebrating happy hour priced Guiness, a full-on arm wrestling match broke out. I was undefeated against the girls, but to be fair, they're all about 5'2" and 115 pounds. Mack went undefeated against the boys, even causing an unexplainable shoulder ache in my friend Joe. That means we were the official power couple... physically speaking.

I wrote that off as an isolated incident and assumed that since I was undefeated against my friends that my liquid love of wrasslin' could be contained. Then Gio and Whitney had a party a couple months later, which meant girls I hadn't met before and an endless supply of decorative tequila. Which meant incident number two involving arm wrestling. I left that party still undefeated... and grateful that I hadn't taken it up a notch and brought out the leg wrestling.

And then on Friday, Guitar Hero night rolled around. And somehow, with the aid of margaritas, I ended up rolling around on the floor taking Mack's judo moves, trying to choke out Gio, and trying to take down Jay. Luckily no one was "hurt," even though the bruises give evidence to the contrary. My good friend Amy, who trades licks with me when my liquid alter ego gets a little punchy, once suggested I go to Beaters Anonymous to keep my aggression in check. Who needs Beaters Anonymous when you've got friends?