Dulywed: What's Beneath All Those Vows (a series)

Me: "It's a good thing I got you in Kentucky, because if we met in LA I wouldn't have had a chance with you. Luckily, you don't realize how cute you really are."

Him, shouting out the window of the car: "Ladies, I now realize how cute I really am. You can all come out of your homes."

Wanted: The Tooth Fairy

Laila started losing teeth earlier this year. She's lost the bottom two, and the four drops of blood that followed the exit of each tooth was so terrifying to her that she is no longer consenting to losing teeth. She tried it, it doesn't suit her, she's done with it. Unfortunately, her teeth don't agree, so those of us who love her and spend time with her get to stare at this all day long.
I used to love pulling out my teeth because it meant I got money. One entire dollar. That I could use to buy candy. When I got to the age where teeth didn't fall out very easily or very often, I started pulling Leiah's teeth out. By twisting them. With a Kleenex in my hand. In retrospect I have no idea why she let me rip her teeth out of her mouth, but I bet she needed money to buy candy too.

Maybe the OCD Taurus in me just likes things neat and tidy, and snaggly teeth are too distracting for me to relax. Laila has had her tooth protruding like this for weeks now, and every time I see her I think, "oh, it can't hang on another week, her other tooth has got to be on the verge of evicting this one," and every time I see her that dang tooth is still there, hanging on for dear life. Last weekend I told her I couldn't see her again until she lost the tooth. It wasn't quite as good a motivator as ripping her tooth from her jaw, but I'm hoping it works.

Dulywed: What's Beneath All Those Vows (a series)

Me, while watching The Fast and the Furious: "Wow. Look at his triceps. Do you want to be Vin Diesel's size?"

Him: "No. I will be bigger than him or smaller than him, because he is a fag."

Unpacking the Boxes

We moved. I don't actually mind moving, especially when it means we get two bedrooms and more cabinet space than we really know what to do with for less than we were paying. I guess I should qualify that -- I don't mind packing and unpacking boxes. I hate the heavy lifting part of moving.

Because we have extra closet space, I've decided now is the time to go through all my crap and get rid of some of it. Some of it is just too good to throw out without one more laugh, so, my fine friends, be on the lookout for some of my purged crap to come your way.

I'm one box in so far, and I just opened the big red trunk that is officially so heavy I can no longer lift it. Right on top, front and center, floating above everything else was my Youth Walk Devotional Bible... with strips of paper referencing specific scriptures tucked in between pages... looking like I used the thing all the time. I went through what Shannon calls a Jesus, Goodie Goodie phase when I was about 13. Here's my take on it. Church was where my friends and I hung out. A church retreat was a good excuse to spend the weekend with friends, even if it did mean we had to watch videos of aborted babies in buckets. Church was the organization that took me to concerts where I could hold hands with boys. Shannon remembers it differently. According to her, I was all Ms. Perfect and completely Jesused out, and she has shared her version of reality with Mack. He mostly believed me until I popped the top on the red trunk tonight and there was my nicely worn devotional bible. And if that wasn't bad enough, it had one of those spin the wheel to the way you're feeling and get some suggested scripture to read thingies. And if that wasn't bad enough, it also had this:
That's right, personalized Jesus notes. I still feel like it was more of a social thing than a religion thing, but there is evidence to the contrary now. And when I discovered this next gem, I really started to wonder if I'm not a little mental:
That's right. It's a calendar. A calendar from 1992. A calendar that my dear friend Heather, who was one of the friends I went to lock ins with and at whose church I probably still hold the record for most Papa John's pepperocinis consumed in a contest, gave me Christmas of 1991. When I was 13. When I didn't really need a calendar to plan anything. I'm sure I loved this calendar because it had lions on it and I was in a lion phase when I was in my Jesus phase, but I know I loved it more because Heather had touched it and had given it to me and anything she touched and gave to me, I worshipped. Maybe it wasn't Jesus I was on fire for, after all. Either way, I have lugged that damn calendar around with me for FIFTEEN YEARS now. That calendar has been with me from Louisville to Lake Charles to my parents' house in Lexington to my college in Lexington to my first apartment in Lexington to my first rental house in Lexington to my first purchased house to my storage unit to my first Los Angeles apartment and now to my second Los Angeles apartment. I'm officially throwing it out. If I've managed to keep Heather this long, I don't need to hang on to this calendar anymore.

