A Q&A with SPAM

Dear Josephine Z. Griggs,
I've been getting a ton of email from your company lately, and I assume you keep contacting me because you're desperate for a response. I appreciate very much you bringing your product to my attention and for reaching out to me so frequently each day. I hope that by answering all of your questions in this forum, you will see that, while I'm sure your offer will change many lives, I do not have a need for it at this time. I'm also good on my Cialis supply, so you can quit sending me those notices as well.

Tired of being ashamed of your penis size?
-- No, not really. In fact, I've never in my life felt ashamed of my penis size.

Does your penis size ruin your life?
-- I think if it was any bigger it would, but in its current state, no it doesn't. Gosh, thanks for asking.

Have you ever heard this, "No way! Your penis is so small!"?
-- I doubt any person ever has. I know I've never said it, and I can't imagine any woman I know ever saying it.

Didn't you feel like a loser?
-- Because even after 10 pancakes I still couldn't get the hang of how to flip them? Yes. Because my penis isn't visible to the naked eye? No.

Don't let ladies prefer vibrator to you!
-- Vibrators can't give foot rubs, so men will always have a place.

Megadik will bring you to your sexual dreams! You must believe in this excellent preparation!
-- If Megadik is the answer to my sexual dreams, I am entirely devoid of any imagination. And I won't believe in "this excellent preparation" because that just sounds too weird to believe.

"Wow! Your penis is impressive!" Isn't that what you just love to hear?
-- I would freak out if someone said that to me. Especially if it came from my husband.

Soon you'll be the only one they will desire!
-- Goody. When? Will I have to dress up?

Megadik is your magic weapon!
-- And here I was thinking it was my guacamole recipe.

No more lonely nights! The new era of big penis begins!
-- It gets it own era?!! Then it should come with a museum, a board of directors and a slate of investors.

NOTHING compares to the feeling of having a larger penis.
-- I'm thinking the feeling of eating a good dessert probably comes close.

New size for Men especially for new feelings of women at once!
-- So much simultaneous newness.

You can increase the time of your sexual act.
-- Fine, as long as it doesn't run into prime time.

For every men of different ages unique decision!
-- Poor men. I *heart* my privates.

Hope that clears up any confusion. Thanks for taking me off your list, and good luck with your massive endeavor!
Love,
Amber

The Endorsement Series (Part 8 in a Series)

I've got big boobs and I cannot lie
My own Mother can't deny
That when I walk in wearing my work shirt
with buttons on alert
they're almost sprung, wanna pop right off
'Cause the shirt shrunk in the wash
Crammed in the top I'm wearing
Too poor to do repairing
But ladies, I found the answer
Privacy Strips for all non-dancers
I found them on the web
So with the boobs I got I'm not a schleb.

That's my endorsement rap for Privacy Strips. Top boob is known as cleavage, but accidental middle boob with bra is known as shirt is too tight in that spot, even though it wasn't when you tried it on in the dressing room. With your other bra. Before you got your period and they swelled to grandmotherly proportions. Now the shirt you bought can fit you "there" as well as everywhere else. And you don't even have to pay a tailor. Just press this little double sized, get-the-job-done tape between buttons and seal your shirt shut. I did this at 8 am. I showed it off to a lady friend at work. It was still holding strong at 7 pm. It could have gone all night, but 7 pm is when I put on my pajamas so...

Ten strips are, brace yourself, $2.99 for 10. If you buy five packs you don't have to pay shipping for the others. Most of my nice work shirts (read: shirts I paid $49.50 or more for) have this mysterious bulge in the bosom, and I've actually given up on some and thrown them away. If only I knew about Privacy Strips then.

THINGS I LEARNED AT THE CREATION MUSEUM

1. There is an entire race of people who still wear bonnets. They are cute and seem very young. And they make me want homemade butter.

2. Adam is responsible for all the evil in the world, not Eve, like I thought. So it should be called Adamil, not Evil.

3. When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, they were totally comfortable being naked, but Eve's boobs were conveniently always covered up by her long, billowy hair.

4. As for their privates, those were conveniently always covered by lush gardens. Unless they were in water, in which case Adam and Eve didn't have legs or privates.

5. Before Adam's big screw up, kids played with dinosaurs like they play with dogs today. Even though the dinosaurs had big teeth suited for eating kids, they only used those big teeth to eat grass. It seems they were considered "cuddly."

6. It's not funny when men with scraggly beards whisper, "It's gonna gitcha," in your ear when you're staring at an automated dinosaur. Not. Funny.

7. God loves variety. Variety that billions of years of changing topography and atmosphere couldn't accomplish, but variety that six days of hard work and one day of rest could.

8. Humans use reason. God uses words. That makes sense.

9. Satan assumed the form of a snake that went on to get a lead role in "Snakes on a Plane." Maybe you've heard of the species "pretend," which boasts horns where its ears would go if it had ears.

10. If you're scared, either of the Devil or of Jesus coming back, a lot of locks will keep you safe.

11. After Adam ruined the world, poison went into poison arrow frogs (before that they didn't have poison in them), dinosaurs started using their teeth to eat flesh, and weeds started to grow, which basically turned everything to crap.

