ACS Forever Immortalized at the Daily Pint

When I first met Golden Tee, one Tuesday night in Lexington at Rosebud while waiting for Kristin to show up, I immediately fell for it. I don't know if it was the spinny ball or the changing weather or the fact that I could enjoy golf without my boobs getting in the way, but something pushed this little arcade game to the top of my list.

On Thursday, during an impromptu happy hour, I got to play a game of Golden Tee. And I got a hole in one on the second hole. And then my hole in one was featured in the best shots ever montage that plays between games. And there it was, ACS, the only girl to ever hit a hole in one after two pints of Smithwick's and while playing against three boys. I have gone down in history.

29 Years in the Making

As my birthday week (and month) draws to a close, here is what I got this year.

A card and phone call from Ruble.
A card and email from Kristin.
A card and text message from Jennifer.
A card from Grandma Laura.
A pair of earrings fixed by Joe.
A cookie from Taraneh.
A card from Gio, who has the same birthday as I do and who turned 25 this year.
A bunch of tulips and half of a cake from Whitney.
A pair of adorables for my feet from Leigh.
A hundred dollars from my mom and dad.
A Microsoft Paint drawing of a chocolate cake from my dad.
A Moosewood Cookbook from Shannon & Charles.
A phone message from my dad Scott, my BFF&E Heather and my dear Elijah.
A pot of fresh coffee from Jordan.
A dinner at Urth from Malissa.
A birthday hymn in English from Leiah, my mom and my dad and in Farsi from Shahin.
A My Little Pony doll and an American Idol iPod toy from McDonald's from Laila (but I had to "give the box back").
A hot air balloon ride over wine country from the Thomases.
A sleek, shiny new silver iPod nano with the Nike athletic attachment from Mack (who obviously thinks the secret to a long life is exercise and not a gin martini after a hard day's work).
A reminder that being 29 is so worth it because of all the wonderful people I've collected over the years.

Thanks to everybody who made it special and supports my month long narcissism. I love you. And me.

What's in a Name?

Mack seriously has a guy in his physics class whose name is Phuuc Huu.

And that, my friends, is why I love cultural diversity.

It's Official! She's Renee Ellis Hensley!

After being Samatha, Lillian, Baby, She and Her, Shannon and Charles' sweet baby girl is now Renee. She is already showing her parents who's boss, but that's what I expected of Shan's baby. Here's the latest on my sweet niece.

Put this in your mouth.

When I get together with the people I love the most, we chop. It's just what we do.

We end up perched in front of a cutting board with a knife in hand and an island full of vegetables, and we chop our way through conversation after conversation. If we were in the Amazon, we'd be doing the same thing, but we'd be topless and have kids hanging in sacks dangling from our necks. This is how we are women; it's in our DNA to use cooking as a reason to get together and talk.

On my last trip home, we assumed the position and set out to make some of the tastiest things I've ever put in my mouth. In honor of summer, of cookouts, of pot lucks and of women, here are some suggestions for you to make with and share with the people you love.

TEXAS CAVIAR

(this one is fun to wing it... add or subtract whatever you want and it'll win friends)

2 16oz. cans black-eyed peas, drained and rinsed

1 16oz. can white hominy (my mom leaves this out)
1 small jar chopped pimentos, juice included
1 bunch scallions, thinly sliced, green part only
1 tbsp. fresh oregano
1 tbsp. tabasco sauce
1 tbsp. worchestershire sauce
1 tsp. black pepper
1/2 bunch parsley, chopped
3 canned or fresh jalapeno chiles, chopped (wear gloves or something when you chop these, and DO NOT rub your eye while you're chopping)
1 tomato
2 c. Italian dressing
1 green pepper, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced

Put it all in a bowl and stir it up. Serve it with tortilla chips or as a yummy salad.