I also kept these dumb things, my nametag from Heather's bachelorette party because someday she and I are going to be in the same room with my 300 pound red trunk and I'm going to remember I have this and pull it out and she will chuckle for one second and it will have been worth hauling it around for the last decade and a sign I flashed at cars when Heather and I were driving to Daytona Beach for Spring Break. The other side said SHOW YOUR TITS, but I figured since I was already showing a penis I'd tone it down, in case Jesus reads my blog and he's mad about what I said earlier.

Oh, lookey here. A Polly Pocket world without any Polly Pockets. Thank god I have this since I am 29!
I also found an entire bag weighing about 8 pounds of stuff from a friendship with a girl I knew named Leslie Smith. Leslie was my best friend before I fell in love with Heather and she stole me away (because her church was cooler). Leslie moved to Texas about the same time I moved to Louisiana. We stayed in touch until the end of high school. Last I heard she was valedictorian and a bonified genius. She was fun, but I remember we used to fight like cats and dogs. And we ate pickles until we were sick. And her brother played basketball and when I cheered for him, he would get furious and tell his parents to make me stop. They were larger people and I remember they used to lock the doors on Saturday morning because that was when they had sex. They were very nice to me though. They always took me to Chinese for lunch after church, and since it was my first exposure to Chinese, I decided to keep a menu remnant and a fortune cookie wrapper for the next 19 years.
(It reads, "My Year, 1990, Sesame with Leslie and Smith's," just like that with bad apostrophes and everything.)

Leslie had this video game where you dissected bodies and I always killed the patients because I wasn't good at the mouse scalpel. We played light as a feather, stiff as a board during one of her slumber parties and it actually worked, probably because her older brother was able to lift the girl up. She was the girl I made puff paint shirts with, the girl who gave me the nickname Ammi and she was Lesi, even though both nicknames sound dumb.
She was the girl I went to the mall with and ate at the Great Steak and Fry with. Regardless of my fond memories, I do not need to keep the gift bag with irises that she gave me anymore. I have no idea where Leslie is or what she is doing, and this bag of junk doesn't reveal either. I will only keep the photos... because we seem so small and yet so confident... and the letters... because letter writing is a dying art. I will throw away the clay pigeon I dropped at camp one summer with Leslie and then told everyone I shot it.

Luckily the stuff I have from my friendship with Erica Herren is limited to a self-laminated frumpy award, which I earned by virtue of being a slob with her. I also have a button from a trip to Disney World with my family in 1996, I think. More than 10 years ago. A button that says, "I Had a Blast." I, in fact, did not have a blast. We ate breakfast with Goofy and went on a ride that forever etched "There's a great big beautiful tomorrow, shining at the end of every day" into the memories of all my family members, and the whole trip cost so much that I had to finance my college education. I have the button, and I still have the student loan. (Did I mention I also kept the guide book and the claim check for the luggage?!!!)

Here is some crap I am keeping, because I'm not to that point yet with these things.

My Little League baseball cap. This season changed my life. I learned how to bunt AND take teasing from my peers and coaches. I also caught my first fly ball.
My Toys R Us name badge. As long as I have this, I have a job waiting for me.

Lame Excuses and a Peace Offering

Here's the deal. I have a lot of posts to put up. But since we moved, our internet went up and then went down. So I'm sans net except when I'm at work. Which means you are sans blog. But, since you deserve some goodness, check out Shannon's sweet baby renee blog. Be warned, you will fall in love.

Drawing Blanks

I feel like blogging but I have no idea what to blog about. So, I present random thoughts.