12. When the Modern World abandoned the Bible there was a horrible outbreak of... graffiti artists!

13. Adam and Eve had to skin animals and leave them on a rock to get a loving God to forgive them for eating that fruit when they were first going out.

14. You don't learn this kind of stuff in school. Probably because it's not part of God's plan.

15. A huge boat held two of each animal on the earth, even though there was already venom in the animals and dinosaurs had become aggressive. All the animals were very orderly and lined up in twos to board. They were also very happy in their little cubbies before, during and a little after the flood. The captain of the boat, Noah, was sometimes white and sometimes Indian, which goes back to that point about God liking variety.

16. All the extra animals that didn't go on the boat, including people, were buried in a layer of mud when the flood came. That's how we got fossils.

17. Thou shalt not... touch!

Rain?! In Los Angeles?!!

Apparently, it does happen. While the sun shines. And for barely long enough for me to get my camera and take a picture of this unusual atmospheric phenomenon. Before it dries.

My Old Kentucky Home

I just got home from 9 days of lovelies bliss. I spent time with so many people I love I ended up feeling more homesick than I felt before my vacation. It went by way too fast, but here are a few snippets of the whirlwind love tornado express.

Here's the main reason I went home.
Ben was turning ONE YEAR OLD, and since he's so cute they should turn him into candy and sprinkle him on cupcakes, his Auntie Am and Uncle Mack had to go 2000 miles to watch him hit this milestone.

Since little BAM BAM usually comes attached to one of my other lovelies, I also got to see them. And they are so cute they should be turned into red glittery paper and made into Valentines.It just so happened that Jen was also leading a Light the Night team for a walk to raise money for leukemia/lymphoma research while I was home. I only got to spend time near her while we wandered through the streets of downtown Lexington, and mostly I spent that time admiring her from afar. I'm glad I got to be there to support her, and I'm even more glad that I didn't have to wear an "In Memory" shirt with her name on it thanks to all the money raised for research. Donate here.

We went to Rincon to drink margaritas, and Mack and Ben had one too many... laughs! They were cracking each other up. Ben loved pointing at Mack's teeth and then cracking up like I've never heard him crack up. I feel like a hero when I get him to smile by stealing his binkie (a joke I learned from his mom), so I was floored (and impressed) that Mack was able to get him to cackle.


We also got to see lovelies Ruble & Steve and Beth, who I haven't seen in almost a year. The food sucked, but the company was the best helping of good times I've had in a long time. Delicious people with delicious faces and delicious personalities make up for bad fajitas any day. And, then, it was our last day... the big event day... Ben's birthday. He was so good. He had a little nap before his UK party got started, which is good because the UK vs. U of L game that was on after his party was exhausting (for you losers who missed the game, the final two minutes were some of the best in UK football ever... like the LSU game a few years ago only without the devastating ending). He got lots of presents, including a great laptop from his AA and UM and an interesting insect book from his Dude. I also like the "I listen to Led Zeppelin with my Dad" t-shirt and his Dude socks that he got. He's a lucky little boy. And I'm a lucky little aunt/daughter/friend/sister.

Warming the House

Because they are the best, most generous parents in the world, my mom and dad hooked us up with a housewarming gift of our choice. Since we recently upgraded our television to ridiculous proportions and moved to a place that actually allowed for a coffee table, we were left sans tv stand until they came to our rescue. Because they are awesome. Here's a little Before & After since you are obviously DYING for a visual manifestation of how parents make life better.
BEFORE, when it seemed like a fine idea for the DVR to dangle dangerously on the edge
AFTER, when we have actual spare space for more crap

Bad Things Happen in Threes

1. Venus starts peeing blood because I happened to have an as yet unallocated $300, which won't even begin to actually treat her.

2. Mack dislocates his foot during judo practice because there's no time like a couple weeks before vacation to get on crutches.

3. Communication breakdown with wedding coordinator creates question as to time of wedding and a bit of panic.

Today I wanted to punch life in the face.

Wedding Bellz

I knew Will was a catch for Kristin long before Mack discovered them making out in the backyard four years ago. I had the sense that he was just a downright good guy, an easy going, smooth smoothy the first time I met him, but my gut feelings were confirmed during one ski trip when members of Hot Tub Talk voted him Best Boyfriend. I think it's only fair that Will is Best Boyfriend since Kristin is easily Sweetest, Funnest, Prettiest, Most Entertaining Girlfriend Ever.

Well, this weekend one of my favorite duos became the Slatontons. And this will go down in my elephantine memory as one of the best weddings ever. Everything from the little fans for the ladies to the food was courtesy of Kristin's admirable attention to detail. And apparently I like to dance a lot more than I ever thought I did, making sandwiches out of everyone from Julio to my toddler lover Conner. I usually hate to dance, so if a wedding gets me out there to cut a rug for more than one song, things are going better than anyone expected. At this wedding I was out there the ENTIRE NIGHT, spinning Sarah in circles, grabbing Ryan's necktie and even starting a train! I don't start trains. I don't even really know how to start trains.

I can't detail it as well as the photos, so here we go.
























I had a blast with everyone I spent time with, especially Sarah, Ruble, Steve, Jen, Mike and even Kristin. Most importantly, I had a great time meeting Will's family, seeing one of my best friends start down the path to happily ever after, and finally, after almost a decade, meeting Granny Stapleton.