GUACOMOLE

(because spelling errors on recipe cards automatically mean they're good and because guacamole is so good everyone deserves the secret on how to make it)

2 jalapenos or 2 tbsp. canned, chopped green chiles
2 large ripe avocados, mashed
2 medium tomatoes, finely chopped
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
2 tbsp. finely chopped cilantro
2 tbsp. lime or lemon juice (if you microwave them for 30 seconds you get a lot more juice out of them)
1/2 tbsp. salt
dash of pepper

Put it all in a bowl and stir it up. Serve it with tortilla chips or on turkey sandwiches or as part of a tomato sandwich or anywhere you can find to put it.

HILL COUNTRY SALSA

(this one is so good I recommend making it a fixture in your refrigerator)

1 15oz. can of black beans
1 11oz. can of corn
4 large tomatoes, chopped (my mom uses cherry tomatoes)
1 large avocado, peeled and chopped
1 large green pepper, chopped
1 bunch green onions, chopped
1/4 c. fresh lime juice (use the microwave trick)
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1 large jalapeno, chopped
1/3 c. chopped cilantro
2 tsp. ground cumin
1 tsp. salt
2 tbsp. olive oil

Put it all in a bowl and stir it up. Serve with tortilla chips or as a side on taco night.

The Endorsement Series (Part 7 in a Series)

I don't drink pop because it makes you fat, and I don't drink diet pop because the sweetener in it gives me a headache that isn't worth all the fizz in the world.

But, thanks to Mack and Ralph's and the price of LaCroix sparkling water, I now drink Diet Hansen's Creamy Root Beer. Let's go to the can for more information.

At its top rim, you discover that Diet Hansen's Creamy Root Beer has no carbs and is aspartame free. You slide down its side and see that it contains no fruit juice, no calories, no fat, no sodium, no sugars, and no protein. Rotate the can counter clockwise to reveal a donation match of up to $1,000 to the City of Hope for Breast Cancer Research by this little-known soda company. Ask what Coca-Cola or Pepsi have done for breast cancer research lately. Lower your eyes to the bottom of the can, where you will find there are no preservatives and no caffeine in this delicious drink. Admire the red tab on the top, savor the familiar root beer scent, guzzle down gulps that taste like baseball games in July.

This really is the nectar of the gods.

Dulywed: What's Beneath All Those Vows (a series)

Me: "I've got to go work out because I saw a picture of myself and I'm getting fat again. Why couldn't I get that skinny Paris Hilton gene?"

Him: "You got the pretty gene. And the awesome gene."

Another Amazing Birthday Gift

Shannon and Charles really wanted to make up for getting me Weird Al Yankovic's latest CD as a Christmas present, so this year for my birthday, they got me a precious little niece.
Sweet Baby Hensley (the girls get Shan's name, the boy's get Charles', and they're still deciding on a first name) finally got here today, May 10, about 20 minutes ago. I just got the call, so I have no idea what she weighs or how she looks, but I do know that Shannon has earned all the Mother's Day cards they have on the shelves (she had a natural child birth).

This is shaping up to be the best birthday ever, for me and now for my niece! I love another Taurus!!! I'm so glad we have another girl.

Congratulations Shannon and Charles and Niece. You are going to be such an amazing, sweet, beautiful, smart, talented and special family. I am so blessed to be related.

Birthday Celebration off to a Good Start

As anyone who knows me knows, my birthday is 8 days away. Please send presents to 1245 1/2 24th St., Santa Monica, CA, 90404. Thank you.