We're looking for a new place to live. Not that we haven't enjoyed threats from the neighbors about our dog's barking and a field of dirt for a backyard during our time at our little Mexican Jail in the Alley, but, it's time to move on, and move closer to the beach.

We've found a place we both really like, still in Santa Monica, but on 4th Street, which, if you can count, makes you four blocks from the beach. We're meeting with the landlady on Thursday to present ourselves as respectable people with good credit, and after that, hopefully, we'll start packing boxes. It's a one bedroom with hardwood floors, blah blah blah on the inside, but it comes with a sliding patio door that opens onto a little patio and a decent yard WITH GRASS. I have missed having an outside living space and natural lighting so much. Sometimes it gets hotter in the house than outside during the day, and we can't hang outside because, well, we have no place to hang. The alley smells like garbage and the backyard makes you feel like you're in a desert. Another perk of the new place is that it's on a hill, so if you walk out to the street and look West, you can actually see the big Pacific Ocean right there. And that's pretty cool.

Work is going good, ridiculously busy with irrational demands, but good. I actually just did a shoot in New York City, which was a blast. I love that city. It was a literal pain getting around on the subway with all of our production gear, but I just counted it as exercise. I wish we had a subway (one that wasn't a joke) here because I would totally take it everywhere. It's so fast and efficient, and it forces you to interact with people, which seems to make you a little nicer. I gotta say though, at some parts when you're two levels below the ground in the ultra humid parts that only smell like electric train track, if you let that "What if" train of thought take hold, it can make you realize claustrophobia you never knew you had.

Let's see, what else? We recently got a membership at the Co-opportunity, which is a healthy food store that is actually cheaper than the grocery store. In New York, we interviewed a really cool woman who runs an amazing vegan restaurant called Candle 79, and her food was so delicious and beautiful -- and some of it so meatlike -- that I bought her cookbook (totally endorsed by me, but some of the recipes you gotta do once and then figure out what you'd do differently next time to make the better suited to you) and made four recipes in three days after I got home. Some of the stuff she's mastered include seitan, which is wheat gluten that I swear is just like meat; tofu, which has so many textures it's great for everything from making creamy desserts to making barbecue patties; and tempeh, which she says is the hardest to learn how to make but is ultra versatile. I made a smokey tempeh potato salad (vegan) from my friend Jordan's website VeganRobot, and it tasted just like potato salad with bacon in it. I feel like there's so much food I never knew about before becoming a vegetarian, and the wierdest thing about it is that when you eat vegan or vegetarian meals, and I mean eat as in pig out on seven dishes like we did at Candle 79, you actually leave the table with energy. Most of the times when I pig out I immediately need a nap, but with this kind of food, you pig out and have a spring in your step as you walk away from the table.

Speaking of foods I never knew about, and how clever these little vegans have become, I discovered something called Cactus Jerky at the Co-op the last time we went. It's a little weird at first, cactus being turned into jerky, but it's actually pretty good, maybe even better than most of the beff jerky I've had (not Dave's though, his is the best). It's got the right texture, it sticks to your teeth the right amount, it's the right amount of salty and sweet. It looks a little like dried kelp, but it's the same color as beef jerky, so it's pretty convincing.

What else??? Oh, I'm studying for the GRE. Don't know what I might go to grad school for, maybe creative writing, maybe journalism, maybe something totally unrelated to anything I've ever done. Studying has been interesting. I'm relearning geometry and arithmetic and theorems and properties. I haven't made it into the verbal part or the logic part yet, but I'm not too worried about verbal and I'm desperately worried about logic. Logic is hard. It makes no sense to me, and it makes perfect sense to Mack, and I get frustrated that it's so easy for him and then I want to stab him in his glowingly brilliant brain with my number two pencil but I can't because I love him and being a widow would be just depressing. So I study, and I will hopefully be taking this thing before the end of the year.

