Dear Poppin' Jalapeño Doritos,
I knew when I saw you in the grocery store that I should have just walked right past you, should have left you in that mound with your friends Taco/Ranch and Blue Cheese/Buffalo Wings, but my willpower self caved when my deal monger self caught sight of the 3 for $5 sign gracing Mount Doritos. Damn deal monger self.
I put you in my cart hoping that would shut you up and went through the store buying sensible things I don't eat in a puddle of shame. Morningstar sausage patties were $1 off, eggs were $1 cheaper than they were last week. As I stood in the checkout line unloading my cart I managed to resist the salty whisper of the PayDay bars and opted to use my purchase power to put a smile on Mack's face with a Crunch bar. It would have been a wholly successful trip to the grocery, complete with all the fixins for chili and bean salad, if not for you tarnishing my cart. What is it about you that I cannot resist?
As if the public disgrace at the grocery store wasn't bad enough, when I got home you put me into a trance so deep that I couldn't put the groceries away until you were devoured, until all evidence of my weakness was consumed, until all traces of a bag of corn chips having power over me were cleaned up. About 75% of the way through the bag, feeling like a junkie who's already injected too much, torn between a world of sobriety and one of thrilling impulse, I regained control and stuffed you into the cupboard where you should have been 8 servings earlier.
Yesterday I managed to ignore you all day, mostly because I was out of earshot. But today, the minute I walked in the door from work, you started up again. Crunchy, salty, ready. Your convenience and powdered flavor is just impossible to resist. You want to be good, I know you do. That's why you put the 0g Trans Fats on your packaging. But you aren't good. You are a very, very bad food. And you please need to shut up now.
Love,
Amber
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4 comments:
I love you man... that was so funny and I needed a good laugh at that moment. Chips have always been your kryptonite... it's just funny to see some things never change, no matter how far away you are or what you might be doing. Thanks for the laugh!
a
This was hi-lar-i-ous! You're not alone with your chip weakness - I bought a bag of Cheetos a few weeks ago (my all time fave chip) and after about half a bag took a big spoon to the bag to crumble them into dust so that I could throw them away without risk of pulling them out of the garbage and eating more delectible puffs of cheese product.
I have pulled chips out of the garbage to polish them off before.
I'm not proud of that fact, which is why after writing that post I took the Poppin' Jalapeno Doritos to the outside trash and then put a bag of Venus' steamy poop on top. So far, that has worked.
so far, huh?
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