As anyone who knows me knows, my birthday celebration starts one week before and ends one week after my actual birthday and I'm trying to extend that so that my birthday celebration starts on May 1 and ends on May 31. So, to make the transition to 29 (pause with me to realize that I am 29, holy hell how did that happen so damn fast) a little easier, I did what any responsible 29 year old would do. I bought a new car.
I haven't actually signed papers for a new car since I was 18. I leased a brand new 1996 Toyota Celica straight out of high school and that was the last time I signed any papers at a dealership. My next car was a Jeep Wrangler (I think), which I signed loan papers for at the bank, and then I had a Mitsubishi Outlander, which my bosses signed lease papers for, and then I had a Toyota Celica that my mom let me use, and then I had a Toyota Avalon that my mom let me use, and then I had a $600 Mazda Protege that I paid cash for at auction, and then I had a Ford F150 that was actually Mack's. Turns out that F150 was costing us somewhere in the neighborhood of $400 a month IN GAS, so even though it was paid for, it was bleeding us dry. So, what do you do when it's your birthday and gas is too expensive? Well, you buy a new car.

It's not a new, new car since those lose 20% of their value the moment they leave the lot, but it is a new enough new car. It's a 2006 Volkswagen Golf hatchback. It's got 4 doors, power windows and locks, a CD player and good visibility out the windows. It's a little bit lesbian, but for some reason most of my cars end up being a little bit to a lot lesbian eventually anyway.

The best part of the new car, aside from the fact that it's the biggest birthday present I've ever given myself and then immediately shared with someone else (that's going to come back to me two-fold!), is that it gets 27 miles per gallon. If you'd have asked me about gas mileage when I was buying that Toyota Celica 11 years ago, I would have rolled my eyes and asked if it had a CD player and a sunroof. Now, gas mileage was a selling point. What's that they say about older and wiser?

Veggie Tales (Part 1 in a Series about Being a Vegetarian)

I love taco night. I've always loved taco night. When I was a kid, I would get up off the floor (for whatever reason I liked to lay on the kitchen floor with my silky for recreation) while my mom was cooking dinner if it was taco night... because I could cook the meat. I could shave the browning parts off the frozen clump of ground beef like a regular sous chef. On special occasions, my mom would even put out sliced black olives for taco night. Dinner was ready, tomatoes were involved, life was good. And then I became a vegetarian, which is a delightful little green land where animals tap dance in your presence and vegetables paint your plate and taco night isn't the same.

Unless you discover Yves® The Good Ground Taco Version (that is not it's real name, I improvised the Taco Version part because I don't know the real name, but I trust that if you find the Yves® stuff you'll discover the taco version line). In which case, taco night is better than ever.

I don't particularly like the gristle of ground beef, but I do have a soft spot in my heart for the texture of it. That's why Yves® is so great. It's all crumbly like taco meat is supposed to be, and it perfectly replicates that great envelope-seasoning-mixed-with-water stickiness that taco meat is known for.

As if perfectly mirroring meat weren't enough of a reason to try it out, each of the 12 servings in the package has 0 points if accounted for individually. Even though I usually eat 4-6 of the servings, I tell myself it's all 0 points. And that is why I will never lose weight on Weight Watchers.

The Yves® fiber and protein rich crumbles make taco night everything it's supposed to be. Bring out the black olives!

(*FYI, you'd think the Ortega taco shells would be better for you than the Taco Bell ones, but it turns out that the Ortega ones actually have hydrogenated oils while the Taco Bell ones don't. Yves® is also clear of the hyrogenates. Can we say wonder food?)

My Feathered Friends

I've never liked birds (unless they are of the variety that can talk or do tricks). Without fail, I'm the one who will get pooped on in a crowd of people. I'm the one who will spend extra time fixing my hair only to have a bird relieve itself as soon as I step out the door. Basically, I don't like birds because they have chronic diarrhea and hollow bones, which are two telltale signs of things that can't be trusted.

But, after visiting a couple of friends here in LA and seeing their little birdfeeder being frequented by gracious, cute little finches, I developed an unusual soft spot for birds. Since my backyard is in a constant state of construction and we've therefore got a depressing view outside our kitchen window, I decided I'd try to bring the birds in to liven the place up. I bought my birdfeeder, filled it up and waited the whole weekend. No one showed up.