Today is Mack's Dad's birthday, so we are going out to lunch with the Thomases, and it is also the 4th of July, so this afternoon we are going to a cookout at a friend of a friend's house. Hopefully there will be fireworks. I love fireworks.

Climbing out from under the Sony Bravia Guitar Hero II Rock

Mack and I rang in ONE whole year of marriage last Saturday (at least we think we were married on June 22... it was vacation and we lost track of days). To celebrate our love, we decided to indulge in guilty pleasures. What could a television addict and a video game addict get to make their lives happily ever after?

Don't let your teeny little computer screen deceive you, that television is actually 42 inches big. And our time spent playing Guitar Hero II has, no kidding, left us hallucinating. Some people have kids to keep the love alive. Mack and I bring electronics the size of eight year olds into our living room. I'm off to play a gig in Detroit...

Dulywed: What's Beneath All Those Vows (a series)

Kitty: Meerrooowwwaaahhh.

Him: We're all hungry Kitty. Shut up and bear it.

Kitty: Hrumph

Everything I Know about Life...

Forever ago, when I lived at Bob-O-Link, Amy and Dave started a list of "I learneds" on a white board we had. Although, now that I think about it, it might have happened at Nancy Hanks, that pit of despair that Dave and Amy called home before I rescued them and made them be my roommates. Anyway, Leiah sent this email of Maya Angelou quotes this morning, and it reminded me of the list that Amy and Dave came up with. They actually had their own list of learnings, some of which were more beautiful than anything here.

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."

"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."

"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."

"I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'"

"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."

"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."

"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."

"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."

"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

What have you learned?

So Homesick I Could Puke

My mom is in England with my sister, my niece, my brother-in-law and now my dad. I saw Betsy, Leiah and Ben two weeks ago while I was in Cinci for work. And now I've come down with a serious case of the homesick that can only be cured with a good cry and some good Bourbon.

I normally do pretty good with the homesicks, thanks to Skype and free long distance on my cell phone, but for some reason, new babies and people not being on your same continent makes it a lot harder than normal. Basically that dull ache that sits in my chest all the time has morphed into something altogether unbearable. It feels sort of like my heart has twisted 360 degrees and now resembles an abused dish rag. I can't even describe the lump in my throat, but it's so bad I'd stop breathing if I could control it.

Being the one that goes away is so much better than being the one left behind. Where's the Woodford?

Reason I Need to Barf #1

Reason I Need to Barf #2

Dulywed: What's Beneath All Those Vows (a series)

Miss Kitty, his cat, seems to think she's married to him and I'm some imposter whose sole purpose is feeding him and taking care of things so he and she can lounge on the couch like nature intended. So, when for some unknown reason she was affectionate towards me this evening, I asked...

"Are you going to cry when Kitty dies?"

"I will shed one tear," he said. "And then I will make her into a hat."

ACS Forever Immortalized at the Daily Pint

When I first met Golden Tee, one Tuesday night in Lexington at Rosebud while waiting for Kristin to show up, I immediately fell for it. I don't know if it was the spinny ball or the changing weather or the fact that I could enjoy golf without my boobs getting in the way, but something pushed this little arcade game to the top of my list.

On Thursday, during an impromptu happy hour, I got to play a game of Golden Tee. And I got a hole in one on the second hole. And then my hole in one was featured in the best shots ever montage that plays between games. And there it was, ACS, the only girl to ever hit a hole in one after two pints of Smithwick's and while playing against three boys. I have gone down in history.

29 Years in the Making

As my birthday week (and month) draws to a close, here is what I got this year.