Feeling my optimism waning and my dislike for birds returning, I walked into the kitchen Monday morning to a breakfast party of about six finches. They were vying for space on the feeder and lining up on the plants I put around it to make it feel more natural... as natural as a hanging trough next to a house wall can feel. It was pretty awesome.
They eat about a feeder of food every two days, and when I don't refill it, they ignore me for a day or two, but I've definitely made some feathered friends. My favorite is one we call "Mutant Eye," a little tan finch with a huge bulge on his left eye. I can't tell if he has an eye because he moves so quick, but his defect has certainly made him endearing. We've also got red heads and orange heads and spotty ones. There have also been a couple of doves strutting around and a hummingbird that zips by these orange flowers in the back yard. It's no nature sanctuary by any means, but it's better than dirt mounds and rebar wires.

Adventures in Joshua Tree

A few weeks ago, Mack and I trekked to Joshua Tree National Forest with some friends to camp out and do some hiking. We'd heard really nothing about the park or its namesake trees, so when we got to the actual park, I wasn't exactly sure if what I was seeing was a Joshua Tree. For anyone else who may have been in that same boat of pretending to know, this is a Joshua Tree.
Fortunately, Mack has a habit of reading all those informational signs whenever we go exploring, so when I have questions, he usually has the answers. So, why are they called Joshua Trees?

"While the Mormons were crossing the desert the tree reminded them of a story where Joshua holds up his hands to the sky. Apparently they felt these trees were a symbol that they were going the right way, which is why they landed in Utah. Did you know that Chinese women have sideways clitorises?"

Fascinating. The Joshua Tree National Park contains the Joshua Tree forest, which I never took the time to conceptualize. I've spent most of my forest time amidst pine trees or Kentucky-traditional forests of oaks and maples and everything else in the Red River Gorge. I've always thought of forest not just as trees but also as canopy and muddy leaves on the ground. The Joshua Tree forest has just as many trees as a regular forest, but since the trees "only grow up to 10 cm a year" there is no canopy. And since the trees are so tiny, the ground cover has nothing to do with them. Instead, prickly, deadlooking bushes decorate the desert forest floor. Perspective definitely changes in this forest.
Our jaunt through the park gave us an awesome view of the most tempting rocks ever -- the type of rocks that you just want to jump onto and climb around like you were a kid, the type that crush the voices inside your head saying, "You could slip and fall," "That's too high," "Watch your footing!" These rocks are rounded and deliberate, with traction naturally adorning every surface. They're perfect for butt climbing, which basically means scooting along like a sissy on your rear end so you don't lose your balance. I happen to be a professional butt climber.
We made our way through the park looking for a campsite, but since we didn't make a reservation and since we were getting there in the afternoon, we couldn't find a single place to camp. The good thing about not finding a campsite was that we drove through the whole park and were able to check out all it had to offer. The bad part was that we had to head to overflow camping, which is usually sans campfire and near the interstate. At the last campsite inside the park's boundaries, we girls used the Secret while the boys used the opposite of the secret, and we ended up scoring the last possible campsite in the whole entire park. Out came the Tecate to celebrate.

We set up our tents and decided to wander around the surrounding desert. Mack harvested some Jojaba nuts, sampled the strength of Yucca rope and shared his findings with those of us too lazy to read the informational plaques. "The desert was a supermarket for Indians because of all the things it has in it. Did you hear that Genovive, the hippie designer on Trading Spaces, died of breast cancer?" I secretly gave thanks for supermarkets, because if I had to spend the day hiking through a desert for a few bitter nuts and some prickly grapes to make soup, I would be a very tired, whiny Indian.

Jordan & Jolia in the aisles of the supermarket

We walked to Cottonwood Spring, which is a really real oasis in the middle of the desert. I'd always thought of an oasis as something in the Road Runner cartoons where it's really hot and you see the mirage of a pond with three palm trees next to it and you hurry to it and alas, it's nothing. Turns out, an oasis is three palm trees next to a little pond in the middle of the desert. It really exists. Who knew?
On the way back from our hike, I saw my first official moon rise. I'd seen the moon in the sky during the day before, but I'd never seen it actually come up on the horizon. For it to be day with the sun still up and to have a big full moon coming up over the rocks and the desert was surreal.
The day before we went hiking there was a major fire in the Hollywood Hills, and the smoke ended up following us to Joshua Tree. It made for a really amazing sky at sunset, which made up for the full moon robbing us of the stars you typically see at night in the desert.
After cooking vegan hotdogs and corn on the cob over the fire and going to sleep in a haze of Tecate, we woke up the next morning to do some more rock climbing and to explore the chollo cactuses we'd driven past on our expedition to find a campsite. The chollo cactuses seemed to sprout up unexpectedly in one little patch of desert. We walked along the established path and leaned in close to take photos of their spikey little berries.
Jolia posed for a picture at one point, but she leaned in a bit too close. The chollo cactus is called the "teddy bear cactus." If you get just close enough to it, it's baseball-sized spheres of spikes will jump into your skin and latch on for dear life. Jolia caught one on the elbow, and since it was funny at first, Jordan started to take photos of it. When we tried to pull it out with a handkerchief and that wasn't working, and then we tried to pull it out with a canvas bag and that wasn't working, we knew we had problems.

Why won't this cactus come out, Mack? "Well, each spike has a microscopic hook at its end that digs into the flesh, making it extremely difficult and painful to remove. Have you heard of this new disease called zombitis where people have very violent post-death outbursts and lash out for a few seconds after they die?" Jolia summoned her inner man and we muscled the wad of pain and difficulty out of her elbow with an oven mit. She still had about 10 stubborn spikes setting up permanent residence, so she summoned her inner superhero and started yanking them out ON HER OWN.
The desert was pretty humbling, but seeing Jolia wrestle it, that was inspiring.

Our last stop in the park was called Key's View or Key Outlook or something like that. I don't know but I'm sure Mack read the sign. It was amazing. All these valleys collided beneath the desert and made for a panorama worth the drive, the gas money, the cactus sacrifice and the sleeping on the ground.

Itineraries

Monday, April 9
Depart Los Angeles for Cincinnati at 11 am
Arrive in Cincinnati at 8 pm
Fall victim to PST / EST time shift and stay up until 3 am hoping the Sopranos comes on hotel-provided HBO

Tuesday, April 10
Meet with people more important and concerned with business than I am and pretend that I belong in the room
Drink coffee all day long to account for the time shift
Perfect delivery of the presentation that I came here to do because I've done it twice an hour for four hours
Wait for eyelids to revolt against me and my self-induced sleeplessness
Overcome tongue's refusal to enunciate

Wednesday, April 11
Meet with people more important and concerned with business than I am and pretend that I belong in the room
Drink coffee all day long to account for the time shift
Perfect delivery of the presentation that I came here to do because it's basically the only thing I've said for two days in a row
Wait for eyelids to revolt against me and my self-induced sleeplessness
Overcome tongue's refusal to enunciate
Hit hotel bar to kill time and the serious facade I've been holding up all day long
Open hotel door to see five of the seven most important people in the world
Win back the love of nephew and cultivate the love of other important people
Eat birthday cake
Keep the lump squarely in place in throat as the last of the lovelies drives away from valet

Thursday, April 12
Meet with people more important and concerned with business than I am and pretend that I belong in the room
Drink coffee all day long to account for the time shift
Perfect delivery of the presentation that I came here to do because I've said it so many times it will probably make up 90 percent of my last words on this planet
Don't worry about eyelids because I could do this presentation in a coma
When tongue actually stops working and I spew word vomit, talk right through it and relish at how the other people in the room didn't even notice
Go to Cincinnati airport at 3:50 to catch 4:50 flight to Los Angeles
Contain frustration when flight is delayed three hours by having a dirrrty martini

Friday, April 13 - Monday, April 16
Regular, grateful days without an airport or a hotel involved
Buy a new couch so favorite past time of laying on couch with Mr. T can resume
Groan about airports and hotels that are upcoming

Tuesday, April 17
Depart Los Angeles at 7 am and arrive in San Francisco at 8:30 am
Begin whirlwind interviews with women for work
Learn more than I ever needed to know about tantra and how cults are formed so easily in San Francisco
Eat affordable sushi with pitchers of Sapporo and some of the coolest people in California
Fall in love with San Fran and ask myself repeatedly, why did we ever move to Los Angeles when this was here all along?