A card and phone call from Ruble.
A card and email from Kristin.
A card and text message from Jennifer.
A card from Grandma Laura.
A pair of earrings fixed by Joe.
A cookie from Taraneh.
A card from Gio, who has the same birthday as I do and who turned 25 this year.
A bunch of tulips and half of a cake from Whitney.
A pair of adorables for my feet from Leigh.
A hundred dollars from my mom and dad.
A Microsoft Paint drawing of a chocolate cake from my dad.
A Moosewood Cookbook from Shannon & Charles.
A phone message from my dad Scott, my BFF&E Heather and my dear Elijah.
A pot of fresh coffee from Jordan.
A dinner at Urth from Malissa.
A birthday hymn in English from Leiah, my mom and my dad and in Farsi from Shahin.
A My Little Pony doll and an American Idol iPod toy from McDonald's from Laila (but I had to "give the box back").
A hot air balloon ride over wine country from the Thomases.
A sleek, shiny new silver iPod nano with the Nike athletic attachment from Mack (who obviously thinks the secret to a long life is exercise and not a gin martini after a hard day's work).
A reminder that being 29 is so worth it because of all the wonderful people I've collected over the years.

Thanks to everybody who made it special and supports my month long narcissism. I love you. And me.

What's in a Name?

Mack seriously has a guy in his physics class whose name is Phuuc Huu.

And that, my friends, is why I love cultural diversity.

It's Official! She's Renee Ellis Hensley!

After being Samatha, Lillian, Baby, She and Her, Shannon and Charles' sweet baby girl is now Renee. She is already showing her parents who's boss, but that's what I expected of Shan's baby. Here's the latest on my sweet niece.

Put this in your mouth.

When I get together with the people I love the most, we chop. It's just what we do.

We end up perched in front of a cutting board with a knife in hand and an island full of vegetables, and we chop our way through conversation after conversation. If we were in the Amazon, we'd be doing the same thing, but we'd be topless and have kids hanging in sacks dangling from our necks. This is how we are women; it's in our DNA to use cooking as a reason to get together and talk.

On my last trip home, we assumed the position and set out to make some of the tastiest things I've ever put in my mouth. In honor of summer, of cookouts, of pot lucks and of women, here are some suggestions for you to make with and share with the people you love.

TEXAS CAVIAR

(this one is fun to wing it... add or subtract whatever you want and it'll win friends)

2 16oz. cans black-eyed peas, drained and rinsed

1 16oz. can white hominy (my mom leaves this out)
1 small jar chopped pimentos, juice included
1 bunch scallions, thinly sliced, green part only
1 tbsp. fresh oregano
1 tbsp. tabasco sauce
1 tbsp. worchestershire sauce
1 tsp. black pepper
1/2 bunch parsley, chopped
3 canned or fresh jalapeno chiles, chopped (wear gloves or something when you chop these, and DO NOT rub your eye while you're chopping)
1 tomato
2 c. Italian dressing
1 green pepper, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced

Put it all in a bowl and stir it up. Serve it with tortilla chips or as a yummy salad.

GUACOMOLE

(because spelling errors on recipe cards automatically mean they're good and because guacamole is so good everyone deserves the secret on how to make it)

2 jalapenos or 2 tbsp. canned, chopped green chiles
2 large ripe avocados, mashed
2 medium tomatoes, finely chopped
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
2 tbsp. finely chopped cilantro
2 tbsp. lime or lemon juice (if you microwave them for 30 seconds you get a lot more juice out of them)
1/2 tbsp. salt
dash of pepper

Put it all in a bowl and stir it up. Serve it with tortilla chips or on turkey sandwiches or as part of a tomato sandwich or anywhere you can find to put it.

HILL COUNTRY SALSA

(this one is so good I recommend making it a fixture in your refrigerator)

1 15oz. can of black beans
1 11oz. can of corn
4 large tomatoes, chopped (my mom uses cherry tomatoes)
1 large avocado, peeled and chopped
1 large green pepper, chopped
1 bunch green onions, chopped
1/4 c. fresh lime juice (use the microwave trick)
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1 large jalapeno, chopped
1/3 c. chopped cilantro
2 tsp. ground cumin
1 tsp. salt
2 tbsp. olive oil

Put it all in a bowl and stir it up. Serve with tortilla chips or as a side on taco night.

The Endorsement Series (Part 7 in a Series)

I don't drink pop because it makes you fat, and I don't drink diet pop because the sweetener in it gives me a headache that isn't worth all the fizz in the world.