Wednesday, April 18
Continue whirlwind interviews with women for work
Manage to exist despite impending exhaustion
Pray I don't get sick
Admire the Golden Gate Bridge
Drink Fat Tire at a corner sports bar
Sleep like a baby

Thursday, April 19
Finish whirlwind interviews with women for work
Head to airport for 8:50 pm flight
Groan when flight is delayed until 10:16 pm
Pray the San Fran fog opens enough for me to escape
Arrive in Los Angeles at 11:45 pm
Meet Mack at the curb at LAX and realize I'm starting to forget what he looks like
Sleep next to my favorite warm body for six hours

Friday, April 20
Return to LAX at 9 am for 10:50 am flight to Louisville
Watch Babel without subtitles and the Devil Wears Prada until laptop battery dies
Recharge battery to 40 percent at layover in Denver
Keep excitement of seeing family contained
Arrive in Louisville at 7:40
See my lovelies and finally find peace amidst the chaos of life

I Heart Mac

I'm not talking about the one I married either. I'm talking about Macintosh. That sweet silver box that lays in my lap like a warm cat and makes this blog possible. That special little apple that's been with me since the days of Oregon Trail. Well, Mack (the one I luv) has a built in camera on his Mac and a clever little built-in program called photo booth. I love a photo booth. No photo booth in my life has been as fun as the Mac Photo Booth though. Here's my latest batch of Sunday fun...

A Good, Swift Kick in the Blog

When the lady who's about to, you know, GIVE BIRTH starts asking you if you're okay since you've been a blog slacker, it's time for an update.

Lisa, I am fine. Thanks for asking? How is week 40? When is Caroline going to get here? Aside from creating life, what have you been up to lately?

I've been pretty busy these last couple of weeks. I must have done four or five loads of dishes. I went to the grocery store last week to get stuff for taco night. I vacuumed, did the laundry, and listened to my This American Life podcasts. I couldn't stand my squirrel brown hair anymore so I bought some of that Feria highlights stuff for $8 at Target and now I have a fantastic shiny orange glisten on my head. At least it makes me look more tan.

I got new issues of The Believer, Real Simple and Ready Made and have been doing my pre-sleep and bathroom-appropriate reading every day. I also started reading Flannery O'Connor's short stories. I think it was actually Amy Harris's old book from some class she took -- maybe the Waffle House one -- but I found it on the shelf and decided I would like it. Turns out Flannery was a woman. And, turns out, I really like her twisted stories.

I recently introduced flax seed oil, apple cider vinegar and children's chewable vitamins to my diet. For the first few days my pee was a lively shade of yellow. Regular vitamins make me feel nauseous but the children ones go down fine. The flax seed oil is supposed to help with digestion, and I'll vouch for that. The apple cider vinegar is supposed to help with dry skin, which I inherited from my mom, but I'm not sure yet if it's working.

I stopped eating meat two weeks ago today. I didn't eat that much of it since Mack is a vegetarian, so it hasn't been that hard. The first day I was a vegetarian he brought home a pamphlet of little chicks getting their beaks clipped and pigs shoved into tiny pens. It was sad, but it didn't really make me feel righteous for being a vegetarian. I only did it because I hoped it would force more vegetables into my diet. I hope cheese is a vegetable. And I added a Thanksgiving clause to my program that allows for the turkey piece with the skin on it. It's all about moderation.

Yesterday my boss took everyone to have pizza for lunch and to go see Blades of Glory. My favorite part was when Chazz Michael Michaels' boss at the Disney on Ice job says to him, "You smell like urine," to which Chazz replies, "A lot?" I laughed like a nutcase at that.

I made my first Roman blinds... sewed them together from scratch. Who knew they had such a thing as ring tape? The fabric is really pretty, but the execution, well, it's fine. They're better than the nicotine layered mini-blinds that were on our kitchen window. And they actually fold up like Roman blinds are supposed to. I sort of improvised from an HGTV video that I found online. It's projects like Roman blinds that make you want your mom around.

Tonight I took the dog for a walk around the block to do her nightly dookie, and I started to cross the street to come home when a guy driving a truck, who I'd waited to make sure stopped before I started crossing, decided to plow me and Venus over. He squealed to a stop, did the "sorry" arm shrug, and I screamed cuss-words at him. "You F--in almost hit me. You need to F--in slow down. What's your F-in problem, A-hole? I was in the GD crosswalk, you SOB. You should be F--in apologizing to me!" I admit, I overreacted, but it felt great to scream at him and I felt justified because he left SKID MARKS from where he almost creamed me. He never did apologize, but he did demonstrate his changed attitude by squealing his tires as he sped off at 100 miles an hour down another residential street to kill someone else.

Kitty and Venus are fed. And both just got a Front-line treatment today. Mack finally pulled that "wild hair" out of his back. That was a highlight during "Lost."

I've been keeping abreast of all my shows. "I Love New York" ended, but not a moment too soon since one of my all-time favorite shows, "Deadliest Catch," just started back up. Why New York picked Tango over Chance I will never understand.

We sold our bed on Craigslist. It was posted for about 20 minutes when a guy called me and said he would pick it up at noon. He showed up at 6:30. We're upsizing from a queen to a king, partly because I want to live in bed and partly because Mack turns into a piece of hot lead when he sleeps and queens divot way too easily. We're picking up our bed this weekend, so we're on an air mattress right now, which, surprisingly enough, is actually more comfortable than our bed was. No, that is not a subliminal push to get people to visit... it's fact.

We're also trying to sell our truck because gas is now $3.35 a gallon and expected to be over $4 a gallon this summer. That's like England prices. This is America, for God's sake.

That's pretty much what's been happening here in Los Anjealous. I'm heading to Cincinnati on Monday thru Thursday to do some work, then I'm heading to San Francisco for work, then I'm heading to Louisville for my lovelies' birthdays and to dish out the squeezes. I'm going to be busy, but I promise I'll stop slacking. Now that you're going to have a newborn around, I know you'll be needing something to fill all your downtime!

St. Al Bundy Day

What goes better with a couple of green beers at the corner pub on St. Patrick's Day than Al Bundy?
My friend Molly, who is basically a 5'9" blonde Jen, spotted Al in the corner and decided we should get a picture with him. Since I could see he has man boobs from across the bar, I knew he wouldn't be so put out by the foxy blonde asking for his picture that he'd shoo away her pony-tailed friend who was too lazy to shower. So I followed. And on the way, Julie, Molly's cute friend, turned to Molly and me and asked what his real name is. No one knew.

Theme Songs of Life

When Mack and I first started going out, I had to dump him. Because he went a little nuts and forced Shannon to hide the knives. I'd pretty much relegated him to the "missed his chance" pile until Shannon came home bragging about how he was such a beautiful piano player and how his family is so nice and how he is so respectful of his Momma. She even suggested this could be his theme song.

After all that lobbying on his behalf, the door was left cracked and he worked his way back in... with his autograph, a deposit slip and a bouquet of yellow flowers.

It may seem strange to have started a lifelong relationship with someone based on those credentials, but if you take a closer look, you'll see the common thread. Money.