But, thanks to Mack and Ralph's and the price of LaCroix sparkling water, I now drink Diet Hansen's Creamy Root Beer. Let's go to the can for more information.

At its top rim, you discover that Diet Hansen's Creamy Root Beer has no carbs and is aspartame free. You slide down its side and see that it contains no fruit juice, no calories, no fat, no sodium, no sugars, and no protein. Rotate the can counter clockwise to reveal a donation match of up to $1,000 to the City of Hope for Breast Cancer Research by this little-known soda company. Ask what Coca-Cola or Pepsi have done for breast cancer research lately. Lower your eyes to the bottom of the can, where you will find there are no preservatives and no caffeine in this delicious drink. Admire the red tab on the top, savor the familiar root beer scent, guzzle down gulps that taste like baseball games in July.

This really is the nectar of the gods.

Dulywed: What's Beneath All Those Vows (a series)

Me: "I've got to go work out because I saw a picture of myself and I'm getting fat again. Why couldn't I get that skinny Paris Hilton gene?"

Him: "You got the pretty gene. And the awesome gene."

Another Amazing Birthday Gift

Shannon and Charles really wanted to make up for getting me Weird Al Yankovic's latest CD as a Christmas present, so this year for my birthday, they got me a precious little niece.
Sweet Baby Hensley (the girls get Shan's name, the boy's get Charles', and they're still deciding on a first name) finally got here today, May 10, about 20 minutes ago. I just got the call, so I have no idea what she weighs or how she looks, but I do know that Shannon has earned all the Mother's Day cards they have on the shelves (she had a natural child birth).

This is shaping up to be the best birthday ever, for me and now for my niece! I love another Taurus!!! I'm so glad we have another girl.

Congratulations Shannon and Charles and Niece. You are going to be such an amazing, sweet, beautiful, smart, talented and special family. I am so blessed to be related.

Birthday Celebration off to a Good Start

As anyone who knows me knows, my birthday is 8 days away. Please send presents to 1245 1/2 24th St., Santa Monica, CA, 90404. Thank you.

As anyone who knows me knows, my birthday celebration starts one week before and ends one week after my actual birthday and I'm trying to extend that so that my birthday celebration starts on May 1 and ends on May 31. So, to make the transition to 29 (pause with me to realize that I am 29, holy hell how did that happen so damn fast) a little easier, I did what any responsible 29 year old would do. I bought a new car.
I haven't actually signed papers for a new car since I was 18. I leased a brand new 1996 Toyota Celica straight out of high school and that was the last time I signed any papers at a dealership. My next car was a Jeep Wrangler (I think), which I signed loan papers for at the bank, and then I had a Mitsubishi Outlander, which my bosses signed lease papers for, and then I had a Toyota Celica that my mom let me use, and then I had a Toyota Avalon that my mom let me use, and then I had a $600 Mazda Protege that I paid cash for at auction, and then I had a Ford F150 that was actually Mack's. Turns out that F150 was costing us somewhere in the neighborhood of $400 a month IN GAS, so even though it was paid for, it was bleeding us dry. So, what do you do when it's your birthday and gas is too expensive? Well, you buy a new car.

It's not a new, new car since those lose 20% of their value the moment they leave the lot, but it is a new enough new car. It's a 2006 Volkswagen Golf hatchback. It's got 4 doors, power windows and locks, a CD player and good visibility out the windows. It's a little bit lesbian, but for some reason most of my cars end up being a little bit to a lot lesbian eventually anyway.

The best part of the new car, aside from the fact that it's the biggest birthday present I've ever given myself and then immediately shared with someone else (that's going to come back to me two-fold!), is that it gets 27 miles per gallon. If you'd have asked me about gas mileage when I was buying that Toyota Celica 11 years ago, I would have rolled my eyes and asked if it had a CD player and a sunroof. Now, gas mileage was a selling point. What's that they say about older and wiser?