Mack is money hungry. He's actually started to salivate when daydreaming about changing his name to Mack Moneyman. He gets it from his parents, and he is not alone. His brother is money obsessed. Even Laila steals gift cards from the Gap to pretend they are credit cards and has actually said, "Ooh, it smells so good... like money." The whole Thomas clan is driven to have money. Don't believe me? Here's Bubba's Myspace song.

All this obsession with money is why the Thomsascotts fit together so well. I hate money, couldn't care less about it, think it's to blame for all the divorces and wars in the world. The Thomases love it, credit it with health and happiness. And, as much as it sucks, their take on it is a little more right than mine, which is why it's nice for someone who ignores money almost to a fault to have someone who craves it almost to a fault.

I'm getting more used to this money thing as time goes on. I can actually look at budgets at work without feeling inappropriate. It's not as invasive as it used to be when Mack tells his parents how much money I make. I'm learning that money is as acceptable to talk about as sex has become. And, I've discovered that, when there's a lot of it, it really does have an intoxicatingly sweet smell.

*Donations happily accepted.

Maddening March

I'm in California now. No one here has to find stuff to do in the winter because they can do what they do in the summer all year round. Which means no one looks forward to basketball games the way I used to look forward to basketball games. Which means no one here has any idea how to properly succumb to March Madness.

When bracketeering falls on my shoulders, something is amiss.

But I'm stepping up to the plate. In an office on non-believers, I distributed copies of a very official looking bracket and summoned the masses to give me $5 each (I said it would be for the winner). I organized a sports contest.

Here are my picks, because I know everyone needs to know my picks before they can confidently make their own. Because now that I am the bracket master, I will have followers.


(Even though I don't honestly think they will win, I just couldn't not write down the Kentucky Wildcats in the Champion box. Maybe because that night in 1998 at the corner of Woodland and Euclid and the walk home through the celebrating streets of Lexington is worth $5 a year for the rest of my life.)

Neither Hair nor There

So fine, I'm addicted to Season VI American Idol.

(I make it appear smarter by calling it Season "VI"... because everyone knows that adding Roman numerals to something makes it seem a little smarter. And since this post is actually about Sanjaya's hair, I need all the help I can get in the smart appearance department.)

God, I need a life.

Let's start with the prelim, post-you're-going-to-Hollywood Sanjaya. He knows the curls work, but he lacks the product knowledge that let the curls work.
After just one week (and one trixie stylist whose sole purpose is to grow a diverse portfolio), Sanjaya showed up with a refined look that was all his own. Bland, beige button down and bouncy, fresh locks. A breath of fresh air.
But wait. Is Michael Jackson really trying to make a comeback on American Idol? But, he already has Neverland. And two kids with the same name. What else does a fallen pop star need? What does a burgeoning star need? Not to try Michael's predisposition.
Well, when pop star predecessors don't get you any respect, what's left but to try to be smooth. And sleek. And shiny. And channeling a modern day Paula Abdul. Who exactly does this guy want to be?
After wavy, wavy refined, and stick straight, what's shoulder-length hair left to do but kink up in a brillo padesque clump? That Randy suggested his look was reflective of Diana Ross does an injustice to afros. Randy, and Sanjaya, should know better.

Watch and Learn

I like these. And I wanted to share them in case you like them too.

HOT CHIP SINGS OVER AND OVER
(no, I don't just like this because I like hot chips.)


JARVIS COCKER SINGS DON'T LET HIM WASTE YOUR TIME
(no, I don't just like this because I don't like wasting time.)


EXTREME (PHOTOSHOP) MAKEOVER
(no, I don't just like this because I wish I could do it to myself in real life.)


DOVE: EVOLUTION OF A "MODEL"
(no, I don't just like this because Betsy sent it to me and everything she touches is awesome.)


LOST - JOHN LOCKE SPEED PAINTING
(no, I don't just like this because Locke is my favorite character on Lost.)
Also check out the other ones he's done if you really have some time to kill.